A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a simple problem, one that I pretty much buried myself in and that even typing seems child-ish, but I can't help the way that I feel.I dated a boy for almost 2 years before we broke up because he had gotten out of hand (ie. yelling at me for every little thing, demanding I follow his orders or else, threatening to break up at the drop of a pin, calling me offensive names on a regular basis, ect ect) so much so that even his friends thought he was behaving badly. The reason it got out of hand in fact, was because he had been my first boyfriend and 'allowed' me to date someone else (test the waters?) and when I did, he was shaken and stunned. I came back however after a month because I missed him and he only wanted vindication and made the rest of our relationship (totaling almost a year) a literal 'living hell.' Anyway, I left and am dating somebody else now and have been for about five months and he is great. My ex-boyfriend begged and begged me to come back, said that he would change, promised it was only bitterness that pushed him to his cruelty and part of me believes this because he WAS a good boyfriend before that. However, I was still hesitant to come back. We met up a bunch of times anyway though.And now he's seeing somebody else. Our whole relationship has been dysfunctional and I admit, I feel like a dumb girl for even feeling remorseful and upset by this. I have somebody who loves me a lot right now by my side and I know you leave a break-up for a reason, but this does not assuage my feelings and I still feel, well, horrible. He was my first boyfriend and love and I'm wondering, is this how everyone feels when your ex begins to date somebody else? Or maybe I just genuinely still have feelings for him. I don't know.So yeah. My question is, Why? Why do I care that my ex has a new girlfriend when, I in fact have a new boyfriend and I pushed away chances of us getting back together because he had been a horrible boyfriend the second half of the duration we were together. I don't understand and my feelings are puzzling. My new boyfriend is great! He was horrible! I left him, he begged to come back...and yet through it all I still feel empty. I know it's greedy, and I hate that I feel that way. I really don't understand.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (31 March 2009):
 Wow, honey I am in the exact same situation.
My backstory is that my ex husband (also my first BF in school, and we dated for 3 yrs) and I divorced just over a year ago after being married for 4 years. He cheated on me, physically abused me, spent all of our money, started using meth and hid it from me, and even got fired from a great job because of selling drugs at work!
I know that our divorce was the best thing that could happen to me, but I am still bitter because he really pulled the rug out from under me. He left me for his new girlfriend that he kept insisting he only met after we separated, which was a lie. Now they are broke and struggling together, and even though I shouldn't care, I can't stand her and the fact that he is with her.
I also have a great BF who treats me like an actual human being and with great respect, but I still get angry about my ex being with someone.
I think for us, a lot of that bitterness stems from knowing that they wouldn't "change" for us, but apparently are willing to for another person. And that feeling sucks. All I can really say is keep your head up, and maybe sever contact with him so you can better focus on your life and not be distracted by him any longer. Just think of where you will be in 5 years and ask yourself "Would being with him have allowed me to do all of this?".
Hope this helps
A
female
reader, Honey Sweet  +, writes (31 March 2009):
 ahhhh....
im sorry about that.
this is just a challenge for your self... tougthening up. he treated you like crap, dont run back to people like that. ive gone thugh and neally did it recently but my man isnt that much of shit as yours was. Men sometimes juszt love to be in control and make poeple feel like crap. it just makes them feel thqat there in control and they say to themselves "oh dont worfry mate, sheel come running right after me!"
its basicly like a mind of a bully really.
I learned to toughen up and not chase them and lean when im in the rightr and wrong not think that im in the wron g all the time. i regreted every bit about it. Think to youjrself.... no. no way hosay! he steped on me once. no one else is stepping on me a\gain! trust m e
i hope thius has helped sweetie x x x x x
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