A
male
age
30-35,
*ohn130420
writes:Whenever I'm at school I'm always hoping for a girl to see me and think "Hmmmm I wonder who that is" and just want to talk to me. I'm always hoping some girl will see me and think I'm cute (To be honest I'm average looking-to cute to some people). Then after a while of no girl noticing me I start thinking eff everybody and start not giving a crap. Then all the sudden a girl will notice me and I'll get too happy. Than I start caring again and girls don't pay attention to me. What is wrong with girls?
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (19 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@jls022- i think what I'm going to try and do is not worry about any girls looking at me and let things flow naturally. Things usually work out way better that way
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (19 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to answer my questions jls. That last post was really helpful
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (19 March 2015):
Some girls may look at you if that's the type of people they are, but my point is people won't always make it obvious if they find you attractive. Similarly, the ones that do look might not be looking because they are attracted to you - they might think you look like someone, or they might wonder why you look sad, or whatever. You simply can't always tell.That being said, it's definitely more likely that you will attract women when you are feeling more confident because you will carry yourself differently. You won't have the same air of desperation about you which most people find to be a turn off.The way to stop caring, as you have said already, is to increase your self confidence. Your problem right now is you are relying on external factors (looks from girls) to fix what is essentially an internal problem (low self-esteem). The issue with that is your entire self worth is based on something you have no control over. So if you happen to walk past a few girls who are too busy/wrapped up in their own problems to give you the validation you want, then you spend the rest of the day feeling like crap. Whereas when you actually build your confidence within, it's not as easily crushed by the actions (or lack thereof) of other people.There are lots of great online resources for building confidence and overcoming negative thoughts if you Google it (I've used some myself so I know they work), so I won't go into it in great detail. But I promise you, if you focus all this energy into doing the suggested exercises, it will make a big difference.
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (19 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@jls022- How come I DO get looks from girls when I'm not worried about them checking me out? That's what I don't get.Yeah but HOW do i start NOT caring if girls are looking at me or not??Also my brother-in-law had a talk with me about this issue. He said "John I'm not a gay guy but you're not an ugly dude at all. You could definitely get a girl. The reason girls aren't noticing you is because this is what you're doing *proceeds to stand in a corner and look like he's trying to hide from people*."He basically told me I need more confidence in myself. Even when i was talking to him he said i looked nervous. I seriously go out in public and don't talk to a single soul. I don't even want a girlfriend, I'm not at all worried about being alone. I just want to feel like I'm an attractive guy to them. Before i had these confidence issues I didn't care about girls noticing me, and in that time girls would always stare at me in public. It wasn't my looks (not that I'm ugly) but there was something about the way i carried myself that attracted people.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (19 March 2015):
John I'm sad to say I think it's your attitude that's holding you back. You sound like you are determining your self worth depending on how many girls you believe find you attractive. And this is not based on facts either, they are just not reacting in the way you think they should if they were attracted to you, which may not be the case. For example, I would NEVER be obvious about checking out a stranger. I am more likely to avoid looking at him altogether as I'd get shy and embarrassed if he looked back.The point is, you need to learn to value yourself regardless of how many looks you get. Self confidence comes from within, and that's the most attractive quality of all. On the other hand, those who are desperate for attention and validation gives off the impression that they are demanding and needy, which to be blunt suggests they are not a great catch. After all, if YOU don't believe you're a catch yourself, why should anyone else?My advice to you is to stop looking for superficial ways in which to increase your confidence, and start working on getting to know yourself and who you are. If you can learn to love and accept yourself, then you will go out into the world believing you are a person of value who people should feel glad to get to know. Then when someone doesn't look at you, you will not feel so bad about yourself.
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reader, lions go rawr +, writes (19 March 2015):
Maybe you're just chasing after the wong girls? Talking to girls who already get a lot of attention usually aren't the ones who will act interested in anyone else. Those gals are used to being in the spotlight and have no reason to take any interest in others. Why would they? If the girls you try talking to are just awkward and shy when seeminly showing no interest, it's likely because they're nervous. You can tell from the tone of speech on whether they're disinterested or nervous. Small smiles, looking down, or even rapid blinking are all signs of nerves. Looking at a phone or watch, trying to make excuses to leave, or even a plain facial expression held for a long period of time are indicators of disinterest. Looks have little to do with how girls will percieve you. It's all about how you act. If you're nice, they should be nice. Also, it never hurts to make a sincere compliment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Guessing you're still a teenager. Unfortunately, it seems like that's just one of the pains of puberty: we care more about the other sex noticing us than most things and feel like we're going to end up alone if we don't find someone immediately. Unfortunately, there isn't some magical cure for that. Everything is easier said than done, as you probably already know. Have you set your sights on any particular girl? Instead of focusing on all the girls, find one girl that you like. She doesn't have to be 'miss popularity', just someone that catches your eye for whatever reason. Maybe you notice you have something in common with her from the beginning. That would be a great place to start. But as this can be hard to notice, just becoming friends with a girl can do a lot off good. If you're looking for a relationship, try being the gentleman and asking her if she'd accompany you to a movie. Whether it's a date or platonic can be up to her interpretation, and you'll enjoy the new attention. Sometimes, if you want a girls attention, you have to go for it. That's sort of how girls are anyways. Today, society tells young girls that their worth is based on their looks, and that they need to wait for boys to come after them to find out that worth. Them paying attention to you and then pulling back is a cruel irony of what society reflects. It's both a test for you and themselves that is usually a losing game for everyone. (aka: friend zone or creepy stalker depending on how they choose to interpret any attention from you) Best of luck to you. Hope you can get this one sorted out.
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (19 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think I'll ever have a female friend or have a girl talk to me. They never show any interest in talking, and i feel defeated before i even open my mouth. It's not like I'm ugly, I've been told I'm not ugly at all by lots of people
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reader, john130420 +, writes (19 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie- But how can I not worry about girls? It's freakin hard. I don't know why it's so hard for me either, I wish I understood why I'm like this.
I've never had a female friend in my life, EVER. You say Girls and Guys are not that much different when it comes to social interaction, but there is one thing different about girls. Girls are a lot less likely to come up and talk to me because of how quiet and reserved I am, Whereas guys aren't afraid to say stuff to me. People say I always look bored, depressed, and anxious.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2015):
 Nah, what I said is GIRLS are more subtle when alone - in groups they might actually point out a cute guy and rate him, honey.. I'm BEEN a girl, I know how we act and think.
I think you need to work your social skills, not be so busy worrying about girls. MAKE friends and acquaintances - boys AND girls.
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (18 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie- I don't even have any friends anymore because of how unapproachable i am in public. I've been told I come off as real quiet in public, and i look like i don't want to speak to anyone.You say ignoring girls won't necessarily make them more interested? Then how come when I'm not worried about them I attract them? Of course ignoring them intentionally won't make them attracted to me, but am I right in saying that if I'm not worrying about it and not trying too hard to get their attention, I have a lot better chance?Also I think you're wrong about the girls checking you out if they're in a group thing. I've had girls do it when they're by themselves, never really when they're in a group. Or maybe girls just aren't interested in me at all
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2015):
I agree with Sage, you are WAY over-thinking this.
Yes, you should TRY (because in the beginning you will find that hard) to ignore whether they look and/or give you a 1 or 10. It doesn't matter. (I'm serious).
Can they tell you are insecure? Yes. Because EVERYONE is a little bit insecure. Now they MAY not know that you go around with this CONSTANT fear of not being noticed, but they will sense something's up. Like the girl(or guy) who walk with their head down trying to AVOID attention, it can (not saying it does, but it can) stand out.
Will ignoring girls make them more interested? Not necessarily. But it can give off a "I'm OK with myself vibe" instead of the "something is up vibe".
Do you have a circle of friend? Or just a couple of friends?
Girls checking out guys is VERY different from guys checking out girls. UNLESS they are in a group) Girls are WAY more subtle. And don't forget if you (let's say) are at the Mall, and you see a girl BY HERSELF, she isn't THERE mainly to check out dudes. And she might not even be looking to interact with guys.
Lat but not least, GIRL are NOT that different from guys. So try and stop yourself from over-thinking things about them. You OVER COMPLICATE social interactions.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 March 2015):
 John: I'm "telling you" that you seem to be taking this issue FAR TOO SERIOUSLY. RELAX!!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (17 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie- I realize they don't OWE me anything, but I just hate myself when they don't look at me in a "i fancy him" kinda way, or even a smile. If a girl doesn't give me any type of friendly look at first glance, then obviously I have zero chance with her, it's basically written in stone. What about these questions I asked:1) "When I'm in public I'm desperately wanting girls to want me. I also try and look at them and I'm always looking at them in the corner of my eye to see if I'm catching their attention. Should I just stop thinking about them completely and focus on whatever task I'm doing? I mean, I have a better chance of getting a girl if I just don't worry about a girl liking me at all right? Basically should I just focus at the task at hand so that I forget about girls?" ---Should I just not think about girls looking at me/ checking me out when I'm in public and instead just focus on whatever it is that I'm doing? I mean it would make them more inclined to be interested in me right?2) "Also can women tell if I'm insecure through my actions? I'm not trying to act insecure, so how can they tell? Do you think I'm acting insecure through my actions and behaviors without realizing it? Is that possible?"---Can they? AND do you think this could be a huge part of the problem with how I'm perceived by girls? I've attracted some VERY attractive girls by guy's standards and when I did I wasn't thinking about girls liking me at all. I was just focused on what I was doing, and at the same time happy and confident on the inside.Thank you for any help.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2015):
**Am I not allowed to have insecurities because I'm a guy?**
Of course you are! All people are insecure about themselves. Some more then others, but you END you ORIGINAL post with the question:" What is wrong with girls?" TO me that sounds like you are blaming girls for whatever it is you are feeling, and that isn't fair. They aren't DOING this to you. THEY go through the same things, they try and dress up and get catcalls which can be uncomfortable so they dress down and guys think OH she must be a lesbian or slob.
LEARNING how to BE yourself around others is part of life, and it's NOT easy. Some people may seem like they have it down pat. Some don't. Some LIKE being around people, others don't. I can't stand crowds, a large number of people makes me VERY uncomfortable, but I can fake it. It took me years to learn.
You need to LEARN to not place YOUR value on what you *THINK* other people think about you. Be you, be the BEST YOU, YOU can be. As for girls? They have their ups and downs too. You don't OWE any girl to pay attention to them, nor do they OWE it to you.
But to the title, why do I care so much? Because you are human. But you need to find way to not make it "soul crushing" for you. How do you do that? Well, Yoga works well in finding an inner calm. Putting on some GREAT music when you walk across campus might distract you as well, try to say hi to girls you find cute/attractive and maybe even some you don't. Just say hi and keep going. THAT way YOU know you may have brighten up someone else' day. Who knows next time you run int one of these girls they will do the "hi" thing first.
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reader, john130420 +, writes (17 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Sageoldguy1465- So you're saying I should figure it out on my own and not ask for advice, and just live with it? This is an advice forum, and I'm using it for advice so I can better myself with women. I'm not some entitled egomaniac who thinks all girls should worship me. There is obviously a problem with the way I'm coming off in public, and I'm trying to figure out what to do to fix it. You're advice is basically saying "it is what it is. You're just like every other guy, don't take it seriously". That's not true though, my problem is I have confidence issues and I feel that I'm putting off girls because of the way I act, and I want to fix it so I can be the best I can be.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 March 2015):
John: When we are little kids, our parents often dote upon us. They do this because they love us, and want our lives to be idyllic..... Sometimes, that doting continues for an extended period... and we kids get the impression that THAT (doting) is "the norm."
Our parents should - of course - take lessons from the birds-of-feather... who hatch their offspring, then fledge them out of the nest, with just a "Good luck.. hope the cat doesn't get you..."
Ultimately, YOU have to fledge yourself.... and come to realize that the World doesn't really revolve around you... and - in fact - could quite possibly get along without you, altogether...
Why do I bloviate?? Because your complaint is similar to that which OOOODLES of us guys have experienced. We pine: "Why won't any girls look at me - approach me - ... and then, when they do... they don't seem much interested in me.... BUT, when they catch me acting like I'm not much interested - or ignoring them - they are on me like seagulls on a broken scallop in the parting lot?????"
Such is life, John. Don't take it too seriously.
Good luck....
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (17 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso can women tell if I'm insecure through my actions? I'm not trying to act insecure, so how can they tell? Do you think I'm acting insecure through my actions and behaviors without realizing it? Is that possible?
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male
reader, john130420 +, writes (17 March 2015):
john130420 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie- I'm just having a really hard time with myself in life right now. Why can't you just help me instead of getting all defensive? Am I not allowed to have insecurities because I'm a guy? Am I supposed to be invincible?HOW do I change it up? That's what I'm trying to find out. I need help! Please give me some advice, don't just say "oh do something other than what you're doing" Allllllright then I guess I'm on my own.When I'm in public I'm desperately wanting girls to want me. I also try and look at them and I'm always looking at them in the corner of my eye to see if I'm catching their attention. Should I just stop thinking about them completely and focus on whatever task I'm doing? I mean, I have a better chance of getting a girl if I just don't worry about a girl liking me at all right? Basically should I just focus at the task at hand so that I forget about girls?The problem I have is I always end up feeling really really bad with myself if no girls are looking at me. I just can't stop worrying about it. I also have nothing to focus on in life.I never use to be like this, but 2 years ago my hormones started going crazy because I'm still in puberty. I'm 20 years old but my Doctor said I'm still growing after he x-rayed my body.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2015):
As a woman how can I NOT be irritated when a guy makes this the "girls" fault?
This ISN'T about the girls, this is HIS insecurities bleeding through his actions and behaviors.
Girls/women are NOT on this Earth to stoke guys egos.
Maybe you (OP) SEEM more confident when "not giving a hoot" - many girls find confidence (NOT COCKY) attractive.
If whatever you are doing now (in approaching girls) IS not working, change it up. TRY something else.
But blaming girls? Not right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): You seem to get to eager and may be smothering.
When a girl notices you, take it slow. Don't contact her everyday and only contact her once at a time. Meaning, if you call or text wait for her to respond, don't contact again.
being to eager will ALWAYS run people away.
Another way to not be too eager is to have options, have a life of your own and keep busy. You won't ever feel the need to focus desperately on one person.
And spend time getting to know yourself as well
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2015):
What is wrong with girls?
SERIOUSLY?
It's GIRLS fault? For what not noticing you or only occasionally noticing you?
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