A
female
age
41-50,
*enus13
writes:Hi I am new and don't even know if I'm in the right forum. I was having an online affair with a MM for a cpl months. He said he was unhappily married and only there for the kids and I could relate because although I am not married I've been with my kids dad for 20 years.. And I am only here for the kids but I have to wait to finish school and get a good job before I officially leave. So we were talking and it was intense and we both had strong feelings. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me someday when we both leave our partners. Well fast forward to the last month my boyfriend found out about us from my phone. He saw the notification go off from the message the MM sent me and things quickly went downhill for me and MM. The night it happened MM became distant and wasn't offering me any emotional support because he was so scared my bf would tell his wife. I was so heartbroken he wouldn't man up and be there for me emotionally at least if not physically- so I got so upset I blocked him for a day and missed him so I unblocked him, he didn't try and get ahold of me at all. I gave him three weeks and finally messged him and he just acted like I was to blame because I was being "mean" well I was scared I was gonna lose my home and my kids , and was upset he wasn't being there for me.. He said he was miserable and "off the wagon" and that he was glad everything worked out on my end - he saw on fb me and my fb were fine and I was still w my kids.. So that was it for that talk the next day I kept questioning him why he was acting like it was my fault and why he was acting so detached.. He ignored all my messages.. I finally got so mad he was ignoring me i messaged his wife and told her everything.. So my Q: is why all of a sudden when 'MY partner found it did he act so distant and detached and like he never cared or like I was no one. He did say that night my bf found out he said- I'd be there in a heartbeat if I wasn't in another country and my kids, etc.. And cancelled his plans w his brother from out of town to be there for me but still was acting so unemotional and indifferent toward me. Why did he act like that and then just detach so quickly and act like I was no one??!!!! I'm so heartbroken he could do that after saying all these I love you's, marriage and all that. What is up with that?? Was he just too scared? And realized he got in too deep.???
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affair, heartbroken, I love you, married man Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2016):
 Um, Anon female...
THE OP - is in a relationship too, a 20 YEAR relationship - so yes she is JUST as much to "blame" for the mess she GOT herself into.
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To OP, I think the reason he "detached" so fast after YOU got found out was because it had been more of a fantasy than reality to him. He still got the HAVE his wife/family and marriage but get the "high" from starting an online fling with you - just like you... got a high from this fling too. You weren't REALLY thinking (neither was he) about ANYONE but yourselves. And that felt good. Something your relationship and his marriage DIDN'T feel like.
People check out of their marriages AND long term relationship and run on auto pilot. Like you, they think they stay for various reasons, the kids, the shared property, social status, family expectations and obligations etc. But in most cases, they STAY because they don't REALLY want their lives to change too much. The y don't WANT to be single, they don't WANT to have to struggle financially and so forth. THEY still GET something out of the marriage/relationship.
And sometimes people don't realize JUST how much they ACTUALLY get out of their marriage till they are about to lose it all.
When YOU got caught by your partner, you MM got scared that this fantasy would turn into a nightmare in with he was no having fun. REALITY hit him right in the face. And he didn't LIKE reality.
It's common behavior for people to cheat to think they will not get caught or have to face the consequences of their actions. Because all they think about is themselves. Not all the people who are AFFECTED too by their actions. Kids, wives, husbands, partners, family, friends....
Maybe you need to consider finding a way to make things work with your partner, leave him or agree to an open relationship instead of cheating.
Cheating NEVER fixes anything, certainly not that gaping hole in your heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2016): Listen, the married man was playing with fire all along.
He accepted any and all responsibility for the outcome the second he began an online affair.
Let's not blame the other woman! It takes two to tango and the married man was a willing dance partner.
He told her he loves her!!!
What woman wouldn't be upset??
If anyone destroyed the marriage it's the married guy, not the other woman!!!
She reacted and behaved like many women would have under the circumstances.
Men should know by now that it's a dangerous game messing with a woman's heart!
Hell hath no fury...........
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 I am not revealing any big secret because it's Venus13 herself that wrote this in her answer to another post on this site.
This OP has an intense craving for male attention which leads her to cheat on her partner. She has been diagnosed with a personality disorder which makes her impulsive. She is currently under treatment.
Her poor impulse control and her OTT actions sound pathological because they ARE.
It's more a mental health issue than a moral one.
OP, I hope that you continue your treatment and that your persistence will bring you positive results soon , help you regain control over your life, and get you to a more balanced perspective about love and relationships.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (18 March 2016):
Wow lady. You are in need of a reality check. Did you really expect to come here and get sympathy for pursuing a married man, then heartlessly taking revenge on a woman who has done nothing to you?
You know who I feel sorry for? His wife and kids. Not you. You are an immature, selfish homewrecker. You need to step back and take a good look at your own behavior. It isn't his fault you didn't cover your tracks well enough and got caught. And let's get this straight - he owes you nothing. People change their minds about being in relationships every day. That is their right as adults. Nobody has the right to demand that someone continue in a relationship that they want out of. Seems he realized how controlling and unstable you are and wanted out.
You created your own mess. You behaved horribly all the way around. If you don't want to be with your boyfriend then you need to end the relationship, period. The pursue someone who is not taken.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2016):
 Actually you wanted to hurt a woman who did nothing to you.
Your revenge didn't hurt him, it hurt an innocent woman and children.
That's what was not cool. BOTH YOU and the cheating lying MM are culpable. IF you don't own your OWN BAD BEHAVIOR, you will have a hard time moving past this.
Were you having this affair for HIM or for yourself? If for him, why would you do it for him? IF for yourself, then why are you unable to accept your role in creating your own heartache?
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A
female
reader, Venus13 +, writes (18 March 2016):
Venus13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot a cool move ??!! Well it's not a cool. move that he broke my heart.. Wow ya everyone is so worried for the d bag.. Of course
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A
female
reader, Venus13 +, writes (18 March 2016):
Venus13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd no I don't think he was gonna leave me for her if I told his wife... I just was so pissed at him it was my revenge. Simple
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2016):
OH sweetie... this is going to hurt you badly but you were just a totally replaceable, interchangeable online fantasy girl that meant NOTHING to him.
You brought back the excited feelings he misses in his marriage and clearly he brought it for you too.
but that's all it was. a hot fantasy.
once it became clear that he might LOSE his real life (his wife and kids) YOU no longer mean anything or are worth the risk.
It's all fun and games till someone gets hurt.
You were hurt so you "ratted him out" to his wife. Not a cool move. You should look at why you did that... WHAT did you THINK would happen? Did you think he would leave her (or she would kick him out) and he would run to you and rescue you from your sad life with a man you don't want to be with?
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A
female
reader, Venus13 +, writes (18 March 2016):
Venus13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionClingy??? Why is it clingy to want emotions support and expect it from someone. Who says they love you...?!!! That is not being "clingy" and I am so sick of women being labeled that just because they deserve... Emotional support if they are going to claim you love someone then be there for them/ just a lending ear at least wtf..?!! I am so sick of women being called "clingy!""""
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A
female
reader, Venus13 +, writes (18 March 2016):
Venus13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe actually did have it conceded we were only talking on fb and he blocked me from his wife after he stopped talking to me .. He must've logged into her fb and blocked me that way so I used a fake account.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2016): Well, it was all fun and fantasy until...
Yes he was scared that his wife would find out - and also because you were getting too clingy.
All he was in for was the thrill and the fantasy.
If you are so unhappy with your BF - split up and let him at least meet someone who he can TRUST!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 The MM was in it for the fantasy, and the thrills. Your boyfriend finding out was a wake up call, he realised what he was risking and tried to pull back, but he was too late because your revenge on his was to call his wife and tell her all.
I suspect that until the bubble burst neither of you had put any thought to the practicalities of moving countries and leaving family and jobs and settled lives behind
I also suspect this was a first for the married man, if he was practised in cheating online he would have covered his tracks better so that there was no way you would be able to call his wife. He seems to have learnt a hard lesson, but I sense that for you there is no remorse, not for cheating in the first place nor for your revengeful actions that has probably caused another woman great hurt.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 March 2016):
I think the question you need to be asking is why are you pursuing a married man while you have a boyfriend, rather than musing over the shortcomings of said married man.
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