A
male
age
36-40,
*harger
writes:Ok so I've been talking to a couple girls lately even one of my ex's. One of the girls I'm talking to is a girl I met on a dating site awhile back and we've been facebook friends. I've never met her in person and have never talked to her on the phone. I got her phone number recently but we only text and I'm alway starting the conversation but she always text right back like within minutes. I've asked her multiple times if she wants to meet and she says yes everytime and promises she wants to meet me but she always has short answers. My most recent ex broke up with me and on Facebook I put I'm single again so the my last ex before this one wrote a comment saying her daughter and her miss me and want to hang out. So we started to kinda talk again but the last couple times I've tried to see her it hasn't happened but she says she wants to see me. She works a lot but has had the last 3 days off like she said wednesday that we would hangout today which is Friday so I said I would call her Thursday to make the plans so I did then she said she didn't know if she could cause her dad was having some sort of surgery. I said i could drive them and she said she would call today to tell me what's up but she never did. I'm friends with her dad cause I used to work with him. He set us up back in the day and wants to hang out with me like we're gonna go fishing sometime soon. Basically why do girls say they want to see me and don't try to? I still have feelings for her and was great with her kid. Im gonna call her house soon to check on her dad. I'm just tired of ppl I care about ditching on me. Any advice would help and thanks
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 June 2012):
Hi. It seems that you don't feel happy unless you are in some kind of relationship.
It's really important to find a way of making your own life interesting, without the absolute need for someone else to do it for you.
You can't depend on another person to make you happy, just by their existence in your life.
You have to feel like a whole person first, even without being in a relationship.
We are each responsible for our own happiness.
No-one else can do that for us.
It really comes down to total acceptance or ourself first.
We need to be happy with who we are.
Regardless of how you went in school, plus the fact you haven't gone to college yet, that doesn't make you any less of a person, or less worthy.
We are all equal. No one person is better than anyone else.
If you are concerned that you haven't gone to college at this stage, then why not look at what you are interested in doing.
A good way to find that out, is to try some interesting hobbies, and perhaps in time, they might enable you to make a living from them.
You just never know.
And even if you didn't go to a college, why not look at the courses some private colleges run?
You could look in your telephone yellow pages, for colleges in your local area.
Then call them, and go and see them and see what courses are running there, and what you might be interested in pursuing.
You probably will be able to get some course brochures from them, which will give you a pretty good idea of what the courses cover.
And if not going to college, what about getting a trade?
And a trade requires an apprenticeship with a company.
As I don't know what you do for a living now, I don't really know whether you are working or not.
In any case, the real point I am making here, is that you expand your horizons a little.
If you can first think about what things you enjoy doing in your life, and what interests you, well that's a pretty good start.
So really, the more you put into your life generally, the more enjoyment you get out of it.
And the really good part, is that it will begin to take some of the focus off the need to be in a relationship, as your only source of happiness.
Variety after all, is the spice of life.
The more you do, and the more variety you add to your life on a grand scale, the more things you have that will bring happiness and joy into your life once more.
And it goes without saying, that when you find something you are interested in studying, and you find that you are really enjoying the course, it will as a result, help you to start building some self confidence.
And this is what is partly missing in your life at the moment, isn't it?
That confidence will start to spread throughout every area of your life, as time goes by.
When you have confidence, it shows and you project that confidence onto everyone you meet.
And you will feel so good about yourself, that you won't have a need to continually prove yourself to others.
You will already know that you are worthy, and equal to all others.
And, you won't need a girlfriend to make you feel good about yourself.
You will already feel fantastic.
A
male
reader, Charger +, writes (10 June 2012):
Charger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I feel like I'm wasting my life like I feel like I've never accomplished anything. I haven't even went to college yet. I feel like I've lost the will to improve myself which I need to get it back. I do need to keep myself busy so I don't over think things I know and sometimes it's hard for me to. It's hard for me to be happy with myself I know I can be better a lot better though. Cerberus I agree with everything you said and need to do all of it. I'm glad you were able to overcome your stuff and be happy now which one day I hope I'm at that point. I scared to go to college cause I was always in lower classes growing up and I'm not school smart at all. I also don't know what I'm good at and that makes me feel worthless. My last relationship ended a couple weeks ago. We were doing fine like she was really cool like before we met in person we talk on the phone just over 8 hours in 2 days which is crazy time flew when I was talking to her. Well a month ago she started to ignore me for a couple weeks and I went crazy cause I had no clue why she wasn't talking. Well it was cause she knew I had friends that were girls and I deleting there text from my phone yeah she snooped in my phone. So she thought something was going on. We ended up getting back together and after a week she started to ignore me again and this time she said I was being possessive and seemed like I'm controlling and also texted her way to much. I might have been possessive but I'm not controlling at all. She also said we were moving to fast to soon. But I don't get why she said that cause during that week when we were back together I stayed at her place a couple nights and she told me she loved me and was sorry for ignoring me the first time. I also asked if we were moving too fast and she didn't think we were. I just didn't get why she would say she loved me then say that stuff. Now she doesn't talk to me and all and deleted me from facebook. She actaully never told me we broke up either. That made me stressed out recently. Now the problems with the other girls is making it worse especially me last ex wanting to see me then not trying it seemed. Like I said I'm lost but hope I find my way and change for the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): You need a new hobby or hobbies OP. Something new or that you used to have but kind of stopped with it, something that you can dedicate your passion and focus to, something that rewards your endeavour, gives you pride in yourself and provides a fun distraction in life. Women are not that. In fact people in general aren't that OP. As far as being lonely you need to learn to hedge your bets, understand that depression is causing your loneliness and that the only way to combat loneliness is to spread yourself about and not dedicate yourself and your time to one or two individuals it's too much for most of us OP and we're not the solution to your problems, you are. When you do focus too heavily on one person it becomes overbearing and they quite simply cannot fulfil your needs because you need too much. Do you understand what I'm saying?
When you do that OP you then live and die on that person's actions, they're like heroin, when you get your fix the high is very intense, a manic elation, but when they miss one phone call the low then is crushing. Surely you've figured by now that's a horrible way to do things. You can't rely on other people that way, no one is that reliable that you can give that much importance to them. So spread it out. Have a few people you can contact to hang out with, guys you can play video games with or go to the bar and watch the football and play pool, then other people like your mom who you can go have dinner with once or twice a week, even take her out for lunch and treat her. Or invite your parents over for dinner in your place etc. Siblings, the same.
OP I'm sure you have plenty of people in your life that like spending time with you and hanging out. Instead of focussing on one, spread your time out amongst them and you'll always have people to see and places to go.
Now back to the hobby thing I was talking about earlier. You sound like me, in that you're an obsessive person, and you've made your obsession girls. Worst idea ever because you care too much. Get a new hobby, start improving your life for you. I suffered depression on and off for years and very quickly figured out girls were not the answer. The answer was for me to fight to improve myself. Mentally, emotionally and physically. The only person in this world you can rely on 100% to make you happy is you.
I personally just went hell for leather with self improvement. Took classes to learn a new language, computer courses to gain new skills, read tonnes of DIY books, read tonnes of skill books, survival books, handbooks on everything from special forces hand-to-hand combat to cooking skills books, all to improve my mind and ended up needing more so went back to college to get a degree, masters and work on my PhD. Emotionally I volunteered with the Irish Red Cross, Amnesty International met new people related to my hobbies, took up watching soccer and chose a team to support, spent more time with family, rekindled old friendships became more social and kept busy socializing, volunteered at a community radio station.
Physically then I started working out regularly, took up rowing, kayaking, started playing soccer and took up a load of martial arts, mountain climbing, dance classes the list of all the above goes on and I could be here all day listing them.
Where in any of those things you see have I even got time or reason to be depressed? I mean come on, would you rather be sitting there behind your computer feeling low about not getting a phone call from a girl or would you rather be reaching the top of a small mountain after a 3 hour gruelling climb, just as the clouds are beginning to break revealing a warm orange sun, or treating the wounds of a little girl who has fallen off her horse at a riding event with the Red Cross, or potting the black after a very close game of pool or pounding a guy into the ground in an mma bout or grabbing a beer with your parents after having cooked them a nice meal or getting in that extra rep of heavy weights and feeling your shoulder muscles burn with the work load or be just at the door of a plane knowing in 5 seconds you're going to have to jump out?
OP there are far too many good things in life for you to do, too many things you've always wanted to try, too many things for you to experience to be sitting there moping feeling bad about something as menial as a girl. That's the trick OP, it's to fill your life with small achievements, new sensations, new people and improve yourself.
You need that kind of life so get up off your arse and live it.
A happy coincidence about all that OP is that as your life becomes exciting women find you exciting, women want to share your life OP not be your life and you have to have a life they'll want share. I'm ripped now, as arrogant as it sounds I have a very impressive physique one that random women in clubs approach me wanting to run their fingers over my abs, I can also pound even the biggest of guys into the dirt and have many times when they've started fights with me or tried to molest my girlfriend, I'm a great cook I have an amazing relationship of 7 years now and I have a great group of friends and very strong ties to my family that I have spent time and effort in maintaining.
None of what I did was hard, none of it is out of your reach and seriously ask yourself can you see any downside to what I do? Or how I choose to live? You've given girls too much power over your happiness, time to take that power back and time to make yourself happy. Life is too short to be sitting at home waiting for a phone call. You could be diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow and what then? You ever see how people with cancer and stuff start running marathons and climbing mountains etc.? because they finally understood that at the end of their life they never really lived it and it's never too late. Well I live like that now and there's no reason you shouldn't too. You only get one life, don't waste it moping.
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A
male
reader, Charger +, writes (10 June 2012):
Charger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you both for the replies. Ive just been depressed for awhile and that doesn't help with thinks. I guess I want things to happen now so I can have fun and not be depressed. I guess I just want to be part of a girls life. I'm 25 and have only had 2 real relationships but they didn't last long cause of bad communication on there part. I'm a nice guy that will treat a girl right and am told I'm a really good looking guy but I just don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I think I get needy sometimes. Now I go on dating sites but I'm not good with word when I text. I'd rather talk on the phone but or meet in person. Girls only like texting it seems and that's when I fail they get bored of me I think. I called her house today to talk to her dad to check up on him. I didn't try to talk to her cause I figured I'd call her in a few days.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 June 2012):
Hi. Perhaps as you say, you do overthink things and read into something said, as there being more there, than what was actually meant.
Unfortunately, that's a part of being human.
We all do this at times, and read between the lines and somehow interpret something different than what was actually said.
What happens then, is we can get a whole different meaning altogether.
And that causes confusion.
It's probably the biggest cause of most misunderstandings.
what is a better thing to do, is if you don't quite get the meaning of a statement, well then simply ask - "When you said ..... What did you mean, I don't get it?"
In other words, getting that person to clarify what they said.
And then when they do, it's easy.
So often though, many of us don't bother asking, and instead, make our own assumption.
And there lies the problem.
You probably just need to stop second guessing yourself all the time, and just feel confident with who you are and accept that everything is perfect, just the way it is.
Remember, everything in life happens for a reason.
If some things don't happen the way we would like them to, it simply means that there is something else even better, that's not too far away.
Or that the timing isn't right, at the moment.
As an example, just say you applied for a job you thought you would love, you go for the interview etc. and it goes well, however in the end you don't get that job after all.
Disappointment is felt of course.
And then a week or two down the track, you apply for another job, go for the interview and it goes well too, then you get that phone call to say - "you got the job, congratulations! And you start on (whenever)!"
And then you think to yourself - "Well if I had got that other job, I wouldn't have been able to apply for this one. And I absolutely love this job, it's fantastic!"
It's a case of the old saying - "As one door closes, another door opens."
And it is so true.
All I can recommend that you do, is keep talking to this ex with the daughter on Facebook or whatever other way you communicate, and just don't push the idea of getting together just yet.
Say nothing of it at all.
I think you said she works odd hours and it's hard to organise seeing each other, so all the more reason for you to just stand back a bit, and let things happen if they are meant to happen at all.
And for now, maybe don't even think about wanting to see her again.
Kind of like, out of sight and out of mind, if you get what I mean.
And in the meantime, just enjoy any communication you do have with her.
And maybe even, let any suggestion of seeing you again, to come from her - rather than from you.
You will know when she has some time to see you, when she says a specific day of the week and makes a suggestion of somewhere to go or to meet up.
So say nothing of it, until that time comes.
Because at the moment, all she is saying is that she would like to see you and her daughter misses you - but it's really nothing more than a hint.
So you have done all that you can for now, and it didn't work because she had to go to the hospital to see her father, and meeting up with you didn't happen after all.
So it would probably be wise to not suggest anything more, for now.
Leave it entirely up to her.
Even if she keeps on saying - "My daughter and I want to see you again." - still say nothing about meeting up, just ignore it.
Or else perhaps, say - "And how have you both been?"
And just let her tell you what's been happening. So there's no pressure of any sort.
It's polite, without going too far.
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A
male
reader, Charger +, writes (9 June 2012):
Charger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I can push sometimes which is hard to control. I'm sure its cause I haven't kept busy lately so I have time to over think things and push with girls. I know I can't completely judge her on not calling me cause I don't know how busy she is. I guess I'm more happy hanging out with girls I know that's stupid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): " I think I pushed her too much when we were together. I'm a over thinker so that doesn't help."
Sounds like that's happening again OP. You need to calm down. The dating website girl is probably being cautious OP. Plus I wouldn't meet up with a person who has their ex sniffing around so blatantly on Facebook. Unless this new girl is an idiot she'll protect herself from that.
As far as your ex saying one thing and then not responding to your seven million phone calls you need to relax. Her father's sick, she has a kid she kind of has plenty of reasons why she'd be difficult to contact doesn't she?
I think you're being too pushy and sound very angry about a menial thing.
If you think being overbearing and thinking too much was a problem then why are you still acting that way?
Forget about them for a while and just do other stuff. Let them contact you for a change.
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A
male
reader, Charger +, writes (9 June 2012):
Charger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI try calling 2 times today but no answers. I think her dad was just getting shots in his back. She was supposed to call me before to let me know what the plan was. When we were together she didn't try to much and when she broke up with me she thought she was too immature for me. I think I pushed her too much when we were together. I'm a over thinker so that doesn't help. We broke up last February. I do still really like her and don't want to give up. I have talked to her on the phone like I did yesterday and she doesn't have a cell phone right now so I can't text her. It just bothers me how she contacts me on Facebook and says her and her daughter want to see me especially on my change of relationship status to single from my most recent girlfriend and she doesn't try.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 June 2012):
Hi there. Perhaps you don't make any definite plans, so they think you might be half-hearted about seeing them.
Why don't you just call up the girl with the daughter, whose father was having surgery, and ask how it went and if he is okay.
It's possible that there were some problems and she is going back and forth to the hospital to see her father, and hasn't had much free time to herself.
When you are regularly seeing a family member who is in hospital, it does take up a lot of your time.
The days just seem to fly by, and nothing much else gets done.
You could try calling her and at least ask how she's been, and ask her if she would meet you for coffee one afternoon.
And if she says "yes", well there's a new beginning.
Don't give up on her though.
Maybe you could even text her about seeing you, and say to her - "Let me know when you are free".
A phone call is much better though, it's more personal.
And then give her a day or so to return your call, before attempting to call her again.
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