A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Male advice on this one please or wise women... Xxx Please help so I can just understand my feelings a little better. I am really very confused right now. Ok, this man age 31 that I have been seeing for the last 2 and half years has always had this big dream of moving overseas, starting a business and all that stuff. I know he does not really like south africa as much as he used to, cause of change and all that. He was married 4 years ago for 2 years, his ex wife left for another man. I know that can kill anyone badly. Although I just feel sometimes I'm not doing enough or I'm doing too much, its as if he has so much time on both his businesses and not me. He wants to retire at the age of 40 with a high enough pay rate and a good house. Hes going overseas next month for 3 months, I don't know what to expect or what will happen, I understand we are all selves.. I do love him a lot but I just don't know what to do about not having him here. Am I not trusting him or is this just using me and I need to wake up and move on. I do say that he just wants to see me make a success of my life with or without him.. I'm confused!!
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 "We did speak about our relationship and he said that if I don't feel comfortable with him I'm free to go, it's my choice." When I read this I think about a person who knows what he has to offer may not be entirely all the other partner wants, and he also won't negociate it: take it or leave it, you are free to go. An interesting approach... You are going to have to asses if all that displeases you is a big deal or not, I assume you look around and hear from your friends who have similar age relationships and you notice differences, there can be differences specific to the age gap and ones specific to what you two can offer in general as people with certain views and preferences, priorities, etc. It's not great if you're left wondering. When you need more certainty, ask for it, figure out if he will be happy to stay in this situation forever and specify exactly what aspects you wish to change about it, after you have done some thinking enough to make some clear points. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! Well the last time he went last year december,for 3 weeks, I was hinting I wanted a blackberry so he got me one before he went and said this is so that we can chat well I'm gone.. Mail and skype is what we used last time, and he actually did miss me a lot last year it was like he mailed me every day more then 2 even made a few phone calls just say hi. I have told him I have strong feelings for more then what I have had for anyone.. I can have many friends but there is always just one special person that is 'better' then the rest to me. We did speak about our relationship and he said that if I don't feel comfortable with him I'm free to go, its my choice. I don't want to go at all, he knows exactly how to handle me and knows my needs. People don't like him because his a very straight forward person, which I really like about him, so if it feels as if I'm not sure about something it bothers a lot until its 100% right and he helps by making that 100%, showing what's wrong with well whatever really. He did say that, I do understand, he has said that he wants what's best for me no matter what, but independent and to stand on my own feet when his no longer here (death)..the using part well I'm not sure about that either... I think his just been really hurt by his ex wife and I don't blame him for not being sure of me.. Work is his number one, although he has said I'm at the top of his list, work I just think its because he comes from a poor family and his success comes from hard work and he does not want to lose that right now.. We are together yes, also because of a religion background it just feels better. I'm 20 yes, so age could be bothering me but I like older men because guys my own age are like childish in a way I grow up to fast to quickly.. Yes he does we go out as much as possible he takes me with to clients and so. His friends yes he does that too. His a part time mechanic for a super bike
national rider and I go with over weekends and so.. What he says and does are the same thing.. He has told me a lot of times he really does like me a lot, even if it hard for him to love again. And in time we have been together I have put back some of the broken pieces of his heart... I have been working for the last 4 years and I actually worked with his younger sister that's how we met.. Thanks for your help.. Xxx
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (22 June 2010):
You don't know what to expect. Why don't you discuss how you will keep in touch while he is away, then? Does he know you love him? Naturally if he isn't as involved or sure about the relationship he should tell you so and give you possibility to choose. If you don't feel confident about your relationship, you might as well talk to him about this, after two years you have the right to know where he sees this heading, maybe revisit some of the rulings or habits you have that don't suit you. Normally people see relationships differently in different stages of their lives. But if there is genuine interest it should always show, and yes, you should, with or without him, be a successful and accomplished person, did he tell you that? I like the sounds of it. It can also suggest he isn't sure you will always be together. But no relationship is 100% safe and dry after all. Is he using you? I can't tell you that because we don't know him. It does seem work is his priority. Are you officially together? Does he hint the age difference is too much? Ever make plans with you? Introduce you to his friends? Don't be afraid to ask and clear your doubts. 2 years forward, you should be able to have a nice chat. Hopefully his actions are consistent with what he has to say. Best of luck. My opinion is the age gap is quite significant in your case since you probably haven't yet finished school and don't have a stable job. Also, if you fear speaking to him about this, you probably have your reasons so prepare yourself. May not like what he says.
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