A
female
age
41-50,
*hanib
writes:Why did he lead me on and then vanish?I recently met a man who was 51 on a dating site!He was consistent in his chase, then the spooning pics started and on our 4th date he gave all the signals that he was thinking of inviting me to spend the night! He never actually took me out for dinner but met me for coffee, cinema and round his home!All was ok until I told him I had children but he still asked me out for coffee! He sent me a pic of his son and seemed to like me!Leading up to our 5th meet he sent me a message inviting me round his for a body massage! I took this as a sign that he was ready to move things forward! I went and we both massaged each other, he got a little touchy feely!My question is this! Why when he invited me to spend the night, had it on a plate did he not take things further! I felt led on and confused as he'd been the one sending and talking sexual innuendos!I left not really knowing what to think! He was attentive and we shared many kisses but he didn't take it further! Ibe not heard from him since and just wondered why a guy would act so interested and than when he has his chance he doesn't! Even if he wasn't going to plan to see me again! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2015):
 I'd stop wondering, to be honest. There is no way of knowing WHY he chose to not go further and WHY he chose to not contact you again. All WE can do is guess.
1. Why didn't he go further? He might not have been SURE that is what you wanted. He could have sensed your hesitance. He may NOT have wanted to go further with you because he wasn't sure you were someone he wanted to see more off. Or he likes to talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Or he was using it as some kind of litmus test.
2. Why didn't he contact you again? He may have been talking to MULTIPLE women at the same time and found one of the other women a "better" match. He may not have found the chemistry with you he was looking for. OR .. he likes to play games, leave you wanting more.
Move on to another guy. And I agree, don't do "home-dates" in the "get to know you phase" and certainly no "massages" etc. till you KNOW you want to BE with him and HE wants to be with you.
Take it slow, there is no hurry.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 July 2015):
 Also: in a meet up like this your role is not to convince him that you're ''good enough'' for him.
Your role is to determine, by his actions, if he's ''good enough'' for you.
By his actions he's already disqualified himself by not being gentlemanly enough for you. He's left you wondering, hoping.
While it's likely that his outlook is more focused on: if he ever contacts you again that you'll be even keener to impress him.
You need a much more considerate man than this if you're looking for future happiness and not just a short term fling : which it seems, by his actions, that is all he is offering.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 July 2015):
You were being so accommodating towards this man. Men like to feel that they have to put some effort into convincing the girl to do more.
First mistake was letting him get away with no dinner to discuss things. Dinner can be expensive, sometimes, so better to meet first for coffee first and just have a discussion and see how you feel about him. Then set a time to see him again, maybe for a light lunch.
He was not wooing you with a view to a relationship he was seducing you with a view to a Friends with benefits or even just another notch on his belt. And even that was made a little too easy for him.
He did not take things further earlier as he was probably expecting some hesitation or resistance from you and when there was no reluctance you removed the thrill of the chase for him.
Go on some dates, outings, and some meals together and talk to the man about his hopes, dreams, ambitions and where he sees himself in 5 years time before moving on to more intimate activities.
Wind things back so a guy has to do some work to woo you into his life even before he gets to woo you into his web.
This sorts out the fakers and the guys with no ambition except to get into bed with as many women as they can manage.
If you make things so easy for a guy there is no challenge for him. Nice guys expect to have to do some work to convince a woman to become intimate.
He has possibly moved on to someone who makes him work a little harder to get some interest in him going.
If you make it too easy for him at the start he is more likely to label you same and move on.
When I met my second husband I was not ready to consider a relationship after the death of my first husband. I also had my child to consider and no one was getting anywhere with me unless they satisfied some things that were important to me as far as a good man without any hidden nasties.
I also told him I was not interested in hot and heavy phone calls in the evening as my child deserved my attention and care. I was never going to put up with a situation where I had to say to my child, "wait a moment sweetie, Mommy is having a talk with ..."
My child was not introduced to him until I was certain that he ticked all the boxes.
So for 12 months we met for lunch only in a public place. We talked things over. we exchanged books we enjoyed. we shared our histories.
He never complained about my reticence - if a man is impatient for sex before he even knows a whole lot about you then he's not after a relationship he is just after sexual relief.
Want and expect the Best and you are more likely to be treated more respectfully than he treated you.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 July 2015):
Have you considered that he has feelings too? Perhaps it was he who wasn’t ready. Perhaps he thought it would be too soon. Perhaps, that night, a massage meant a massage. Not every man will always take it up when it is, as you say, offered up on a plate. For me, this early on in a relationship I don’t think sex should be on the cards anyway. Think about it another way: it could easily have backfired on him if he’d tried to take it further. You could have said you weren’t ready, been offended and upset. That would have rather ruined the night. I think where you’re going, and what you’re both ready for, is something you’re going to have to talk about. He’s either not ready, or enough of a gentleman not to presume you are. Find out. Perhaps you thought you’d made it clear, but maybe you didn’t.
I wish you all the very best.
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