A
female
age
36-40,
*nlyhaveeyesforyou
writes:My boyfriend told me he was single when we first met. Then pretty soon I get a phone call from a woman claiming to be his wife! I confronted him- He said he didn't tell me he was married because they were already separated. He hasn't lived with her in months. And before their current separation they had been separated previously in their relationship as well, had tried to work it out, but failed.He said he lied to protect me from the whole situation. And that he didn't want to risk running me off in te beginning. I asked him what he told her when she confronted him. He told her everything she wanted to know and has never lied about me or tried to hide anything.I told him it was over unless he bought me back proof that they were in fact already legally separated. He drove out to the town she lives in (which is a few hours away) not long after this incident and bought back divorce papers. That was all I needed to see, and had no probelm continuing our relationship together. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong.Yet she for some reason is still trying to blame me for ruining their marriage! From what he has told me she is totally bitter and angry and with a huge temper. I've seen pictures of her and she puts no effort in her appearance whatsoever. And from what I can tell, she totally takes him for granted. He is about 10 years older than me, and she is a few years older than him. They have one five-year old together and she has a teen from her previous relationship before him who just moved off to college. I understand no one wants to get divorced, but how can she possibly blame me for the failure of their marriage when their separation had nothing to do with me whatsoever?! I did start getting a little insecure when he went to visit his son one or two times each month when he's not busy at work- but its not like I'm 'the other woman.' Its not like he spends time with me here and there every once in a while and then goes back to her each night. Since the very beginning, not a day goes by that we aren't either with one another or on the phone all day. He's with me anytime he's not at work, we never tire of one another's company. And when he is working we're constantly texting and emailing the entire time. I'm always so excited to meet him at the door when he gets off of work. The sex is amazing, but that's not what its all about- not for me or him. We truly adore one another and I would do anything in my power to make him the happiest man alive (in every aspect of his life and our relationship) because that's what makes me happy.So I'm no longer insecure about him being around her or about all the bad crap she might be ranting about me, or any crazy scheme to try and fix the damage that can't be undone (they both cheated on each other previously)- I'm just his first 'relationship' since her. I'm no longer insecure because I know that she could never offer what I offer. My pleasure in life is making him happy. I consider myself the best and I don't settle for less than the best- and he is literally incomparable. So am I. We are both alphas, but I have enough love and respect for him to be able to stand down to him as my partner and equal. The entire time he was with her, he was simply settling. He knows how lucky he is to have found me, and I realize how lucky I am that he did find me. I am thankful for every second that we have together. I never believed in the term 'soulmates' before, but if there is any truth to that phrase, then this is about as close as it gets lol.All he experiences when he's with me is total admiration, adoration, love, respect, and desire. He can feel good about himself when he is around me because he knows how much he means to me. We aren't just lovers and partners- we are best friends, companions. We can tell each other anything with out fear of judgement or over reaction.He is my king. I am his queen. He is truly the love of my life and I am his, and we can't wait to start our own family, after a bit of this drama with his ex dies down. Obviously we truly love each other. I never was just 'some chick' that he simply lusted after. He courted me and wooed me from the beginning, and we truly care about one another- so why is she acting like I sought him out and Seduced him!!!The divorce isn't finalized yet, and that does kind of eat at me a little, but I don't let it get to me- I just remind myself that the only thing that matters is that we love each other more than anything and that I just need to support him the best that I can while he deals with this crazy b***h.I know she'll always be apart of our lives because they share a child together, and that doesn't bother me- I know that he will always feel some level of love for her, simply because she is the mother of his child. And he adores his son which I think is the most amazing thing- but this woman is psycho.I feel sorry for her, but honestly- who can she blame but herself? She had 9 years to make him happy and to make it work, and she failed miserably. Are you telling me that I wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with him just because he's been married before and has a child from a previous relationship? Why would I judge a man for having kids? Why can't she just be happy for him? She's like 30+ years old- And at least 10 years older than me! You would think she'd be the more mature one, but she acts like she's in high school (throwing fits and stuff). I wish she would just disappear completely. They have no reason to communicate except when it comes to his son. She needs to get a life and move on and quit saying tha im stealing her life from her.He says he definitely wants more kids and we joke about how gorgeous our kids together will be. He's a wonderful daddy already and I can't wait for him to be the father of my children. People get divorced all the time, people remarry all the time. Some marriages don't work out because the two people just aren't right for each other in the end. Or maybe they were right for you in the beginning, but things start changing, you change, he changes. You stop truly appreciating one another- then its bound to break. I don't understand why she can't just be civil with me. She immediately started pointing fingers when she should have been looking at herself. She is half of the problem and he is half of the problem. He's the one who left, she's the one who failed to fulfill him (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually). It has nothing to do with me. He just got lucky enough to meet someone who does thrive on his level- who does fulfill him. Not everyone is lucky enough to find what we have- especially not the second or thrid time around- so I'm very grateful that everything has led him and I to the moment that we first met and that we're lucky enough to have such a wondeful, balanced and mutual relationshiop founded on nothing but love, and that is something I refuse to apologize for.I'll just never understand some of these simple-minded women though. No matter how hard I try.Anyway- I just want to hear some of ya'll's thoughts on the matter. Whether you've been an ex. A mistress. A second wife. The husband. The child. An outsider. A parent. Whatever.I want to hear everyone's input. Whether your situation was the exact same as mine, or even if you've never been in this situation.
View related questions:
at work, best friend, divorce, his ex, insecure, mistress, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): i shake my head in wonder and DISBELIEF when i read your update. remember he was cheating on her with you, he is married and he conveniently did not tell you. what else didn't he tell you. you want to believe the worse of his wife but babes you have a cheater in your bed. only a matter of time before he does it to you as well. at least his wife had the decency to tell you he is married. ....and which decent father introduces his kid to his new lover while being married?? so much for decency. babes you will learn the hard way, but please don ot take my word for it. the mistress always thinks she is above and better than the wife...........until it is done to her. so deny all you want and justify all you want - the enemy is not your lovers wife, it is your lover himself. for someone who perceives to be with it and in touch with reality i pity you....really i do. three guesses how this will end.
A
female
reader, onlyhaveeyesforyou +, writes (23 June 2010):
onlyhaveeyesforyou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, guess I need to clarify a few thing (a few false assumptions lol)
- I never said that he speaks ill of her to me or that I speak ill of her or to her. Obviously being in a relationship together, we are going to have discussed events in our lives. She was a big part in his life (I never denied that- nor do I have a problem with it)- so obviously she's going to be a topic that comes up. He doesn't speak ill of her. He's spoken of their good moments and their bad moments and admits his part that he played in the problems that they had. I never claimed otherwise
- in response to one of your questions- she was not a part of his life when I entered the picture- this is not (contrary to what some of you are claiming)- based on a lie he's told me. He has an apartment in my city (he lives out here)- she lives hours away. He picks up his kids and brings them back home with him. He hasn't lived with her for months way before I met him, and now that we are together, he is with me EVERYday. So they were very definitely SEPARATED- except that piece of paper. But he showed me the papers that they filed TOGETHER for divorce- so yeah... that works for me
-I would never come between him and his children. I admire the relationship that he has with them- and if things with her got so crazy that he did have to choose between them and me, I would expect nothing less than for him to make them his very first priority- and I would respect that.
Let's see... what else do I need to address...
I've never said a single inappropriate word to this woman. Her son told her that he met 'daddy's girlfriend' and that's how she found out- flipped out and started trying to contact me. I DO remain civil, keep my distance, and contact her for no reason. I've answered every question she's asked me- and so has he- we have no reason to hide anything from her. She has a boyfriend as well- so this isn't some jilted, wife (it's not like he sees me and goes back to her each night after work). We practically live together, and she is seeing other people as well (maybe I should have stated that from the beginning...)
I think those are some of the main issues that were raised. I'll update again if more come to mind.
I do appreciate everyone's opinion though.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Damn! Arrogant much?
I'm sure your boyfriend enjoys throwing his younger girlfriend in his soon-to-be ex-wife's face. Have you considered how he may be contributing to her attacks against you? You outline his wife's faults at length, but gloss over how he may have contributed to the downfall of his marriage. The fact that much of your post is devoted to discussing the ways in which you are superior to his wife suggests that you aren't nearly as confident as you claim. If you were, you wouldn't feel the need to draw comparisons.
You're tearing her to pieces to make yourself seem like the better option. Why? Are you afraid that he may go back to her? They have a child, and a home, and a history together--things you don't have with him--so it's natural that you may feel a bit threatened. As "psycho" as she may be, she has the upper hand in this situation. Ultimately, it could be you that ends up alone in this mess and I think you are more aware of this fact than you're admitting.
For the record, I don't think you're to blame for the demise of their marriage. I do think you're being a bit presumptuous about your role in his life--you're the transitional relationship, after all. Instead of worrying about blame, enjoy your relationship for what it is and keep the ex-wife's name out of your mouth.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 June 2010):
Well be very careful when you say you won't take blame, and be very careful what you say and when you say it to this woman. Because there is one thing she can do, and that's claim that you're a bad influence on her son, and she can get full custody of him. It's true that the failure can't be blamed on anyone but them, but you are still the woman who didn't leave the married man alone. And he didn't do it to protect you. If you hadn't found out, he would still be married. But tread carefully, because you can be sure the court will take your attitude towards her into account and his attitude into account when they consider who gets custody of the child. And if they think you're a bad influence, or that you and your husband are bad mouthing her, they'll clean him out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Hi, I haven't been in your situation before, but my take on it (from what you've written) is that despite the separation, she felt they would still be together in the future. Separation is not, in my eyes, divorce; it is a lot less final than that and she probably felt things could still be worked out between them. This is reinforced by the information you gave in your followup, that they had been constantly on-again-off-again - i hate those types of relationships, because they fool people into thinking that despite separations, they will still end up together, even though the vast evidence to the contrary is that they don't work as a couple.
Thats my explanation for why she might blame you for the breakup, but to clarify I don't think you are responsible. I probably would have made him finalise the divorce before carrying on the relationship, as a symbol of respect for their marriage, but I don't think you did anything heinous by being satisfied by the separation. What you are doing wrong now is judging her character - stop giving reasons why you are better for him than she was, and just accept that for whatever reason she feels she needs to be angry with you right now. She will find peace with you in time - at the moment she is just grieving over the loss of her marriage. As for her cheating, you have openly admitted your boyfriend did too, so they are both equally in the wrong and you have no right to keep bringing it up. And regarding her not putting effort into her appearance, I think mothers who are with men who profess to love them and are kept busy looking after children can be forgiven for not caking their faces in makeup every morning or going to the gym daily to keep their man; 10 years into a marriage, appearance doesnt have the same importance as it does in the beginning of the relationship. If he was willing to leave her because of her appearance, that speaks volumes about his character, and it doesnt make her any less of a good partner than you are. I think you would endear yourself to her greatly if you stopped comparing your relationship with him to hers, and conjuring up reasons for him being more satisfied with you.
I realise its hard because you feel like she has no justification for her feelings towards you, but I honestly believe time is a healer - at the moment, in the middle of her divorce, she needs to direct her anger somewhere. As the other woman, it is easiest to direct it at you (even though that may not be objectively true). Once she's had time to adjust, things will cool off. She may also be feeling threatened because if you and your boyfriend become serious, you will be playing a greater role in her childs life, so make sure you are respectful regarding that issue.
Good luck, I hope I've offered you some food for thought!
...............................
A
female
reader, romany +, writes (22 June 2010):
 oooh get you, You have definately put yourself on a pedestal on here, and it seems you haven't put any importance on her as being part of your b/f's life for 10 years. You have no sense of reality here, you've made this romance into a mills and boon book, smell the coffee ffs.You are no better than she was 10 years ago, when he wed her, he loved her, she was his soul mate, all the things he has said to you, he has said to her, they made a child together, he took on her child from a previous relationship, and sex was probably amazing for them too.As for you repeating that you are younger, that makes no odds, what women lack in youth, they gain in confidence, wisdom and experience, so dont think you win thru age either. Its not a competition, so why you feel you must make points to be the better one, is beyond me.Saying all this tho, i dont think you've done anything wrong by being with him, his decision to end the marriage was already made, however, rather than attempting to be superior to her, try and be understanding, her world has fallen apart, and no amount of time that had elapsed from him leaving to becoming seriously involved with someone else, would have made a difference to her, as she would have still hoped that he would come back, AS SHE WAS HIS WORLD once, and she still wants to be.I dont know how old you are, but you really have to grow up a bit and be more compassionate to her loss, you say you feel sorry for her, she dont want your pity, compassion is something you can do tho, remember you are the one entering her world, her sons world, she dont owe you anything.Just bite your tongue, support your boyfriend, and stop looking down your nose at her, she is fighting for her sons life, all her past, all her future has ben thrown into complete turmoil, whether it was down to you or not, in her eyes, you are the one who is standing in the way of rectifying it now, altho he is the one who is choosing this new life, but you dont know her, only know of her, and lets face it, he could tell you she was a 3 eyed swamp monster once upon time but plastic surgery sorted her and your so loved up you'd believe him.Leave the comparisons out, and stop trying to justify what is happening, your with a married man till the divorce is finalised, so accept your gonna be tarred, maybe even feathered.
...............................
A
female
reader, onlyhaveeyesforyou +, writes (22 June 2010):
onlyhaveeyesforyou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your comment- I want to hear honest opinions- no matter how vastly they contrast to my own.In response:I honestly don't find myself guilty at all. They were separated before I came into the picture, and I told him we were over unless he could prove that they were separated. Which he did prove. Promptly.I forgave him for the lie- the only time he has ever lied to me- because I believed him when he said he was doing it to shield me. The entire span of their relationship has been on again-off again for years before I came around.And, I guess my post sounds a little more harsh than I intended- I honestly do feel bad for her and what she's going through- and I honestly have thought about how she must feel to be going through it- but it doesn't change the fact that she has no reason to blame me for all of her problems.My attitude towards her is the way it is because of the way she has treated me from the beginning. I call her simple minded not because she is the ex- but because of the way she behaves. Besides, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who I wasn't 100% happy with or who wasn't 100% happy with me. If he does end up leaving me later on- and finds someone who makes him happier- then yes it will kill me- but im not going to blame the other woman! I would blame him for not communicating the issue with me and/or I would blame myself for either not seeing the issue to begin with or not being able to fix the issue. If we got to the point where our communication was that insufficient, then that means something's wrong between us- having nothing to do with any outside party.I have never tried to throw anything in her face. She contacted me from the beginning- which it was really none of her business if he was dating someone else seeing that they had already filed for a divorce before he met me. I can only imagine how she feels or how anyone feels when going through a major breakup or divorce- but the truth of the matter is- she has no right to blame me. He decided to get on with his life and move on- she can't be mad at him for that. She should be glad that he was such a wonderful man to have tried to work it out as much as he did (even after she cheated on him while he was overseas)- he really did try to make it work- and came back after he separated from her a couple years ago- but if it can't be fixed it can't be fixed. All she wants to do is argue about everything and boss him around. What person would want to deal with that? Man or woman. No one likes a nag.How can she be mad at him for making his own happiness a priority. It's not like he's abandoning his son. They still have a wonderful relationship together. It's probably not a good environment for a child anyways if there's constant tension and fighting. She wasn't willing to change when he suggested counseling, so really in the end- she's just as much at fault as he is. If not more so.I refuse to take any of the blame whatsoever. And he refuses to allow me to be blamed. If something fails (anything at all- grades, games, relationships) it's because either you didn't try hard enough, you just weren't good enough, or not enough heart was in it.No matter how you look at it- the failure of their marriage can not be blamed on anyone but the two of them.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 June 2010):
I'm an outsider. Not divorced or anything like that. First up, it's easier to blame you than the husband. And let's be fair, it's not like you stopped the affair when you found out he was married. You didn't suddenly say that you had to stop it because he was a liar and a cheat. And you would do exactly the same thing if you found out he was cheating on you. She's not simple minded. She's the poor wife who's husband has been lying and cheating. And you're the other woman who didn't turn away and run when you found out he was married. That's why she's angry. You're as guilty as he is. Your own attitude towards her really is shocking to be fair. I know you don't want to hear that, but it is. Not once have you looked at this from her point of view. Instead, you've made her out to be simple minded and hateful. God help you if he cheats on you, which is highly likely (he cheated at least twice), because you're going to be the one who takes it even worse. I really hope it works out for you, I really do. But you sit there bad mouthing her, claiming he was settling, claiming you are more than her, claiming that he's happy. So try to stop bad mouthing her as well, because you degrade yourself and make yourself look even worse. That's why she's this way. You've walked in, and not shown one little shred of compassion or care for the fact that she has been wronged. Every ex wife would feel the same way. And an ex husband would too.
...............................
|
