A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:WHY DO I ATTRACT PIECES OF SHIT?I'm having a total break-down! I've been reflection on stuff and I want to scream...........is it me? what am i doing wrong?here's the story:I was with my ex for 13 years!!!(hs bf). He did NOTHING! I went to work, came home, fed him, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, he went out drinking with his buddies sometimes till 2-3 am( on weeknights cause "that's when STEVE OR dAVE HAD THE DAY OFF" inconsiderate of the fact that i worried about him and i was up the next day at 6am to go to work..........he did NOTHING to help me, i was so overwhelmed and tired, sometimes i felt like didn't even have time to talk on the phone with my own mom!The next piece of shit looked like the nicest guy at first till he started using me for sex despite the fact that he knew i had feelings for him and i wanted more. he had other girlfriends on the side and was mean enough to even rub it in and keep me in my place by "accidentally" confusing things they said or did and asking if i did that or by telling me about girls he had coming to see him from overseas and girls he was taking to x-mas parties cause "he had no one else to ask" and vacations he was going on with another woman!( I didnt end it right away cause at first i couldn't believe it, i had feelings for him and wanted to get closer to him not to push him away and cause i lacked the confidence to stand up for myself)After we broke up they both wanted to stay friends which i can not do.........the first i just told to go away and get lost, the 2nd i thought id give a chance as a friend cause i'm stupid and naive and i fell for..........."you're an awesome girl", "i can be there for you if you have problems.....as a friend......your best friend". I'm stupid and i believed him and my heart fell for him again and i started talking to him and being nice but i don't think he meant what he said and i think he's mad cause I am not having sex with him. What the hell is wrong with me? I really want to believe that people are good so i am good to people as well and i don't see red flags when they are clearly there. I really need a nice guy, someone i can talk to, someone who will love me and LET me love him without running off scared, someone who will appreciate me and not take me for granted..........I'm human not super woman!!!I've met nice guys before but they push so hard that they scare me and the assholes take it as slow as i want and they are sweet and charming so i end up hurt by pieces of shit like these 2Any opinions out there? I feel so sad and overwhelmed:(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Hi Sweetie,
I so feel for you!! It sounds like you are just like I am. I unintentionally make myself be a doormat--but what I intend is to completely love the guy I'm with. The reason I have stayed in relationships when I shouldn't is that I focus on the good qualities they have (sometimes they are few)--and I overlook any negative qualities. I believe in loving completely and being as giving as I can be. Unfortunately, this attracts loser/user types. In the future, I am going to hold back on the giving--and try not to love too much too soon (until I see if he is going to be loving & giving). Good luck to you--I completely understand how you must feel!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): I meant don't go on looks and charm alone.....I am typing too fast for my brain...or something like that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): I think everyone on this page is right.
An excellent web site I think to browse around in and read some articles is drphil.com.
He suggests that women make a list of what they want in a man, the character of him.
On that list you should have three non negotiables, everyone has them and you have to be real about what those are. That means that is someone you are dating violates any one of those three things, then he is the wrong person for you. Also, certain things can be combined together in one non negotiable...and I mean everyone wants someone who can stay out of jail so that shouldn't be one of them, lol.
Then take a look at your list, realize that you are not going to meet someone who meets 100% of the things on that list, but if you can find someone in the 80% range, then that is a great guy for you. So get real about what you really want and need and reject any guy that doesn't even come close, don't get to emotionally invested until you know what that guy is all about, do go on looks and charm alone!
Also, as another aunt said, once you do start dating, set your personal boundaries early with him, and teach him how to treat you. If he can't step up to your standards, then next.....
This way you will cut through the jerks and come out better for it.
We have all had our share of making mistakes with men, some of us just keep banging our heads against that proverbial wall, and of course once you like someone it is easy to start making excuses for their bad behavior, and if they can't shape up or won't, it is better to be single than to be miserable, just take some time to get your emotional legs back under you and then try again.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 There is a clear reason why this has happened to you - because you have allowed it to happen. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but it is sadly the truth of the matter. I think Jerry Springer (the authority on all things sleazy) once said 'people treat you how you allow them to treat you'. Sure there are bad people in the world but they can only repeatedly do bad things to do if you let them come back and use you as their punchbag. I would say you need to apply some caution to your relationships with men and stop going back for more bad behaviour once they have offended. I am sorry you feel very sad at the moment but that is just a valid emotional reaction to what has happened to you. Everyone makes mistakes in dating and friendships as nobody is perfect! The secret is to learn the pattern of errors in judgement and apply it to the next relationship that comes along. Next time a man doesn't help in the home, makes you a domestic slave, cheats on you and makes you miserable...look in the mirror and remind yourself that being single is so much better than being with a loser. I have no doubt if you come to understand why you allow men to treat you badly then you can move on from this. If it is a purely self confidence issue then get some help for that.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 You're too passive, and assholes like those two men will surely pick up on that and use it to their advantage. It's not entirely your fault, that second idiot was clearly manipulating you and using your insecurities against you.
Make it clear you won't take any bullshit, and then stick to your word. If you let anyone get away with disrespecting you, it will continue. It's up to you to take control of the situation, don't allow them to turn you into their doormat. It doesn't matter how much you love someone and want them to change, selfish men like that only care about themselves and their own concerns.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Everyone makes mistakes and thats what they were. Your problem seems to stem from the fact that you stay in the relationship way past its sell by date.
Damage limitation is the key here. Don't stick around with guys hoping they or something will change cos it won't. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you
I don't feel that i am drawn to " BAD BOYS" ....I HATE bad boys......i LOVE nice guys and i don't get bored they just push so hard so fast that i get scared and i start to wonder....why? why is he so eager? what's he after?...so i don't really push him away but i don't meet hi half way so he eventually loses interest and moves on thinking.........."she's too guarded' or" she's just not into me". i think softtouchmale is right, then next time i meet a nice guy I'll just have to slow him down and tell him that i do like him to be patient with me cause i do not want or like the drama and the uncertainty...........I need EMOTIONAL SECURITY
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): The first guy was a lazy slob who used you like a slave, the second a serial womanizer. You knew this and yet you decided to stay with them - even as they made your life a living hell. You should not have remained in relationships in these men once you found out what they were truly like and when they refused to reform their ways. Harsh as it may sound, you are at fault for having allowed these idiots to have walked all over you. Yes, I accept that having feelings for someone makes it difficult to make a clean break from them, but you permitted their behaviour to get way out of hand by not ending it when it was self-evident that these men were not worthy mates. That said, these are only 2 guys and everyone is different. None of us men are perfect, but there are plenty of faithful and thoughtful men out there. You've just been unlucky with these two. You claim that whenever you meet nice guys you tend to push them away and only feel drawn towards BAD BOYS. This, I believe, is the root of your problem. You like the challenge the assholes privide. They charm you but there's always the allure of never really being certain whether you'll be able to hold them down. The nice guys, by contrast, are just too easy and this causes you to lose interest. Lots of women seem to behave like this, but it really isn't a very healthy outlook if you're interested in a happy long-term relationship with someone who isn't gonna cause you grief in the long term. I would suggest trying to date nicer men, even if they do tend to come in a bit stronger that you're used to. After all, if they are generally good guys and not just assholes in diguise, then they should be able to respect your decision to take things slowly if you make it clear to them that's what you want. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 This one's easy to respond to. The solution:
You need to look at the actual character of the man you want in your life. It seems you want:
1. A hard-working guy. That is a guy who goes to work and keeps his job, supports the family, and has no problems with that.
2. Doesn't drink or take drugs.
3. Is more concerned for you than himself or at least considers you very important in his life, as you do him in yours.
4. Is open to being close to you emotionally and intimately, and who respects you as a woman and as his girlfriend or life-partner, wife or whatever you want to be labeled as.
5. Won't leave your side unless you make him go.
6. Will open his heart to you, and make a home in it for you; and you for him.
That's what it sounds like.
What you got:
1. HS Sweetheart. User, drunk, lazy slothful bum. No-good-for-nothing. So you got rid of him.
2. Second guy, #2, womanizer, philanderer, user, and brags about it. Not very good. Doesn't sound very devoted to you, huh?
A word about nice guys: If a nice guy is attractive to you, but he seems a bit pushy, just tell him to take it a little slow. But don't throw him away. You might find that the man you're looking for is in there, he's just eager to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): Awww, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I hate to even say this when you are down, but you asked....yes, it is you. Everyone has a choice in who they are with and how they are treated. Personally, I wouldn't have a guy around like your ex, not even for a minute.
This is the key...You have to love yourself and expect that people will treat you well, until then, no one will. In other words, raise your standards of acceptable behavior. When you get to that point, you will be indignant if you are treated lousy and something inside you will scream, hey, how dare you treat me like that...and walk away.
So here is your homework...google, 'learning to love yourself'. It will change your life.
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