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age
36-40,
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writes: I'm 25 with a 3-year-old son and my boyfriend of almost a year is 30 with a 4-year-old daughter. Chemistry between the two of us was great right from the beginning; as well as chemistry between both of our children. They play like they are brother and sister. For the first few months of our relationship he only got to see his daughter every weekend. Now we have moved in together and we get her every other week. I love my boyfriend and his daughter is great! I understand it's hard for kids when their mommy and daddy get divorced seeing as I was a child of divorce. However, the weeks she is home with us I feel alone and as if our relationship is on the 'back burner'. As if everything between him and I has to be put on hold. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm jealous of their relationship because that isn't the case. My son and I made a big decision to move 60 miles away from my entire family and all my friends to be with this guy and for it to be stagnant and non-existent when his daughter is home just seems unfair. Obviously she is his daughter and his own flesh and blood. I don't expect him to give me 100% of this time and attention; vice versa with me and my son. The big deal is that he will never show me any sort of affection and then his daughter is home and he is constantly hugging her, kissing her, saying he loves her, but when I go in for a hug or kiss he says adults don't need hugs and/or he walks away. We don't sleep together when she is home (he sleeps with her). I tried to sit down and have a talk with him, but that gets nowhere. I feel it's exteremly important for a couple to have time along each day even if it's only when the kids are asleep. My son sleeps in his own bed, but he will never make her sleep in her room. However, he is always telling me we have to have the same rules for both kids. The times we do sleep together when she is home then she wakes in the middle fo the night and comes in bed with us and I seem to get 'kicked out' of my own bed. Being jealous of their closeness is NOT the case, but why do I feel alone when she is home? Why do I have to walk of egg shells because of her? I hate that I feel this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! The thing is she is a great little girl and loves to play with my son and I. The big issue is with my boyfriend when she comes home. It's as if I'm obsolete and that my parenting skills and whatnot don't matter to him. AHHHHH :)
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Hiya,
It sounds to me like he is feeling guilty, maybe he has nothing to feel guilty about, but it seems he is trying to cram in a weeks worth of love into a few days, at the expense of you and your son, and thats not fair, but I think its the way its gonna be, at least for a year or few anyway.
I have a friend, who did the exact same thing, and he explained to me, that when he and his ex made them children, he wanted to give them everything and that included a stable home with mummy and daddy, forever. when it dint happen, he felt guilty that he dint fight harder, that by leaving when his wife said she dint love him, that he was cheating his children out of the stability he wanted them to have, consequently, he spoilt them rotten, never scolding them, and basically lettng them get away with everything.
You say you've tried talking to him, and its not worked, so if he can't see that changes need to be made to include you and your son, then you have to find another way.....
She isn't far off the age of brushing hair, wanting to put make up on you or her daddy, so make a fun time? say 4.30 till 5.30/6pm, do it when she isn't there too and so when she is, you can initiate it as a part of the norm, that way, she is gonna want to be a part of the laughter, and he will go along with it to please her.
If none of that works, just remember, she is growing, and soon, she'll be wanting to look thru your wardrobe, try on your shoes, bake cakes, and be with you and your son, coz she'll be wanting space from her 'clingy' dad, (lol) and he'll be the one looking to you for reassurance that he is still loved.
Good luck.
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male
reader, PM  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 This sounds extremely frustrating and you seem to be very understanding of the situation. Your idea of trying to talk to your boyfriend is a good one, in my opinion.
When you say that talking to him gets you no where, what exactly happens? Does he just brush you off? Does he not see an issue with spending so much time with his daughter? Have you made your feelings about this clear?
From what I can see, you have 3 options. The first is you simply accept the situation. From the way you've presented the situation, this doesn't sound like something you want to do. Your second option, is to try to get through to him. Tell him how much it really bothers you and communicate to him what you're ready to do (e.g. leave) if he doesn't try to work with you on this issue. Your third option is to leave. It sounds like you are very much in love with this man, so this would be a difficult route to go but one I think you should consider because there's no guarantee that he'll change.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 I was getting ready to read a jealous irrational post whinging about how the daughter gets all the attention... but you seem down to earth and aren't asking for much from him. Having a son yourself you'd also know to some degree how he feels about his daughter and how she will always come first in his life.
I can't offer any real advice seeing as you say he won't listen to what you say, but I thought I'd atleast speak up and let you know that I think you are right to feel frustrated. There's really no excuse for not spending quality time together when the kids are sleeping... its really not alot to ask.
It sucks, but the important thing is to not get between them...
Best of luck :)
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female
reader, MelyssahLyhn +, writes (2 August 2010):
Hii there, I would have to talk to him, attempt to make him realize that he is bending the rules for her. Also how you feel.Its definitively not going to be an easy conversation, not when you are talking about 'Daddy's little girl' Maybe you can have a girls day out. Rather then your boyfriend with his daughter, and you with your son, switch it up. Let the men have fun. I would try and 'bond' or get to know her. If you plan on that relationship to be long-term, then your going to want to solve this before it gets too awkward.Good luck! =]
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 August 2010):
 No. this is so wrong. His daughter should sleep on her own bed. It's common sense you shouldn't even have to have a pretalk about who sleeps with who. The first night he says to you he would sleep with his daughter, is the night you pack up and go. Sure her daughter will grow up one day. He is reluctant to teach her how to detach and be independent. He maybe feeling guilty of their mom leaving. But he's selfish to you. He doesn't love you. He just wants to have a pseudo mommy figure in the house. Everybody in the house should be able to blend well. You are now the girl's mommy, and mommy and daddy sleep together. I don't know if you can talk some sense to your boyfriend.
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