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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am wondering... why do i get so upset when my boyfriend masterbates? Why does it bug me he watches porn... i get so jealous as if he wants to be with those women on the porno and then he tells me sometimes he doesnt need porn and that its in his head..? Why do i immeditaly jump to well it cant be about me. I dont understand why i get so angry. We fight about this every so often and he keeps on saying its personal and that i dont need to know these things... But i just dont get it. If ur in a relationship why do u need to do these things
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): I am a psychologist and approximately 20 percent of my couples counseling work revolves around the male's use of pornography and or self pleasure causing the couple distress. First let me say that I agree that it is relatively harmless taken in moderation. Actually, I consider overdoing self pleasure more harmful than simply watching pornography. Mens and to some small extent, womens sexuality is mediated by the concept of the "new". This is seen in science in all mammals and is called the, "coolidge effect". The sexuality of a successful long term relationship pretty much rests on the couple's ability to manage this effect. In essence it means that since sexual arousal is based upon dopamine release, women for from feelings and men more of sight, when the individual is repeatedly exposed to the same stimulus, the dopamine decreases over time and thus so does arousal. The neurohormonal brain difference between men and women is the reason why, as one answer quoted, "just as many woman fantasize to George Cloony (and men seek visual stimulous). Also, I must mention that young boys in first world countries such as US and UK are routinely exposed to material that is pornograpic in nature by age ten. Thanks to our past president, our third and fourth graders learned what a blowjob is from television. This of course can give a health professional pause about pornography and what is good for our society vs. what is ok for men to be doing to seek visual stim.That being said, to answer the question of the young woman asking: One very good fix is for a couple in a long term relationship to negotiate their sexuality in terms of frequency. I disagree with the male answer about difference between male and female sex drive within a long term relationship. I think that couples can engage in activities to stimulate the partner that wants sexual release mroe frequently (most often men more frequently than women) and satisfy each other when both want intimacy. So what does that translate into? Clinically I usually dont have to spell this out to couples but I am going to here. That means that: women, if your guy wants sex more often that you do, you should give him intercourse, oral or manual stimulation enough to finish the act. I actually had the woman from one couple say in response to her husband's agreement not to watch pornography, "you have 24/7 blowjob privledges". I cannot wait until the clinical opportunity occurs to hear a man tell his spouse, "if you throw away your vibrator, I will go down on you 24/7". So take what I say or not. But I think, and have helped, many couples achieve balance and happiness with this topic.
A
male
reader, Matthew 79  +, writes (25 September 2009):
Only guys know the answer to this. Face it, after a while sex with the same girl becomes boring, Yes he probably is fantasising over the girls in the porn. maybe even some of the guys as even a lot of straight guys like to watch a naked guy do his thing. But it is just that, a fantasy. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or not want sex with you it is just another way guys like to get off. Really females need to butt out and let us guys wank over whatever we want to wank over. Another thing is you may find it hard to except that your boyfriend doesn't need you to have an enjoyable sex life. Why not grab a dildo or vibrator and sit there with him and get in on the action. And look at it this way, Safe sex all round. LoL.
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male
reader, OzBloke +, writes (25 September 2009):
An 'itch' is probably a good description. Those of us with high sex drives, can't expect our partners to keep up. It's not like we run around looking to be only with people with high libido (well, some might I suppose!). My wife was a 2 times per week gal, I am a 14-21 times per week guy...
As already stated, when I have viewed porn, I am hardly looking at the women. I am wrapped up in the sex that is taking place. It is a physical release and quite literally treated as such.
Your boyfriend is quite probably not interested in sex with other women and might even love it if you joined him. He may also already be think "I'd love to do that to" you.
My apologies if that seemed overly graphic. I couldn't think of a better way to illustrate how my personal imbalanced libido with my wife had given me the perspective that I have. I hope it gives you something to consider.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): I have had the same problem but my husbands says because it takes less effort to masturbate then to have sex. Sometimes they are just lazy and just want to sit there. The porn I hated it he even went behind my back to buy it and hide it. But this is something that is natural I guess. It is men they are more comfortable with themselves. Instead of fighting about it make movies so that he can watch you. Talk to him about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): well many men have a very high sex drive and some guys can want to get off three- 5 times a day. What you need to understand is that there is the feeling you get when you masturbate which is alost like scratching an itch, intense satisfaction thats there and gone in a second and then there is the feelig you get when making love to a woman. This feeling lasts for hours sometimes days and no masturbation can ever come close. Also when guys watch porn they do not want to be with those women, its purely a fantasy and guys probably couldnt even describe the woman in any detail an hour after viewing it. Completely different with a real woman.Anyway trust me , Ive had sex with women and have masturbated and id take sex any day of the week. You could always try jumping your guy when he is in mid-flow so to speak and then youd become tho object of his fantasy .Hope this helps set your mind at ease.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Read this - http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/men/why-do-men-watch-porn/v1
That should give you some initial (if basic) insight into why men watch porn.
All men watch porn to some varying degree - some watch it a lot and others go through phases, some only watch it very infrequently. But at the end of the day I think you will struggle to find a man that does not watch porn - pretty much every man on this earth will watch it at some point in their lives.
Now men and women are pretty different in the way their brains behave towards sex. Women have a more emotional connection and they dont need as much visual stimulation as men to get turned on. Whereas men dont have a real emotional connection to sex - it is purely physical and about "getting off". The male sex drive is also much higher than that of a woman, so in your boyfriends case he may watch porn purely because he needs that sexual release a few times a day and you just cannot give him that!
Watching porn is in no way a reflection on his feelings for you - I am sure he loves you, thinks you are gorgeous and loves having sex with you. If given the choice between having sex with you and having sex with a porn-star - he would pick you. These women in porn are fantasy, nothing more. They are an expression of his sexual fantasies and desires, he is basically watching something that turns him on and gives him a sexual release. Just as women might fantasise about George Clooney whilst masturbating, men just watch porn!
I know it is quite hard to understand and from the outsider's perspective, porn looks a bit dirty and seedy, and the women's bodies are all incredible so it is easy for a woman to think "why is he looking at these women when he has me - I dont look like that so is he not attracted to me? Why does he need porn when he has me to have sex with whenever he wants?" I really do get it that you can feel this way but the reality is he is not particularly looking at the women's bodies, it is more the sexual acts taking place. Yes it helps that they are attractive but men are well aware that these images and videos they see are enhanced and airbrushed, it all just adds to this sense of fantasy. He is not looking at that woman thinking "I want sex with her" when he is watching porn, his thoughts will be more along the lines of yes she is attractive but the main turn-on is what that guy is doing to her. He probably thinks while watching it "oh I would love to do that to my girlfriend".
While you may never feel fully comfortable with your boyfriend watching porn, I think you just need to accept that it is part of most men's lives and if you try and stop them, they will just lie about it to you which is worse. Just try to ignore it really - dont think about it. As long as your boyfriend is not watching it every single day to the point of obsession (that is not healthy) and he doesnt watch it when you are there, then it is doing you no harm. I never normally advocate sticking your head in the sand but in this case, just pushing this to the back of your mind and not worrying about it anymore will be the best way to deal with it!
You shouldnt be threatened or upset by porn - it is purely an expression of sexuality used by men to escape into a little fantasy world and "get-off" quickly and easily. It in no way impacts on you and his feelings for you, it is entirely seperate. It is just the same as women having fantasies about male celebrities or using a vibrator to achieve an orgasm - men just need the visual stimulation to achieve the orgasm.
I hope this gives you more of an idea about why men watch porn, and I hope that you can come to terms with it and be ok with it. You dont ever have to approve of it - just know that it makes no difference to your relationship if he watches it and that his feelings for you are in no way affected by watching it. Accepting it will mean that your relationship will be stronger and you will not fight so much over silly issues like this. And you might find that if you are ok with it, the whole "forbidden" element behind it will go away so when he knows you dont care any more, it might not be so exciting to him and he might watch it less!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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