A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may be a very unusual query but ANY advice would be helpful!My long-term boyfriend (known each other for 5 years) has a rather strange view on sexual matters. When he gets very depressed (for instance, when we have a big argument), he sees masturbation as a way of feeling better, which is understandable because when you climax, there’s a sense of release and relaxation! But it means that as soon as he feels ‘low’, he goes to the bathroom and masturbates. He’s admitted to doing it several times since we started dating, and explained that it’s not a case of him being horny. It’s always when I’m in the house. I asked if I wasn’t giving him enough pleasure, but we’ve both agreed our sex life is great, and it’s only when he’s depressed.I partly can’t understand why he can’t control his urges when he’s depressed as opposed to horny, but I seem to have a huge problem dealing with it myself! When he does it, it makes me feel as bad as if another woman is doing it to him, and I have no idea why! He agreed to stop doing it but every time he goes to the bathroom, I get paranoid that he’s doing it again. It seems as though he has an uncontrollable urge to masturbate alone whenever he gets depressed in the slightest, because he says he can’t resist.However, rather than wanting to change my boyfriend, I want to understand why I have such a problem with my boyfriend masturbating! I feel incredibly sick at the thought, even if he did it simply because he was horny and I wasn’t here to ‘help’. Is there ANY way I can stop it bothering me? It makes me feel HORRIBLE and we argue about it more and more.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I felt the same way. You are not alone.
Myself and my boyfriend are 19, almost 20 and have been together since we were 14 and known him since we were 11. We are each others firsts and are best friends. We will be living together in August, And I came searching for this question to see if I myself was alone in feeling jealous at the thought of my boyfriend masturbating. I felt compelled to share my experience with you...
About 2 years ago, I was very insecure sexually and personally due to bullying and body image. We started having sex when we were 16 and I suddenly began asking him to keep himself (not to masturbate)for when we had sex. I believed that way, he would want it more and therefore desire me more. Looking back I see this was my insecurity and lack of confidence in my body. I got really obsessive and clingy and we fell out alot over it, I became upset that he would feel the need to masturbate when he had a girlfriend who would do anything for him.
He revealed that he almost always broke him promise to keep himself from masturbating before we had sex and that hurt me alot. I felt betrayed and lied too.
He finally decided it was enough and bought me a vibrator. I didn't know how to pleasure myself and he said that I should experiment to see that there was nothing wrong with masturbating.
I followed his advice and was able to do things for myself, sexually I became more confident and didn't feel so upset over him doing it.
That was 2 years ago, and for the past year he's lived away from home at university 20 miles away. We see each other twice a week and on weekends but I still ask him if he's had a wank during the week, although now I don't find myself being jealous, just curious.
My issues were with my own confidence and I completely sympathise with your situation. Your boyfriend seems secretive because he knows your reaction. He isn't being fair to you in my opinion. Might I suggest the next time he seems down, initiate something sexy and take care of him yourself. If not, just ask him if he enjoyed himself in the bathroom and if he feels better now. This will show that you're ok with him doing it and he won't feel the need to hide it from you. I understand how this jealousy eats away at your relationship, I suffered the same way too long. what you have to do is speak to him and tell him how much it hurts you.
At the end of the day, Males have a higher sex drive and it doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. I asked my boyfriend why he feels the need to do it all the time and he said he didn't know why, half the time he's bored...They all have their different reasons.
You seem to have some trust issues, look at your relationship and I promise you'll find out why you're so jealous and upset.
I hope this story helps you feel better :) xx
A
female
reader, Amy124 +, writes (14 April 2009):
 (i'm the original poster by the way)
Thanks for the help so far, I actually talked to him not long after writing this and suggested the idea of helping him out. Usually, it's not easy because he doesnt let me know he wants 'relieving', he just goes to the bathroom and does it without me knowing (and eventually confesses). But he's agreed with the idea of getting me involved, so i'll let you know what happens. I've just got to hope he has the balls to ask for the help when the time comes!
Keep the ideas coming!
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A
female
reader, ninetoes  +, writes (13 April 2009):
 I can understand why you would feel upset, because it would make me upset too.
Have you tried asking him if maybe once in awhile you did the masterbating for him? Ask him while you're giving him a backrub or something, ask him sensually if you could relieve his depression for him! Or maybe catch him on his way in or out of the bathroom and say, "need help?"
That way you aren't bringing it up, and you're hiding your jealousy over the issue without making an argument over it. Plus, you can have fun in the meantime!
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