A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and unles. I wake up everything morning with a knot in my stomach over a guy and it's silly as I know we were nothing to begin with. I guess I'm so sad as yet again I can't keep a man. is it me???! P.s I'm not here for judgement I'm 31 and single again! I live back with my patents in London due to having no money. Which doesnt help my self esteem. I'm not bad looking and have friend's, but no matter where go I can't meet men! I'm now considering Internet dating.... But scared there is just something wrong with me. It's like I'm drawn to bad seeds and even the nice guy doesn't want me. Examples- love of life, together, then he got married, (to someone else) we had affairs, he left wife but not for me in end, for someone else (despite us being together originally and 7 years) totally screwed up. He had issues as grew up in a abusive household where he's see his stepdad beat his mum (he was never violent ) Then M, who turns out didn't do relationships and was sex addict for validation, as growing up in his loving but highly Christian family he was the fat kid, lost loads weight, moved to big city got amazing job looks hot and sleeps with everything possible. I fell for him and a year and a half I tried to to make it work - he did tell me he loved me and was only person his ever said that /felt. But one didn't change him/anything, two I have learnt actions speak louder than words. And the latest P, who I met 3 months back at a music festival with friend's, a lovely sweet shy guy... We met started see each other, he hanged out with my friend's loads everyone loved him and were like finally a nice guy. His sweet, good job, would text and call loads... But after few weeks he said just wants to be friend's, great!! Then we go back to sleeping together and then we don't and it' was all so confusing. Then it turns out he grew up in a Jehova witness family and was married and divorced at 23. I like him, but so immature. He claimed I was too old for him (his 28, I'm 31) and he would say doesn't know what wants etc and wants to get to know me as friends so not sleeping with me again and then go from being coupley to being mates and back again.. Then he just stopped calling/ texting a month back. That's it never hear from himAgain... Truth is I think he met me liked me a little but we ended up sleeping together after few dates, then because he is so hang upOn sex (doesnt believe in one night stands or causal sex etc) he continued to sleep with me few more times, only he wasn't really into me. Still though, was it me?! My friend's tell me that he def had issues and he acted like a 19 year old because they think his past, (he left the witness few years back) I don't know... I do miss him as he is a lovely guy. But he just stopped contact and hasn't replied to my messages... Another one bites the dust. Why is it that on the rare occasion i met a man, I always end up meeting guys like the above?! Cx
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affair, christian, divorce, immature, money, one night stand, self esteem, sex addict, shy, text, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 You aren't being selective in your dating process. Normally after a bad relationship we learn more about ourselves and can determine what he need and don't need. For instance I dated a man who had a child whereas I am childless. It caused issues for me to have an ex wife around all the time and a child in the picture when I was so young. When we broke up I made sure to not date a man with a child again. It's things like that that you learn. Then you apply it when searching for a new man. You HAVE to be selective. If you date anything that looks attractive enough then you end up dating people that aren't right for you. Set up criteria that he must meet. Has a job, certain age range, certain point in their lives that shows maturity, complements your personality. Whatever you need to have a stable and secure relationship. Don't sleep with men until you are committed and in a relationship. That will weed out quite a few losers that aren't right for you.
Also online dating is a great option. I met my husband this way. It essentially just opens up your dating options more. Now you have men you could meet out and about and you have tons of men online you could get on with. You just give yourself a lot more choices and better chances to meet someone good for you. Find someone who is compatible to you and has their life on track, that's the simplest things you need to be looking for. After that go on dates and when you both feel ready and really like each other become exclusive. Then have sex sometime after that, should give it at least a month from the time of meeting him, longer never hurts. If you respect yourself enough to wait you will find men who respect you as well. And respect yourself enough to be a man's only lady, not the one he has affairs with. If you keep dating the wrong guy then it isn't a surprise you get treated badly and end up alone. Find a good, decent man and don't be afraid to reject the ones that display less than stellar characteristics. If a guy you meet seems very similar to you ex then run the other way. You don't want to keep attracting the same type. Like the women and men you hear about that always get cheated on, they are attracting the wrong type of person and keep falling for the same things. We have all dated losers. We just need to learn from it and stop making bad decisions.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Crikey us girls!!!...we don't half put ourselves through it don't we???
Been there myself darling, always managed to attract the guy with 'issues' because something in me told me I could help them/save them/give them the love they needed...never really went into any of those relationships thinking 'What do I need?' so ended up flogging a few dead horses, putting myself through tough times and clouds of confusion only to be dumped by them without a second thought!!
After so many failures I really seriously was beating myself up, even had a period of serious depression over one guy who I dated for 2 and a half years...did me no good in the end, he still left and I was devestated.
Analysing it, I think we all secretly wish for that Disney Prince...yu know?...the perfect guy who will fall deeply in love with us and take care of us (we were raised on that shit afterall). The reality is that most people are flawed and making relationships work is a two way street planted firmly on a bed of trust, respect and sexual/personality attraction...and then comes the work of making it work!!!
I don't have any magic answers (and I am a great deal older than you) but I have learned my lesson. On paper I am fan-bloody-tastic, educated, good looking,keep myself in great shape, have no debt, brilliant job,enjoy life to the max and have a lot of love to give. The reality is that this isn't enough to make me attract the right kind of man into my life...I just never actually MET the right guy yet.
Do I think it's my fault? No not really (personally my days of self denigration are over)...it's just one of those unfortunate, unlucky, quirky, everyday life situations that just happened to happen to me.
The most important lessons I learned is NOT to put life on hold because you are single and NOT to over analyse anything EVER!!!...because there is absolutely no point to it at all and it never helps.
Why do you always meet Mr Wrong?...probably the same reason I do and the same reason millions of other people do too...it's just the way life is sometimes and the good news is!!!...it can change at any time as long as you keep moving foward and don't dwell on the past.
I feel for ya xxxx keep your chin up xxxx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 There's nothing wrong with internet dating. It isn't some sort of last resort, internet dating is just another way to meet people who are single. Communication online, and flirting online, can be easier for some, and harder for others. You need to find the arena you fit best into, and who knows, maybe you're skilled at text flirting and will land loads of men that way. Then again, maybe you are a great dancer and would have better luck going out dancing. It's just different arenas, that's all. Internet dating isn't for losers or some last resort.
Probably, something is up with you. You keep picking the wrong men. If you know you are attracted to the wrong things then make a little awareness campaign for yourself. List up what the wrong things are to look for, and what the right things are. List up what you, through experience with the wrong men, have found out. Maybe you've found what you truly need or want. Perhaps someone stable, since you say you can't "keep" a man. Maybe you need someone not whimsical, someone who is determined, strong willed, and outspoken. Oh, and mature of course.
Even if you rarely meet guys that doesn't mean you need to jump at the few you do meet. Say no if he's a bad seed! Save yourself the trouble. Don't sleep with him until you are in an official relationship, for one. That could have saved you from P at least, or definitely it could have helped you avoid speculating in why he continued to see you if he wasn't that into you.
Then go on dates and remember what you've learned from past relationships: action do speak louder than words. So if something is off about a guy, don't meet him again. Stick to your plan. Remember what you want. Of course you're going to meet weird guys, or guys who aren't a good match for you. Because the world is full of them. You need to kiss many frogs before you find a prince, right? That goes for you and everyone else, except for the truly lucky ones who meet their prince or princesse at first try (and then unfortunately tend to take them for granted).
Be more selective in who you date. Don't just take anyone who's willing.
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