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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid I was once in love with my Ex we went our own ways because he turned out to be very abusive mentally and physicallyI left him.As time went on I ran into another guy who treated me like a queen everyday of my life then he turned out to be the same way as the first guy.Now that I have moved on I am terrified to get in another relationship.That's why I have been single for 11 years. Who knows, the next man may try to hurt me?My heart has been broken so much, now I just prefer to be by myself.Why do abusive men see me as a target to be mistreated?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (10 November 2013):
Dear OP,
You met two abusive men in your life. To me, this sounds like it could be a pattern.. but actually, it could also be just an unlucky coincidence.
I found out for myself that I attract very weird guys. Like, the kind of guys that would start to stalk you for years. Now, I can't stop to attract them all of a sudden, cause there are some mechanisms I can't control. But what I CAN control is how I react to them once I see what's going on.
In my earlier years I always stayed polite, gave out my full name and everything, made excuses for not being able to have a date.. Now, I can be very direct and say "sorry, I don't ever want you to contact me again, I have no interest in you".
And so, what I'd say to you.. maybe you attract some abusive men, or you feel some subconscious attraction towards them.. but I am sure there's a range of guys that you attract. I mean, maybe among all those guys you attract, even if 90% of them were abusive assholes, that means 10% were not and maybe they just got overlooked. The art is that you run away or set boundaries as soon as you realize "ok, that's THIS kind of guy again" and that you're curious and patient enough to find that rare guy that is okay. If you don't let an abusive man stay in your life, you're too busy to see that you got other choices.
I may be oversimplifying things here, sure. But I want to say don't lose hope. The past doesn't have to determine your future and if you keep telling yourself there's some kind of spell that only makes you end up in the same pattern, then I believe that's not true. We all can learn and change to a certain degree.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Many women who get involved in one abusive relationship have a tendency to get involved in many abusive relationships. Without realizing it, it is a type of man you're attracted to. They probably have similar traits and mannerisms that you're initially drawn to right off the bat. What traits are those? Try to reflect on that and see if you can't figure it out. Then you'll know what to stay away from.
Also, abusive men are experts at picking out certain types of women. Just like how you're drawn to their "type", they are drawn to yours. So you inadvertently find each other even though it feels completely unintentional. But there most likely is something you're exuding to these men that makes them sniff you out.
You say you've been single for 11 years. In that span of time, have you ever done a good bit if introspection to what may have caused you to perpetually be attracted to these types of men? What were your parents relationship like? Often times what we see from our own families is how we learn to behave and act in our own relationships. It's a form of modeling behavior. If your parents had an unhealthy dynamic, you probably will as well, until you can sort it all out yourself. But that takes a lot of work.
Have you gone to any therapy to deal with the scars left behind from being in these abusive relationships?
Basically, it's good you took time away for yourself, but if you haven't learned anything in that span of time that will help you in pursuing a new relationship, you may find yourself falling back into old habits on accident.
I wish you the best of luck. you deserve to be happy. Take time and figure out what that means to you and try dating a man you typically wouldn't. That may be just what you need, as he may not be just like the others.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): Everyone attracts good and bad people alike, that's not the issue. The problem is you don't discard the bad ones when you see the signs. It all comes down to lack of boundaries and lack of self respect. If you have solid boundaries and respect yourself, you won't have the tolerance for abusers when the signs start. Most abusers come on strong and if you are lonely, needy, too trusting then you'll jump into relationships without any caution.
Usually having sex too early will turn off the good ones and send up neediness signals to the abusive ones, who will see you as target practice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): Most people have a set criteria for the type of people we are attracted to. Often, when a relationship doesn't work out with someone who initially met this criteria; people search for someone else who fits the same mold. Often there is emotional scarring that dooms an abused person to seek another abuser; because they've been conditioned to believe they are unworthy of anything better, and deserve abuse. It is embedded in their psyche that they're stupid or damaged; and an abuser is the only one who can set them straight. Often they were abused as children. Excessively punished, or bullied.Subconsciously; victims of abusive relationships haven't really gotten over their ex. They actually find a copy of their abuser. They are trying to rewrite history. The new person may even be a lookalike,talk-like; or have certain similar physical characteristics.There is a certain trait you are attracted to in a man. I'm going to speculate that you are needy and require an aggressive type to make you feel safe and protected. To make you feel desirable as a woman.Some women have a distorted perception of what masculinity is. Often it is based on a totally imaginary figure. Absentee-fathers and no male-participation in a girl's upbringing; or her mother's bad choices, deprive girls of a healthy understanding of how men should behave and treat women. All they ever see, is men going in and out of their lives.Usually, it is their fathers; or a significant male figure in their lives. If he was brutal, macho, and aggressive; this was the only role model of a male they have. They often seek these types.You have to introspect, and first find out who you are. Too often all the blame is put on the guy. If you make the same mistakes over and over; then figure out what it is in you, that compels you to make these choices in men. You have to be secure and have your own inner-strength. You can't fall for a lot of smooth-talking nonsense and flattery. You can't let your mature age be a factor that forces you to just accept any guy who gives you attention for more than five minutes. Low self-esteem and a need for validation from men is often the reason women settle for the wrong kind of guy.Desperation is the biggest factor of them all. We all hate being alone. Someone comes along, and that need to cure loneliness; will make you overlook red-flags, dismiss obvious flaws, and bypass judgement or reason altogether. Then you wake-up out of a haze to discover the mess you've made for yourself. They aren't what you deluded yourself to believe that person to be.I always suggest to women who are victims of abuse, to join a women's support-group. There is usually a specialized counselor, and a group of women who share common experiences. You get to hear their stories, ask them questions, and get their individual support. You bond and draw strength from other women who have walked in your shoes.You can step back, and look at yourself from the outside. They are reflections of yourself, and the picture becomes clearer. They offer you advice from a perspective that you can relate to. They will be your shoulder to cry on, while you heal; and tweak those personal flaws that have sentenced you repeated failure in future relationships.You have to actually see yourself in someone else; before you recognize what it is in you that draws you to men that may abuse you.With all my heart, I hope you find the right kind of guy; but you discover who you are first. You must increase your self-awareness and rebuild your self-confidence; in order not to seek the strength in other people to complete you.Please go online to find your local organizations for Victims of Domestic Abuse. They can sign you up. I assume you're in the United States. They are available throughout the U.S. and Canada, and the UK.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 November 2013):
 There is nothing wrong with staying single and if you prefer it then perhaps that is lifes way of telling you that you should remain that way.
Abusive men tend to choose women who lack self esteem, because those women are easier to overpower and manipulate.
Building your self esteem might be achieved by doing other things with your time, working on your self, your body, your image and expanding your mind by learning and researching things that interest you...that said, some people may never shake off their own self doubts and that makes them make bad choices, especially when it comes to partners.
Not every man is bad, the majority are just normal run of the mill guys who have as many fears and worries as women do...they are just better at hiding them.
Approach your life in a different way, think about making friends and connecting just for the pleasure of getting to know folk and take your time, without focussing solely on the fear of meeting someone who may abuse or hurt you.
Abusive men probably do see you as a target because you allow your fear and neediness to show and it leads you to make poor choices.
Do not let your life be spoilt by negativity, just be a little smarter, take a little more time before you rush in and focus more on what you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): "Why do abusive men see me as a target to be mistreated?"
Because abusive men tend to use certain tactics on unsuspecting women, such as "treating [them] like a queen," in order to lure them in by preying on both their vulnerability and vanity, and you apparently fit the profile of the type who tends to fall into abusive relationships.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2013):
 I'm not sure if YOU attract them or if you are attracted to them. BIG difference.
We all have a "type" of person that we are attracted to and maybe because of past abuse you are attracted to men who are abusive?
Did you grow up with abusive men in your life? Was it a norm?
I DO think that people who are abusive, domineering, controlling "go" for a certain type - one that either is oblivious to early warming signs or one who allows the first minor issues. Someone who is sweet, polite and easy to manipulate. Just like a mugger on the streets. They don't go for the big guy in the leather coat or the woman who looks like she has a black belt. Abusive people are like predators.
It can also be WHERE you met these guys. Did you met them in bar-setting for instance? Or through friends? Internet dating?
And I don't blame you, I would be scared of going through anything like that ever again.
Is there anything you can do? Well, I would recommend you read : "The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker"
Also Women's Center for Domestic Violence keep a list of "red flags" that you may not be aware of, so I would consider giving them a call and get a copy.
I would also consider finding a professional domestic abuse counselor, it might help you find what it is you can strengthen in yourself to avoid these men.
And always GO SLOW, take your time getting to know someone. Get to know their family, friends, co-workers and never let them isolate you. Let them met your family, friends and co-workers, listen to what they think of him.
No one should be "doomed" to being on their own because there are some bad people out there.
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