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female
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anonymous
writes: why am i involving myself with married men.just over a year ago i had a affair with my second cousin,i finished it all and it all became very messy,i told my long term partner what i did,well we decided we both didnt love each other anyway and decided to part.i think this was one of the reason i had the affair in the first place not for sex but looking for love and affection.thing is a year later i'm in the same situation with a guy who isnt married but has a partner,in the beginning he seemed really into me,we have been seeing each other 3 months,we have only had sex the twice,he has said he has a healthy sex life at home,so he's not sure why he is doing it but we have both agreed there is something missing in our lives.thing is what.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 August 2006):
 There's a book you might benefit from that talks a lot about how people sabotage their relationships. It covers how people get into relationships with unavailable partners, often because it is a way of avoiding long term commitment and all that entails. The book is:
"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): With Baby Girl's good advice I would also say that this pattern has happened because you don't ultimately feel worthy to be with someone who is "available".
By choosing (consciously or unconsciously) taken men, you know that you will never have a proper fulfilling relationship with them. Your behaviour and your choice in men is a way to protect you from your fear of truely having someones love but then loosing it.
You need to embark on a self-discovery of what makes you tick, and what has happened in your past to make you feel so unworthy of true love. Maybe you can do this on your own, or maybe a professional will help. You are certainly NOT alone though - there are many, many women in your position. And neither are you stuck to always finding the wrong guy - there is nothing to say your behaviour won't change.
You've already made the biggest step - seeing a pattern and wanting to change and I have no doubt you can do it. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (23 August 2006):
 Move on! Its not fair on you and it certainly isn't fair on the other woman. If you really are looking for love, look for someone single. How can you be happy? You are coming second best. Try a dating agency where there are loads of single people who are looking for love. You have to stop getting involved with married men, not only is it not fair on there partners but you will have problems trusting your future partners because you have seen how easily cheating can be done. Move on. Find your own man. good luck
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