A
female
age
51-59,
*iccaWoman
writes:I have fallen very much in love but I suppose I am asking you amazing love experts for a spot of reassurance.I have endured many abusive relationships but I never gave up hope of finding the right one for me. He came along when I wasn't expecting it (I'd just left my emotionally manipulative husband and was still finding my feet).I suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia but am very strong emotionally and manage my 'conditions' very well. I try my hardest not to rely on anyone as that is what went wrong with my last marriage...a co-dependency. So I'm trying to make sure this doesn't happen again.With the man I am seeing, we are head over heels and so all should be okay, but I think I am very much scarred from the past and I almost have a radar that seeks out problems. This is why I am here...to see if these fears are unfounded.He was married for almost 30 years and his wife left him because she felt the grass was greener elsewhere. She is now attempting to fleece him financially and I support him wholeheartedly but it turned out they'd hardly had sex in the last ten years. He makes numerous excuses for this. Could this happen again? (I think he'd gone off his wife but he struggles to admit this). I know I'm a different person and he reassures me...He is good at defending himself. He has these habits...they are very anal. At night, he'll fold all his clothes like they do in shops! If he was wearing a fleece, he'd zip it up, fold it in this amazingly neat fashion, then do the same with his t-shirt, jeans, etc. I've said, why bother? Occasionally throw em on the floor! Not sure he wants to do that! Plus his kitchen cupboards are all very tidy and he has routines. This suggests OCD but he doesn't appear at all distressed by such habits.He and I are different in that he accepts people and would rather walk away from a conflict than fight for what he believes in (most of the time). I have always had the courage of my convictions because my life hasn't been easy.I am trying to gently urge him to be adventurous and more abandoned rather than so routine based! Life is, after all, for living. We need routine sometimes, of course.He also has a 'thing' for rock bands, led by sexy females. He sometimes goes to gigs and gets their autograph and gets his pic taken with them. They are on his wall which I find a little off putting (but not in the bedroom!) I have thought this to be odd too, he is middle aged...like it is some sexual wish fulfillment. Its mostly happened after his ex wife left.Perhaps I am too sensitive and reactive and maybe too critical.I love him and he is very special but because I have been so badly hurt before, I am super cautious. Do I have a right to be?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Of course you have to be supercautious, with this guy or any other guy, coming from a past and a pattern of abusive relationships. You want to make sure you are not going back on the same dysfunctional old track, so a bit- or a lot - of caution is very advisable.
Only, I am not so sure you are looking for the right red flags. In your shoes, I'd pay attention to other signs , like : how he handles stress and manages anger.. if he treats people, women in particular, with respect... if he shows signs of being a liar, or a cheater... if he is honest , responsible, reliable...stuff like that.
As for the rest , is he right one ?- the right one, even if you find him, will never be totally free from flaws. He may be the right one, but he still be a human being, with his quirks, imperfections and flaws. You 'll never be able to tick ALL the boxes.
It all depends which boxes you absolutely can't do without, and the quirks and foibles that you can tolerate and live with, or those who absolutely drive you nuts.
That's highly personal , OP- it totally depends from your own subjective views.
Just to give you an example , OP, my cabinets are tidy too, and as for throwing my clothes on the floor, I could not bring myself to do it were I running out from a house on fire ! Yet ( please take my word for it :) I am not OCD about anything, I am a rather unconventiona thinker, and I had more than my fair share of " adventure " in life. Yet, I like a clean , reasonably neat environment because it makes my life easier and it's way more pleasant to my eyes.
So, what for you is a minus , and a red flag ( very tidy guy ) for other people could be actually a bonus.
Ditto for other stuff, like his liking for female rockers. Iot could be a little ,innocuous , even endearing weakness for some people- and the sign that he is a disgusting old perv for others. I don't think there's a handbook which says how exactly and objectively Mr Right should be.
So, to sum it up, yes be prudent, yes do not dive into this head first, but- watch out for anything that may spell " abusive " including emotionally abusive , and make sure instead that you do not sweat the small stuff.
And be aware that the guy is mature in age, by now set in his ways, and coming from a 30 years marriage- he won't change for you, not sensibly at least. What you see it's exactly what you get. He is how he is now- if you cam live with that or not, that's just up to you to decide.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): You asked if you have a right to be cautious... I would say you would be nuts not to be. He was married for almost 30 years, that is a very long time, and you need to know and accept and be comfortable with the fact that he is a defined individual. By that I mean that while you might see him as needing to loosen up, he almost certainly doesn't view it that way. And since it is not threatening his health or quality of life, why would you want to change him?To me, the fact that you think he needs a bit of changing, is a bad sign... there are sure to be countless other habits you both have developed over the years, you gotta learn to love em or it's going to eventually drive you crazy, not today when you're feeling good and mushy, but on a bad day when all you'll be able to do is think about his annoying habits, including the sexual ones.Are you up to accepting him as he is, or not? If not, what exactly is it about him that you are wanting...
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