A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused.com321
writes:Hi, really need some non-judgmental advice!I am engaged to a loving man and have been with him for 8 years, we have a gorgeous little boy together. I haven't felt completely happy for a long time. I have stuck in there for my son and also because my fiance is a good guy and i would be stupid to leave. I ended up having an affair with a married man He pursued me but, I really liked this guy, i knew what i was doing, there is no excuse for it, I really do feel horrible for doing what i had done to my fiance but it was a whirlwind and we both said that we had fallen for each other, we were seeing each other for just over 3 months but something felt very right about it even though it was wrong. We both tried to end it several times but couldn't. I know this was a cowardly thing but ever since then my partner has remained inattentive to my needs. He found out i had been in contact with another man, we spoke it through, i was honest about how i felt and i grovelled for his forgiveness, Its been 4 months after the affair ended and he hasn't changed. I know that i shouldn't have done what i done but i feel a relationship takes two and it has just gone back to the same old relationship it was before. I have tried to spice things up, but he is just so numb to any passion (if that makes sense?). We have sex but its just that....sex! there is no spark there anymore. He isn't trying and i don't know why i should either.Getting to the point, i know what i done and i will never ever do it again!, if i leave i will leave for my own reasons not because i have met someone else.Anyway, my affair with this man ended just over 4 months ago, it ended with him changing his mobile number and email and i changed my number also, it was an awful ending to something beautiful. While attempting to work things out with my fiance, I haven't stopped thinking about this other man and the what-ifs. It all ended because it was coming to light and neither of us knew how to handle it. Well after 4 months of absolutely no communication, I have been having strange calls on my home telephone (he had this also) stupidly! Don't know what i was thinking, i was totally swept away by this guy. I have tried to find out the number and caller but it either says private or unknown and it only ever rings a few times. Obviously my first thoughts were that it was him but i convinced myself there is no way he would be so stupid as to contact me again; however, I have seen him around a lot lately and, yesterday, received a message on my email from him saying how sorry he was and how much he misses me and that he never should have let me go and has asked if we can talk things through properly. I told him never to contact me again and that he had some nerve after 5 months to even bother! I probably would have been prepared to end it mutually for a while, move out of my house i live in with my fiance and after a couple of months try at a proper relationship with this guy, it felt that "real". I told him there was no way and never to contact me again.He has pleaded with me to please talk to him again and that cutting contact with me the way he did was the most stupid thing he has ever done. I explained it wasn't stupid, that he is married and that i have never regretted anything more in my life but he will not leave me be. I am so very confused, i know i brought this on myself but i have come to terms with the fact that maybe he wasn't the man i thought he was and that he never loved me the way he said. Even though this whole affair was foolish and in spite of all my attempts to move on, I do still care about him deeply but i will not cheat ever again. I have told him this and i wont be changing my mind. This affair nearly cost us everything we had worked for. I am not going to contact him again but need some advice on why he is doing this? Can someone please lend some advice on why this man is contacting me?
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affair, engaged, fiance, married man, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): first of all y did u cheat second of all i think hes acting that way because he feels like he hasnt been given 100% of u like ur like a used car off the lot he wonders how many people uve been with and now he realizes if u lied about this then wat else have u been lying about third of all that guy wants sex MOVE OUT u may get hurt keep someone with u whenever u think hes there or if possible all the time he might do something to u if ure alone be CAREFUL and STAY AWAY FROM THAT AREA
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): first of all y did u cheat second of all i think hes acting that way because he feels like he hasnt been given 100% of u like ur like a used car off the lot he wonders how many people uve been with and now he realizes if u lied about this then wat else have u been lying about third of all that guy wants sex MOVE OUT u may get hurt keep someone with u whenever u think hes there or if possible all the time he might do something to u if ure alone be CAREFUL and STAY AWAY FROM THAT AREA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): this married man thinks he can get cheap sex from you again why else do you think he is in contact with you??
as for your fiance: can you really blame him for not being interested in you. after all , you are still lieing to him (you did not tell him you were sleeping around with the married man did you?)
if you want to make a clean break then you need to tell your fiance what you have been up to. why must he still invest in you and your lives when you have been leading a double life.
instead of asking for non judgemental advice how about asking for realistic advice.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): Be honest.
What do you expect?
"since then my partner has remained inattentive to my needs. He found out i had been in contact with another man, we spoke it through, i was honest about how i felt and i grovelled for his forgiveness, Its been 4 months after the affair ended and he hasn't changed."
How attentive were you being to his needs, not your needs, but his needs?
Really, you still think the affair was something "beautiful"? You were cheating on someone, cheating on your family, and aiding in the betrayal of another human being (your affair partners spouse).
Where is the beauty?
You are still thinking about the other man. Where do you think your partner is supposed to get the spark from? Do you expect him to fantasize about you having sex with the other guy and that will give him a spark of passion?
You need marriage counseling. It takes YEARS to get over the betrayal of someone close to you, if your relationship will survive it at all. Your odds are overwhelming that your partner will leave you, and without professional help that approaches 100%.
Did you tell your spouse everything? Everything? What do you think he feels like?
People who have affairs are the half of the relationship that was not giving it their all, usually much less than their all, and they frequently don't see it.
"it has just gone back to the same old relationship it was before"
No, it hasn't.
The relationship has the same problems it had before, with the addition of a betrayal/affair, a deeply hurt partner, and a partner that is still thinking about the other lover and all the things that they did together.
But that wasn't your question was it? Your question was "why is this man contacting me?"
For sex. If he wanted to get out of his marriage he could easily get a divorce.
Why is the guy still contacting you? Because he had you once, and you are a big ego booster for him. Your partner's ego is in the shitter.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 To me it sounds like he is trying to get back in contact with you because he misses what you both had. As you say you know what you done was wrong and now you have to live with the guilt but he is married so I am guessing he also knew that it was wrong what you were both trying to do and he tried to cut contact with you and forget about you, but I guess it just never worked and he is trying to get back in contact with you now because he cannot get over you.
If I am honest with you, putting the affair to one side and forgetting about it for a moment, why are you with your fiancée? Yes I understand that you have a son together and I am sure you do love him, but I really do not think that you are in love with him any more and I do not think it is fair on you or him to carry on in this relationship if your heart is not fully in it. I guess people can grow apart and there was obviously something lacking in the relationship in order for you to have an affair in the first place. I really think you should seriously think about your own happiness here and ask yourself is this the man you really want to spend the rest of your life with, because if it is not it would be best to finish it now so that you can both move on with your life. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (1 June 2011):
He's probably having a bad time with his wife again leading to him thinking about you! If I were you I would changed your email and home number. As for your relationship with your fiance, perhaps you should discuss counselling with him? It sounds like he can't draw a line under what's happened and if you are going to start afresh with your marriage, that is what you have to do (i.e. you can't keep bringing it up over and over again). It takes two to make a marriage work, and as you said you weren't happy for a long time, you need to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes it is not best to stay together for 'the kids' either. You made a mistake, don't beat yourself up over it, you have learnt the hard way that the grass isn't always greener...sometimes good people do bad things, but as long as a lesson is learnt it isn't all bad. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband, both talk and listen to each, and decide from there if you both want to save your marriage. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 "Can someone please lend some advice on why this man is contacting me?"
You had an affair with him. You gave him something that felt good and exciting to him.
Imagine someone who is hooked on drugs getting a little sampler. Not much, just enough to get them hooked. Well, you cut this man off from the high he needed. A drug addict doesnt "care" for the drug..he NEEDS the high.
He is still in withdrawl.
I would talk to him one last time if he contacts you again.
"If you contact me again, I will discuss EVERYTHING with your wife."
Have you tried counseling with your fiance to get that spark back? You both need to address what are realistic needs for the both of you.
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