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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My sister is in her mid-30s and is married. We aren't super close due to our age difference, but we still talk and hang out. She called today and I answered the phone. She said that she was just calling to say hi and talked about her day. Then I passed the phone to my mom and my sister told her she is pregnant! She didn't tell me when I talked to her! I'm a little shocked because my sister never wanted kids- he husband would always check to see if she took her birth control pill, but I guess they have been trying since last fall! I'm happy for them, but I just don't know why she didn't say anything to me first. I'm not some sort of blabber mouth or anything. Or she could have told my mom and I on the phone together. Again, I'm happy for her but a little hurt that she didn't tell me. Am I overreacting here? Or do I have the right to feel a little hurt? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 @ Female reader anon , with all due respect , and the least possible harshness , the OP 's reaction is just as " normal and natural " as a kid brother who sulks because he does not get to take the bride to the altar. He does not , because that privilege , normally and generally, BELONGS to the bride's father. Again, risking to be boring and repetitive, of course it's not like there is a law, you don't go in jail for choosing differently : it's just the way things are done in general. But a total ,blind obliviousness of current social codes, as well as the reluctance to step aside and leave to mom ( or dad in the case of the bride ) this nice, gentle , affectionate sign of distinction and respect - well , how " normal and natural " they are ,it's at least opinable.
As for the harshness , and your invitation to be " nicer " I guess, sure OP, how to dismiss such a sensible and sensitive concern. Let's all be considerate and respectful : starting from you , anon. It's not Ok to judge the OPs... but it is Ok to judge the Aunts ?? And trying to teach them HOW to answer ?... There are strict guidelines on this site, anon, and the answers which don't fit them aren't published. There are excellent Moderators with the specific task to read , evaluate , modify every single answer- and eliminate anything that could be seen as inappropriate , and they are very attentive, and surely not shy, in performing this task. Keeping that in mind - if you personally prefer to adopt another way, or style, or language to respond , you are absolutely free to do it - please be content with that, and let other people respond as they see fit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): What on earth is going on on this website these days? I've read several posts now where people try to point out that they feel very negatively judged by the respondents and I myself come across so many where respondents are just SO harsh on the people who write in! I don't think that OP is being childish or selfish or anything else. She's just having a normal reaction to her sister not telling her that she was pregnant and then telling their Mum a few seconds later. I'd feel exactly the same. A little thing like that can cast some doubt on how close you really are to a member of family, whether there is trust between you. I'd find it hurtful too. Why didn't the big sister just say something like, "okay, don't scream out loud or show any responses because I want to surprise Mum but go and get her and both of you stand by the 'phone" and then just tell both of them. Obviously the answer is that the elder sister felt a duty to tell her Mum first and was worried that if she told the OP she might inadvertently 'let slip' that some really big news was on its way in the next few seconds - even if she'd said "Oh Wow" or yelped or somethiing then the elder sister might have felt like she betrayed the Mum by not telling her first.Yeah, the elder sister could've thought it through a bit more carefully but being pregnant for the first time she's probably too excited and nervous to think it all through. Families are insensitive to each other in small ways all the time and this is one of them. The OP is just having a normal and healthy reaction to what happened and is just asking us how to process it in the best way. Stop being so harsh on her please!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 March 2014):
Take heart OP. 99% chance that , even if you and your sister had been much closer , she still would have WAITED to talk to your mom for letting HER be the first to know. It's just a matter of pecking order and how things are generally done in most households everywhere. Of course , again, it's not exactly mandatory, if someone prefers to tell other people before mom that's Ok too I guess. But , in lack of a specific reason for acting differently, how your sister chose to handle it, it is just the usual ,normal and appropriate way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@celtic_tiger, I am very happy for her. I didn't "rain on her parade" at all. I didn't say anything to anyone about how I feel, except here. I am happy for her and yet nervous because it still is very early and too soon to tell about things. Yes, it seems like I am making this about me when it isn't, but I am just surprised and still trying to digest the news.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 How old are you OP? Because you appear to be having a bit of a childish temper-tantrum about not getting your own way.
This is big news, and your Mother ranks higher than you in the pecking order. Out of respect, she is the first one who deserves to be told that she is going to be a grandparent first.
It has got nothing to do with not being able to confide in you or not trusting you, or not loving you. There are just some things in this world where your Mother comes before your siblings. This is one of them.
Right now you are making this about YOU. Poor you. And with the greatest respect, it isn't. Stop raining on your sisters parade and be happy for her! Have you thought that she wanted it to be a nice surprise for your mother? That she wanted to be the one to tell her the news? Would you have been able to keep it a secret? Would you have been gushing about it on the end of the phone when Mum comes over and says whats all the noise about? How do you imagine your Mum would feel to hear the news second hand? Do you think she would feel cheated of the moment? The bond between mother and child is something that cannot really be described, and right now your sister is probably scared, excited, worried and just needs her mum to be there. She needs the support from a mother.
It appears that you think everything should revolve around you, and that you dislike not being the centre of attention.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares- No, I don't expect her to tell the cleaning lady (if we had one) or the mail man or whomever the first person she saw. I was just surprised because we talked for a little on the phone prior and my sis said nothing about it. We are close enough, so I wish she felt she could confide in me, but maybe I just wish we had a closer relationship. I don't expect her to tell me everything in her life, but this is pretty important news and I wish it was presented in a different way.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 Mom ranks over you in this one. Nothing personal, it's just standard operating procedure.
I'm really tight with my brother, we even lived together on two different occasions (after moving out of home), and we'd discuss anything between heaven and earth, yet my mom was told the news that he was going to be a father several weeks before I was informed. So really, you have absolutely no reason to be upset, you got told just a few moments after even!
I had a friend who found out her sister was pregnant 4 months into the pregnancy, and that's very normal as well, people usually don't tell anyone until then because of the high chance of a miscarriage.
It's not like in movies where everyone flies around and tells everyone at the slightest assumption they might be pregnant...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): It should always be partner first, mother second. Then father, sisters and brothers.
Please don't over react to this. Your sister announced her pregnancy in the same order as the majority of people. Remember, just be happy for her and excited that you will have a precious new addition to your family.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 You tell your partner first, then your mom/dad, THEN your siblings/friends/the world. I think it's pretty much normal.
I think you are overacting a tad by assuming you somehow deserve this knowledge before others.
Just be happy for her and don't make it about you.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 March 2014):
No no OP, Mom first. If there is ONE occasion when it is appropriate for Moms to be first is when you announce a new baby ( well, second, actually - first, you tell your partner ). I was not super close to my mom when I got pregnant, as a matter of fact then our relationship was a litle bit tense- and yet, I loved her and respected her enough to want to give her this nice little thrill and satisfaction to be the first ( OK, second ) to know. A new mom means also a new grandmother which is a big milestone in a woman's life so why not letting her have this special distinction to celebrate :).
Of course I realize that there's no law which says you can't tell first to some other person, but... it's just very common , normal, and traditional . At least, I don't know of anybody who did it differently.
Plus, you say that you are not particularly close to this older sister... if she had been your twin, or if you had been that kind of sisters who are also best buddies, then maybe, your disappointment would be justified.
But as things are, I think your sis acted very normally and appropriately. Hers was a very special info, it's not that she HAD to tell it necessarily to the first who answered the phone ! what if your cleaning lady had answered, was she supposed to be told first , before your mom ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy sister told my mom it was planned and that they have been trying since last fall. My mom said that she was crying when she told her- probably both out of nerves and excitement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): You are both overreacting and justified in feeling hurt. :)
The best solution would have been to tell you both together, but when you're super excited as your sister probably was, you don't think things through.
She picked her mommy to tell first, that makes perfect sense to me. My mommy was the first person I wanted to tell when I found out I would be a mommy too.
Try not to take it so personally, but it's ok to feel a little hurt inside that you weren't the first person she wanted to tell, all feelings are justified.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Are you sure it was planned?
Because it sounds like it wasn't and she probably needed some reassurance from her mother that it would be ok.
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