A
male
age
30-35,
*ay7777
writes:Hockay, so, classic one this, and if I'm a bit vage tell me because I realy hate talking about my emotions and myself generally, but anyway... I've known someone for a really long time now and we used to argue and be at each others throats all the time, but about a year ago I realised I was in love with her, but didn't tell her. She realised something was on my mind because I she would be talking to me and I would be doing something weird like looking straight forward, glassy eyed, not blinking, deeply in thought and would take off every now and again and not come back for hours. Well I realised I had been busted and thought I would tell her the last time I would ever see her, for example at the year 11 prom or worst case scenario, hit by a bus or something, but at the same time other things were happening and I was worried, because I could tell that I was actually slipping into depression, Its hard for me to admit this because Im a guy and as I said, I don't like talking about my emotions, but I think at times, I just sat in the dark and cried, not sobbed, but just cried for a few minutes every now and then. Because I knew that we would never work, I'm not that good looking compared to people we know, and because, In a way, I think i'm a coward.About one or two months ago I told her, because we told each other everything, and she was begining to worry about the state I was always in at the time and was kind of insulted at me not telling her. When I did tell her I was scared ****less of what something like this could do to our relationship, I mean, you can imagine, if you felt this way about someone, you would rather only friends and be loosing your mind than the other person and you not being close.But she was cool about it, she didn't believe me and I had to persuade her that I would never kid about something like this. And we decided that we wouldn't let it change anything for the worse, although I knew we almost definately would never be together. So, you would have thought that would be the end of it, but this is where the classic twist comes in. Things for me were slowly going down hill again. Little tiny things like friendly I love you's to other people when they do something good all of a sudden really hurt me, I guess it must be a bit like mood swings in pregnancy or something. Anyway, things were going alright, but slowly downwards. I already knew she liked someone before I told her, which was another reason not to becuase the guy was one of my ex best friends who i'm still good friends with, however her said her just liked her as a friend. Now two weeks ago, we went camping and they shared a sleeping bag, innocent enough, then started making out, I think (I was very tired). Which kind of hurt but I know I shouldn't have said anything because she cant just stop her life for me. But then last night, we went camping again, and I felt really distant from her and ended up in depression again because things had once again been getting me down really easily ( Sorry, suck at spelling don't I :p) so i ended up doing a 2 hour walk on my own, phone on silent, trying to control my emotions.Got back and they were all worried sick and she started shouting "Is my name here lol Back, my name here" and even though I was freezing she came for a hug. I think they thought (because they could all see over the past few months I was becoming unstable) I might have either been hurt, or might be doing something to myself. So in a vain, horrible way, I was glad they were worried. Think they had sex that night, but Im not sure, sure sounded like it though. Was down that morning and blamed it on being tired and having a sore back, and went for another walk to a bridge where I sat for hours, feet over the edge.I'm a very hands on person, so I remember things best with something to help me. Not too long ago, I found a necklace that reminded me of her, wont go into how and why so you don't puke from soppieness. Anyway, took that on the walk because I always wear it, never take it off, and when I sat there I took it off slowly, held it in my hand, raised my arm, and was about to drop it into the river, (don't know, thought maybe it might help, you know like ashes into the sea, that kind of thing) then someone came to the bridge so I left. Packed quick and quietly, walked away from everyone else on the way back and only spoke to say goodbye, to no-one in particular.So, I don't have a question, I think you could prob ask a hell of a lot of questions, and I know its really long but I've never done this before and dont know what bits are useful. I've never felt this way about anybody before and I need some advice because I don't have anything left in me to make any decisions on my own. If your wondering if I know for sure if i'm in love, I cant describe it because I believe in the fact that, if you can describe love, your not in it. I just know for a fact that she is everything to me and she doesn't know how much everything she does effects my life. Anyway, my mom's coming up stairs and this is a lame thing for me to be found doing so, I found this thing on the internet, the top ten signs that tell you your in love, Its true for everyone of them. Copy and paste that: http://teenadvice.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ/Ya and sdn=teenadvice and zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.romancetracker.com%2Ftop-ten-signs-that-youre-in-love%2F So if you can help me out you have no idea of the amount of help your being. Thanks :)
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best friend, I love you, my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Jay7777 +, writes (16 April 2009):
Jay7777 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well thanks, Im talking to her about it tomorrow then its going to be sorted out once and for all. Thanks for listening. Probably wont be using this again so thanks just in case I dont talk to you again.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 April 2009):
 I'm not kidding you. You obviously have the heart of a writer, and an insight to people, plus some of your sentences where very descriptive:
"Little tiny things like friendly I love you's to other people when they do something good all of a sudden really hurt me, I guess it must be a bit like mood swings in pregnancy or something."
Very impressive to me.
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A
male
reader, Jay7777 +, writes (14 April 2009):
Jay7777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeriously?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2009):
Really, you should think about writing as a career option.
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A
male
reader, Jay7777 +, writes (14 April 2009):
Jay7777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, thanks :)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 April 2009):
I don't have any words of wisdom for you, Jay. But I can say that your post brought tears to my eyes, it was a great read. I almost felt 13-15 again. Whew. You may not be able to spell but you sure can write!
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