A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:why does this always happen?I have noticed that whenever I get to the comfy stage in a relationship (i.e. after a few months when I know that they love me) I start getting crushes on other people.Well, not exactly crushes, more like I will start wondering if someone at work fancies me; this encourages me to think about the details at night-time when I am sat with my boyfriend and to get a bit of a buzz that someone may be attracted to me.It's not exactly that I fancy them, it's more like I NEED them to fancy me.Could this just be simply a case of low self-esteem?Unfortunately this in turn leads me to be very paranoid about my own partner's inner thoughts and whether or not he is crushing on someone at work. This makes me very jealous and causes me inner turmoil.Am I mental???I am completely happy with my boyfriend and love and fancy him to bits,,,so why do I need the external gratification all the time?I have no intentions of anything EVER happening with anyone else, it's like I need their attention and something exciting to think about though.Something which might be significant, I also have a BIG phobia of getting old, losing my looks and becoming invisible to the opposite sex - could this be what makes me seek out crushes all the time??Anyone else been like this?(to be honest I hope I am in the minority!)
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Well, how nasty do you want me to get?
At its most basic, you want to know you have a high value on the meat market. You might not actually want to be bought, unless the price is right, but is nice to know you are valued. We can all do with a complement now and then.
Or maybe you are a "the grass is always greener" type. Constantly looking over your boyfriends shoulder for an upgrade.
Or maybe you have fear of commitment. "Oh geez, this is getting serious, how the hell can I sabotage it?"
Or maybe, as you say, you are just afraid of getting old. The idea that you are the age to settle down scares you because it means you are no longer a young girl with a hundred suitors. The hum-drum one-guy lifestyle is just another way to say "old".
It is probably a combo. And either you get past it or you will be stuck forever with one night stands because you can never settle for just one person's affection.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): I am sure plenty of women think that also. As for me, knowing men's nature in basically liking everyone who will say 'yes', unless she is 70y. or 350lb.i am not looking for them liking me anymore. When i was very young, i believed that they sincerely can like someone. I am not talking about every single man on Earth, but majority.
Give you an example. I go out very often w/a female friend of mine. We both equaly pretty, same age, same height, same weight, we both have long hair, dress sexy. The only difference is how we act. I am quiet, she is VERY outgoing. She has no problem statring a converstaion, dances all night long non stop. I dance very little, i like to sit, have a drink and watch people. I will only talk when someone else will start a converstaion.
Guess who gets all the attention most of the time:her. It has nothing to do with how you look, for men what's important is your willigness to engage in sexual activities as soon as possible without much courting, and these days no courting at all.
They don't really need to like you physically that much, if you say 'yes'. I remember me and my friend walked into one of the bars, 2 guys were going to their car. When they saw us, one of them said to another:" O, look, finally some pretty faces, may be we should try w.them, because those 2 broads that we picked up are ugly". They were drunk, they talked loud, didn't think we heard them.
So, as you see, those "crushes" really mean very little. We, girls fantasize a lot about feelings and passion, and all they want to do is get laid - not very romantic to say the least.
Talk to a professional, it always good to talk to someone else who know what they are doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Your not alone i feel the same way! It may be a little bt of a self esteem issue but its also a big ego boost to know someone finds you attractive. For me, my boyfriend doesn't really compliment me anymore and it leaves me feeling like im unnatractive to him. When people hit on me it feels good and even better when its in front of him like at a bar or something. Its like okay hopefully he takes note and sees that im desirable by others. I know what you mean by the "crush" thing though. Its like when you know someone thinks your "hot" or whatever, its almost natural to be drwan to them and want them to keep on thinking it. You may may do things without even realizing to sort of keep up the sexy image while around them. As for if your boyfriend has those same feelings? I really don't know. It depends on what kind of guy he is. I don't think mine would have those thoughts, hes not really about compliments or affection as much as i am. its all a matter of personality.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 June 2010):
No, you're not mental. But you do seem to suffer from very low self esteem. I think there's a cause somewhere, and I think you need to find it, which probably means seeing a counsellor. You'll find that the answer lies somewhere back in your teens. So I think the best thing you can do is try to get to the bottom of why you feel this way.
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