A
female
age
36-40,
*issWalsh
writes:I know a lot of people will read this and instantly get confused and maybe even mad at the idea that i feel so paranoid and insecure..but i can't change the way i feel.I have the most amazing boyfriend, he does mean the world to me and at 20 I am beginning to think more seriously about him.But my past gets in the way...From the ages of 15-18 i was in a relationship, my "first love" it started at sweet and innocent as so many often do and then as we grew up we grew apart and my ex changed. He mentally and physically abused me, cheated on me and dumped me on my 18th birthday leaving me unluckily pregnant. Through the stress I miscarried and went through the pain and the loss alone. After that followed a string of affairs but i never fell in love again till i met my boyfriend.I have such bad trust issues now and I am scared I will end up pushing him away.I get paranoid he will leave meI get jealous of his lad matesI hate the idea of him still knowing his ex who is 29 and though not gorgeous is still enough to threaten meWhen we argue over silly things i automatically convince myself that he will leave me I spend so much time convincing myself of these things because of my past.He knows about my past and feels for me and understands but there are times when he feels hurt and frustrated that I compare him to my ex...He asked me to move in with him recently and we are looking at houses, we go to university together and he calls me the "one" and the love of his life..I know technically i am young but i do feel the same and i know he is all i could ever want.He is so good to me and i hate feeling the way i do.I know many of you will want to tell me how stupid i am, but please, does anyone know what i can do to enjoy this amazing guy who i love so much, instead of making my life a prison for myself?Please Help...x x x x
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female
reader, trystohelp +, writes (15 June 2008):
I feel the same about my boyfriend every single day!
I've tried to explain this to him but he never seems to understand.
Men don't, they just assume that trust issues equal paranoia and because of this you're the one in the wrong.
I've been hurt from an early age, I've been cheated on 4 times with the 'best mate', I recognise that old cheastnut a mile away! I was also left pregnant & alone, and as much as people say it's your fault again, it's not, in my case I did everything possible as for contraception and it still happened for some miracle. But being very young I made the hardest decision of my life and had an abortion.
I think of my pregnancy as a horrible stress and as the worst lowpoint in my life, at one point I even concemplated suicide. And it was hard, very hard, and at the end a relief but still a pain. It hurts to think about what I did, but I just try to but it behind me and move on and thats all you can do really.
I found my love, and I do think he's the one for me, but he suffers bad from ptsd after being in a car wreck where his close friend past away. I think he holds himself responcible for his friends death, and neither myself nor his family could ever convince him otherwise. I feel so bad for him sometimes but he just keeps himself locked away in his own thoughts, and nobody else can get in.
As he's so secretive and keeps himself to himself sometimes, all that happens is that I get paranoid, it doesn't help that his best mates a female model either.
Alarm bells just start ringing in my head & I presume he doesn't care for me even though I know we both feel the same.
We both cope with our own stress and worries and block each other out sometimes. Sometimes explaining just doesn't do the trick, sometimes the other person can only know how you feel when they feel how you feel.
All you can do really is just warn him of how you feel, most of the time I find that becuase of what I've been through with my bad relationships in the past that I need that closure all the time, I need to feel loved and be affectionate constantly otherwise I just feel rejected.
Let him know how you feel and see whether he takes it in, if not I can only reccommend therapy or speaking to a close friend and getting to the source of this insecurity deeper than you already have.
Best of luck
x
A
female
reader, trystohelp +, writes (15 June 2008):
I feel the same about my boyfriend every single day!
I've tried to explain this to him but he never seems to understand.
Men don't, they just assume that trust issues equal paranoia and because of this you're the one in the wrong.
I've been hurt from an early age, I've been cheated on 4 times with the 'best mate', I recognise that old cheastnut a mile away! I was also left pregnant & alone, and as much as people say it's your fault again, it's not, in my case I did everything possible as for contraception and it still happened for some miracle. But being very young I made the hardest decision of my life and had an abortion.
I think of my pregnancy as a horrible stress and as the worst lowpoint in my life, at one point I even concemplated suicide. And it was hard, very hard, and at the end a relief but still a pain. It hurts to think about what I did, but I just try to but it behind me and move on and thats all you can do really.
I found my love, and I do think he's the one for me, but he suffers bad from ptsd after being in a car wreck where his close friend past away. I think he holds himself responcible for his friends death, and neither myself nor his family could ever convince him otherwise. I feel so bad for him sometimes but he just keeps himself locked away in his own thoughts, and nobody else can get in.
As he's so secretive and keeps himself to himself sometimes, all that happens is that I get paranoid, it doesn't help that his best mates a female model either.
Alarm bells just start ringing in my head & I presume he doesn't care for me even though I know we both feel the same.
We both cope with our own stress and worries and block each other out sometimes. Sometimes explaining just doesn't do the trick, sometimes the other person can only know how you feel when they feel how you feel.
All you can do really is just warn him of how you feel, most of the time I find that becuase of what I've been through with my bad relationships in the past that I need that closure all the time, I need to feel loved and be affectionate constantly otherwise I just feel rejected.
Let him know how you feel and see whether he takes it in, if not I can only reccommend therapy or speaking to a close friend and getting to the source of this insecurity deeper than you already have.
Best of luck
x
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A
female
reader, aztech +, writes (20 May 2008):
hi, i feel just like you probally even worse i've had row after row and have even cryed myself to sleep
im not as young as you and think that just makes it worse i got so angry in the past i smashed his car up threatened him with a knife told him if he ever hurt me i'd chop him up and i think i would
i feel insecure and my emagination runs away with me i.m constantly thinking about his past
the trouble is he told me all about how he was playing the feild and having casual sex and fun and i feel threatened about what i feel is the most intimate thing you can do with another
he says it was just sex normally a drunken night but he said he has many nearly every night
was he playing on my insecurity when he told me this i wander?
i am paranoid i want that excitment with us i cant stand thinking about it
yes it is insecurity and i know if i continue having a go at him ill drive him away
and if i didn't love him i wouldn't get so jelous
you have to talk things over
tell him you want answers and that you wont ask anymore you need to get them out of the way and then remember that he is with you and loves you and you have a good future and plenty of time to share your own experiences have fun and play games
but your not the only one mate as i feel just as paranoid and working on sorting my head out!!
best wishes
tina
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A
female
reader, MissWalsh +, writes (6 February 2008):
MissWalsh is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just want to say thanks to the wonderful people that have replied to my message, I am slowly taking my time to rebuild my trust in everyone. I am very very grateful that no one thinks I'm absolutely crazy! I love my boyfriend dearly and I just want to be good to him and make him happy. God bless to all of you, take care x x x x
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A
female
reader, smokytallulah  +, writes (23 January 2008):
I know EXACTLY how you feel. i'm constantly paranoid that my boyfriend is cheating on me with his ex, that he still has feelings for her.
he says he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me, but i find it hard to believe it sometimes because i don't get how someone can be with another person for a time, and not feel love even though they say it to each other constantly.
my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, and my dad and my mum don't get along, so i suppose that's part of the whole trouble - i would suggest seeking some counseling. if you're attending college, counseling is usual free at your women's health clinic.
people tell you that you have to change yourself, but i know it's really difficult, it hurts and there's nothing worse and more tiring than being constantly obsessed and on the edge.
once again, i just wanted to tell you that i know how you feel, you're not alone, but that's what love is - if you really do love him, and want it to work - you just have to trust him, even though you're afraid.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (19 January 2008):
 No i don't think you are stupid at all. You have had a bad experience at a very young age,not only were you in an abusive relationship you also fell pregnant and then lost the baby. Thats a lot for anyone to take let alone someone so young. It's good that you have met someone you have connected with and he sounds very understanding. You need to get counselling to help you come to terms with the past, i would suggest this as i think opening up and talking to someone in confidence will help no end. The trust issues you mention are common, its something again the counselling would help you overcome.Are your family supportive? if so talk to them. The one thing you have to remember is that not all men are like your ex, there are a lot of nice men out there, it certainly sounds as though you have found one. I was in a relationship when i was 17, he was nice to start with, he then became possesive and later violent. I ended it.I met my husband soon after, and i must admit i had problems with trust etc, because of my past relationship but i have been married almost 16 years and we are happy. In time you will feel trust towards your partner and you will put this behind you. I hope everything works out, and good luck. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
I no just were you are coming from believe me I was physicaly and mentally abused by my first husband and he had affairs it took me 13yrs to leave him, Only to marry a complete psychopath who not only mentally abused me he phyically abused me to the point of waking up with a knife at my throat, He tryed to kill me in the end with a samuri sword, He had no conscience and was so dangerous although ill. That after I got divorsed I suffered post traumatic stress for yrs, And still it raises it head now and again. I have had help so many wonderfull people helped me I wouldnt be where I am today, Victims support they are amazing you can talk to them about everything even though its in the past as it still affects your future hunny, It took me many years to be in a proper relationship again any sign of the past and that would be it Id be gone no questions asked, Its so frightening and you learn so much you just dont want to be back in that bad place again, I have a wonderfull fiance now who knows what happened and this is the first relationship I can feel safe I trust him 110% he is so caring and kind, But it took awhile love it didnt happen over night. I dont get paranoid or worry about were he is or who he is with I just love him so very much and I no deap within my heart that he wouldnt do anything to hurt me, We have been together 2yrs this march and I thank god everyday that my past hasnt made me angry towards men as everyone is different love..So take this love and cherish it dont worry so much enjoy this wonderfull relationship you are in now and never let those who hurt you carry on doing it when they are gone, You deserve happiness be happy for yourself and be happy for the love you receive, It may take a little time to understand this man loves you and its real but believe me when I say its worth it TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 January 2008):
 Sory to hear about your past and how you're being affected. All though there's quite a bit of information that goes a long with this type of pain. I'll highlight what's going on and give you a direction to begin. There are two separate issues and they need delt with that way. In both you can't change the past, but you can change the way it affects you by changing the way you look at the past.
Lets look at your past relationship vs. this one. Your feelings in this one is an abnormal attachment. Abnormal meaning, the threat of this relationship repeating is not present. A few months ago I did research on this form of pain, and the long term affects. What I associated it with is a car accident. Sudden trauma. The threat of the accident is no longer present because it's all ready happened, but many people feel tense, stress, fear, passing the area the event happened.
Our brains don't separate pain. It's filed as trauma. It doesn't matter what form or how it's generated, it gets filed, but as a whole. Yours is files under "relationship". That's what you were in, you were mistreated so when entering into a new relationship, your brain pulls it from the file and everything included, even the fears that were developed.
The key is to separate the issues. Don't use the word ex, use his name. Ex is a relationship term, you want to file the fears with the one that caused it and not in the relationship file. Stating "I was in a bad relationship" does the same thing. Start retraining yourself into "I was with someone who was not very nice." The fact that is was in a relationship is not valid.
Also look at the past as a positive event, all though it was hard. Can you say with complete certainty, that if your past relationship never took place, would you be with the wonderful person you're with today? I don't know if you listen to country music or not, but there's a song here that's one of my favorite songs. The corus says "God bless the broken road that led me streight to you."
I really do feel for you and what you've gone through. Physical abuse and mental abuse is hard. What can be positive about that? Making it through. Knowing what you're not looking for in a partner. Having a story that can help others that are in that situation now. No one should ever have to go through that, but realistically, if we never went through anything difficult, how would we grow, or become stronger for ourselves and our families.
Now part of your healing is building yourself back up. Being the best person you can be everyday for yourself and people you associate yourself with. In doing so, I want you to, everytime you have a bad thought about yourself, repeat "I am a good person, I'm special to myself and others, and bad things others have done to me DOES NOT determine who I am, only I have the power to do so."
I hope this helps you. Take care. Remember you're not alone having to go through things. We're generally here, if you need to talk. If these issues continue, see a counselor. Let them know you need to be checked for PTSD "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
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