A
female
age
30-35,
*liviiax
writes:I think I'm in love and I hate myself for it!For the past about 18 months a guy has been trying to pursue me romantically despite the fact I had a boyfriend. His family own a numerous businesses where I live, including the one I work at so I see this guy almost everyday. I'm the only one who can wait his table and at the bar. I think he has a superiority complex, plus he doesn't care about upsetting or offending people(which he does on a daily basis). All in all a horrible person. However, when I am with him he's not that person he is kind and listens and wants to know more about me. He's told me exactly how he feels about me and he doesn't care how long it takes. My (ex)boyfriend even broke up with me over him. But there is something going on with us, I can feel it every time I'm with him. Everything is just so simple and flows. I don't have to filter what I say its just easy and I just feel safe with him.So why do I feel like such a bad person because of these feelings I have for him?
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (25 January 2014):
Guys know what to say to get laid (or whatever he wants), but when he gets it he'll be an asshole to you too.
I suspect you feel guilty for liking an asshole. I used to hate this girl who I didn't know very well. Eventually we were in close quarters for a while and I ended up liking her and I was so embarrassed that I couldn't tell a soul about it, and certainly couldn't actually date her despite the fact that she was willing. I suspect it was because she was a total bitch and I knew it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): Just to add, it's how a person treats the people that don't matter to them/have nothing they want, that is the real judge of character.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): Because you know what kind of person he is and because you screwed over your ex for him.
You let a guy pursue you romantically for 18 months while you were in relationship, it's no surprise that if you have any moral compass at all you know this guy already has you screwing other people over.
You see you say he's horrible but you sound like similar people OP. He knew you'd a boyfriend and that didn't stop him, you knew it was wrong to let other people romance you while in a relationship and you didn't stop him either.
Now not only is he not afraid to hurt other people to get what he wants but deep inside you know that this "nice guy" you can say anything to is just him on his best behaviour to impress you. You can't trust him because of how he treats people and even you as some kind of prize, but then you can't exactly be trusted either so it works both ways. You too will not respect the boundaries of a relationship and fend off interest.
You just have to hope this guy's attention stays on you when the dust settles and things become "settled" in any potential relationship, because there is every possibility that he'll grow bored quickly once his pursuit is successful.
There is a lot here that doesn't exactly add up OP, maybe your gut is warning you to not pursue this. Ignore it at your peril, if you think the "real him" is the guy trying to impress you while alone and not the egotistical dickhead he is to other people then you have a nice surprise in store.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (25 January 2014):
 I suspect you feel like a bad person because you think he is a horrible person yet on some level your attracted to him and it probably is on the lust level. There is often some dichotomy between what we are attracted too sexually and what is good for us emotionally, indeed, what makes a person sexually attractive is often what makes a person emotionally bad for us. Danger is sexy, comfort and security isnt.
This is another good reason for you feeling bad. The qualities you find attractive in him are precisely the ones that make you classify him as a horrible person - ergo your mind reaches the conclusion you must be a horrible person for liking him. Probably there is also some residual guilt because you had these feelings even when you were with your boyfriend and it was obvious to him - which is why it broke you up.
Im not convinced you are as safe with him as you say you are. This seems to me like your minds attempt to square the circle of the intense physical attraction you feel for this guy by creating the illusion of something more, a feeling of safety and security etc.
You are in a real bind here. Part of me suggests you should have sex with him and see if that gets these feelings out of your system - the risk of that being it will only deepen the illusion you are casting on yourself, you will end up 'falling' for him and getting hurt even worse. You need to understand these feelings so you can control them. What you do from there on in is your choice. Good luck.
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