A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Opinions please...My son is ten and it's been me and him on our own since he was a baby. He is very much a mummies boy and we have a great relationship. I have been in a relationship with an older man for several years on and off. He doesn't live with us but visits often and stays over frequently.The thing is he says my relationship with my son is abnormal and boarder line incestous? He makes remarks such as 'get a room you pair!' I know he is joking when he says this but it makes me wonder if I need to create more of a line between my son and me?We cuddle up on the couch and he still kisses me on the mouth before bed and going to school. He gives me hugs several times a day and tells me he loves me none stop, I'm the same towards my son because it's always been just me and him and this is how it's always been. With him being my only child, I am sensitive when it comes to my son, if he gets upset in school, i am straight through the gates demanding to know why etc and this has rubbed off on my son: he too is very sensitive, he takes a lot to heart and relies on me a hell of a lot. My boyfriend says this too is an issue as I refuse to let my son grow up and develop a thicker skin.Anybody able to tell me does my boyfriend have a point? Am I smothering my child?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (9 July 2015):
I think your boyfriend is absolutely wrong and possibly a bit jealous. Your son is only 10, he will become less inclined to kiss you on the mouth in a couple of years time which will be natural as he becomes a teenager but for now he is a child and what is wrong with being loving and affectionate towards each other? You may be a little overprotective by rushing to the school when any incident happens (forgive me if I am wrong) but your intentions are all good and you take your responsibility seriously as a parent.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 July 2015):
 He has a point...Too much affection is boarderline weird at the least. A sinmple hug at bedtime is enough
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (7 July 2015):
I think we're missing a key piece of information here - how old is your son?
If he's 6, then it all sounds perfectly normal and possibly it's just a different view on parenting styles. If your son is 12 or over - then maybe your boyfriend has a point.
There is such a thing as emotional incest (and I suggest you Google the term to learn a bit more about it because there must be better explanations out there than the one I'm about to give)
Emotional incest occurs when a care-giver and a child have an abnormally close relationship with each other to the detriment of other relationships. They rely on each other for happiness, comfort, security, fulfilment etc.
Now, it's normal for a child to rely on the care-giver for these things but not the other way round because it's way too much for a child to be/feel responsible for an adults well-being.
But in some child/care-giver relationships, these boundaries become very woolly and the care-giver (sometimes inadvertently) uses the child to fulfil their needs for love, support and companionship instead of looking for another adult to fulfil them. For example, they might discuss money troubles or relationship problems with the child rather than a family member or a friend.
A book called "Daddy's Little Princess" by Cathy Glass gives an easy-read account of a case of emotional incest. In this book the father/daughter dynamic meant that neither of them were able to make or maintain any meaningful relationships outside of the relationship they had with each other. The daughter, although popular at school, was never permitted to have friends over or visit friends at their homes, go to birthday parties or join in with school trips. The father wanted her to spend all her free time with him - basically, he was petrified that his little girl would think "life with other people" was more fun and leave him - just like his wife had done. In return, the father was unable to maintain a relationship with any new girlfriends as his daughter would quickly see them off with rude and demanding behaviour which her father always indulged. She saw her fathers girlfriends as "competition" who were after her role as her fathers companion. She felt responsible for her fathers happiness and felt that she was the only person who could possibly fulfil that. They clearly loved each other very much but both were miserable.
Do you have family or other friends you could ask who would be able to give you better feedback about your parenting style? It's really difficult for strangers on the internet to judge.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 July 2015):
It’s lovely that there is such warmth, closeness and affection in your relationship with your son. I tell my parents I love them at 25, not non-stop by any means, but I do. You have obviously been everything to this boy, and he means everything to you. It’s unkind of your boyfriend to joke that it’s bordering on incestuous, it isn’t. Perhaps he doesn’t know how to describe it or advise but he knows something’s not right.
It sounds very much to me as though your son has been your rock and comfort, and you have been everything he needs, and what your boyfriend is describing is a degree of dependence between you both that is perhaps hindering your son’s development as you are prioritising pleasing him over doing what’s best for him to grow as a person and be equipped to deal with life’s ups and downs. I think you’re frightened of him being upset, dealing with things that are difficult and, perhaps, needing you less immediately in managing his life. Instead of marching through the gates when he’s upset at school, you should be talking to him about what happened and encouraging him to think about what he should do, how he should react and how he will himself handle the situation with your support.
Are you doing anything to encourage him to form close bonds with others? Does he have friends round the house? Does he go and play at others’ houses? Does he spend time with other family members away from you?
This is less about drawing a line, for you can’t draw a line out of nothing. You can’t remove yourself in part from his life without replacing it somehow. Instead, that line will draw itself when you support and encourage rather than wade in and take over, and when you help him form healthy bonds with others too. I think your boyfriend is probably very well meaning and would welcome you sharing your feelings about this and letting him support you, because it will be tough. It is so hard for a parent to let go, but I think he is gently encouraging you to do so a bit. Best to do it gradually, rather than wait until he’s 15 and suddenly he doesn’t want to hang around with his mother anymore.
I wish you all the very best.
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