A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now however we have known each other and been close for 3 years. She has had 4 claimed sexual partners including me, I have had 3. Were both 23. She had sexual relations with her much older boss who was married at the time and he had got her pregnant, to which she had an abortion.I had my suspicions about them as I also worked at the same office. She denied it at first and I only found out after we were dating through someone else. She has also had two other abortions to her two other partners. She cheated on her husband when we had an affair and were not serious. I am not into the whole one night swing thing many people think guys are into. Also sex for me was a caring act between two people who love each other, not what she classed it as. She blamed me for sleeping with her boss over and over as a rebound?? He knew about our past because he made my life hell at work. We both have left since and her boss fled after getting her pregnant. Also it feels she has done everything before from having a sex tape, riding on her bosses motorbike and jet ski etc. And here i am, young and with morals. It feels like someone has stolen something from me and i cant get it back. Dont get me wrong im generally a happy and non judgemental guy, were both really onto it and have great futures and dont argue much. We really get along well, but this bothers me so much. Shes done everything with someone else before, there is nothing for us to venture out and do for the first time together? Now i am turned off when it comes to being intimate when i think of her abortions and her boss. Maybe its a culture difference but i cant grasp jumping into bed first then getting to know your partner. Please help, I want to love her without being disgusted at her past and where she has been.
View related questions:
abortion, affair, at work, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 You are having a very negative emotional reaction to knowledge of your girlfriend's past. That's a common thing, it happens to a lot of guys.
However this is triggering jealousy in you, and that's causing your thoughts to misfire. Jealousy causes us to create warped logic we come to conclusions that are distorted by jealousy.
This is coming through in all of what you say, but I want to pull out two examples:
You say:
"sex for me was a caring act between two people who love each other"
You are implying that your girlfriend isn't capable of having sex in a caring way. That's nonsense I'm afraid. The reality of sex is that it's possible for people to have both 'caring' sex (by which you are probably meaning in a committed relationship), and 'casual' sex. The same people can do both. Most people do. I have. It's also possible to have caring sex, if you want to call it that, with someone you're not in a relationship with. And it's possible to have callous sex with someone you are in a relationship with.
You haven't had casual sex. So your jealousy is able to use that as a stick to beat her with: to put her down. Jealous men have been calling women sluts since the dawn of time as a way to try to control them and make them feel bad. Jealousy makes us want to 'own' and control the other person. If you damage her self esteem this is easier. That's what your emotions are trying to do. That's what jealousy is for.
You also said:
"Also it feels she has done everything before … riding on her bosses motorbike and jet ski. Here i am, young and with morals"
Try to step outside of yourself for a moment and see how absurd that statement is.
Your jealousy is again distorting your logic, this time implying that because she's been on her bosses motorbike and jet ski, she is immoral! You on the other hand, because you don't do that kind of thing, are a moral man!
You're jealous of her. You're jealous of him, and his jet ski and motorbike. They had fun together with his expensive toys. That's totally understandable! I'd be jealous of that too. So would any guy.
But don't let your jealousy make you believe you are somehow more 'moral' because of this. All of this has nothing to do with morality. Making a sex tape is not immoral. Casual sex is not immoral, I'm afraid, even though right now you'd like to believe that because that gives you the moral high ground.
The moral high ground is a lonely place.
The true moral response here is the opposite to what you are doing. Rather than being critical, judgmental and suspicious, you could be caring, compassionate, forgiving and accepting. Morality teaches us to accept and forgive others, not to put them down.
I hope this makes some sense to you. I know how painful this can be, and I know how hard these beliefs can be to see past when you're in the moment, as you are now.
You might like to read these links too, giving some practical advice on how to get past this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-anonymous-flings-and-oral-sex-differ.html
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 I'm normally the first person to say 'You should look to the future and not the past" and all that sort of thing, but this girl seems to have been guilty of more than just being sexually promiscuous. Being with a married man, being careless about pregnancy - these go beyond just having an insatiable libido. They question her maturity and judgement.
The other aunts have it right, particularly the male anon second from the bottom on this list. Be very careful of what you're getting into. If it's early enough to get out, you should think about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (3 August 2010):
Well surely you must have had all these thoughts before you became an item ?So what are the positive things you get from the relationship ? Is it just great sex or is there more ?She does sound a bit of a nightmare morally but what's so holy about you - doing her when you knew she was married ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (3 August 2010):
And she is only 23? i wouldn't be able to swallow that either! and no wonder you cant get past the past!you was part of it you slept w/ her when she was married! and you was her fling. i have no sympathy for you are her but that you both sound pretty messed up in your head. just clean up your mess and start fresh thats my advice.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (3 August 2010):
I will be honest... contrary to what people might say that "the past is past" and that "she loves you now" , you have all the right in the world to feel this way. SEX is something that should be left to share with people that YOU LOVE AND NOT FOR SOME "FUCK & GO"... you be better of breaking the realtionship, it will hurt but you will feel better in a while... trust me I had a similar situation
...............................
A
female
reader, Angelicc  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Can you honestly say you love her if you cant completely accept her.
You knew what sort of person you were getting invovled with but now you realise she slightly more wilder then you imagined, that you'll never have a fist with her suddenly she no good for you.
Man up already.
If you cant be her first be her best, out do the men before.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): It's obvious that you both have issues preventing you from being in healthy relationships. It sounds like she uses sex to try to gain acceptance, and you are the judgmental type from whom she seeks approval.
IMO, you both could benefit from some individual counseling plus couples counseling, if you want to stay together. (Thought I don't think either of you should waste your time trying with each other.)
She will never please you (she certainly can't change her past and you say "It feels like someone has stolen something from me and i cant get it back"), you think you're better than her ("sex for me was a caring act between two people who love each other, not what she classed it as." "And here i am, young and with morals." "I want to love her without being disgusted at her past"), and you don't trust her ("I had my suspicions about them" "She denied it at first and I only found out after we were dating through someone else.") which may stem from the fact that she cheated with you on her husband. She can't possibly live up to your standards, as you're unwilling to accept her for who she is.
I wonder at this statement: "Maybe its a culture difference but i cant grasp jumping into bed first then getting to know your partner." How much time did you spend getting to know her before you jumped her bones while she was married to another man? I suppose your "morals" pushed you to do that?
I say walk away and get counseling to straighten yourself out, and, once you're happy with yourself, THEN try a new relationship.
In the meantime, she's better off without you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 August 2010):
Ok - a lot here.
1 - So shes had 3 abortions from three different men? Not a quick learner this one? Dude, I have three letters for you - STD. Have a test, seriously
2 - Given the stories you offer, I would be a bit surprised if the number was really 4, and from the way you say it it looks like you'd be too.
3 - Affair with married boss. Affair on current husband.
Quite the track record above - honestly, if 5 years ago someone read you that list and asked you if this sounds like a woman youd want to be with what would you have told them?
Nevermind the retro jealousy, there is nothing that you have described about this woman that tells me she is worth any committment whatsoever.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): You shouldn't judge her for her past but its not really your fault if you're just simply turned off, its hard to get past some of those things.
You can't force yourself to love someone, you could either talk to her about this problem or you could try moving on and finding someone who isn't quite as....experienced.
You might want to be happy with her, but you really can't make yourself love someone or be happy with them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I would advise you to stay away. You say you are usually not judgemental but you are. I dont think most blokes would want to know what you know unless it was years before you met. It would take a dedicated strong mind and not a deep thinker. You on the other hand i take it hasnt anything in your own past to cause any disgust? You cannot be with someone who disgusts you because it will keep returning to your thoughts. I dont know her past but she behaves like a woman troubled and needs someone to help her and reassure her. Not blaming anyone but this is a recipe for disaster.
...............................
A
male
reader, Compartmentalizing +, writes (2 August 2010):
I wish I had a positive response to this, but I have dealt with this kind of girl on 4 occasions that I can recall, and each one of them weren't to be trusted. The first two I got hurt on, the second two I knew exactly what I was getting in to and put up a brick wall to both. The first two were big tramps and although we had sex daily (generally considered pretty freaky), some times multiple times a day, some times in public, some times with toys, they both found time to cheat on me. What I found out is that they needed their existance to be validated by multiple people. They could not be with one man, because their validation was one persons point of view. Let me tell you, if she lied to you once, you can chalk that up to a mistake, if it's been multiple times, she is never to be trusted, I promise you will end up getting hurt!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I met my wife at 22 and she had had 41 partners. I thought at times "there was nothing left for me to do that she hadn't done with someone else.". Everywhere I wnt she had had sex, every position... For her it was much different. She was experiencing it all for the first time with someone she loved - rather than when drunk, or with self doubts about being used, humiliated etc. Anyway, it really bothered me, but we got thru it - and I am very glad we did.So, I would try to get past the jealousy / disgust part of it - if you really love being with her.The judgement she has exhibited by having three abortion with just four partners I would be much more concerned with. Do you really want to tie your financial future, entrust the care and upbringing of your future children, not to mention the safekeeping and nurturing of all your deepest dreams, hopes, fears and insecurities - to someone who has proven to be so utterly irresponsible and, yes, lazy on such an important issue as pregnancy and abortion?Don't get me wrong, I am not pro-life. I would just be very concerned with someone who has exhibited such poor judgment
...............................
A
male
reader, KingOfThron  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 For one you guys are buth 23, i would have to say move on :( i know you may have feelings for her but if you are worryed about something then it is normaly best to stay away from worrys at the start of a relasonship it just ends poorly it would save you adn this girl alot of problems.
Another thing that is off to me is that she has been having sex with a taken man, she is not saying much about her self i am afrade it seems like you have morals, and she may be lacking them...
find your self a nice girl that you dont have to worry about where she has been and what she is going to to, a girl that is willing to sleep with a taken man is a girl that is willing to cheet on her man that she is with at the time, she seems to be thinking with something below the belt and not her head
find a good girl, there out there its just hard to find one im afrade :(
good luck and i hope this helps you! =]
...............................
|
