A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 year old female with a same age boyfriend, we both are in school and work part time jobs. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. With a 7 month break up 2 years ago. It was a very ugly breakup, which was very hard on both of us. We both come from good families, and our family's love each other. His mom passed unexpectedly a few months ago, I was there right by his side the whole time, as my family was too. He has always had a very short temper that has now gotten worse. Never physically ! And not just on me, he blows up on his dad and sisters as well. His mom spoiled him tremendously, he has no student loans, she bought all his clothes, everything. He has no bills or responsibilities. My parents are great parents, but I do have responsibilities phone and car payment. He has always had to be doing something, whenever someone is going out, whether hunting, playing pool, gym, concert, whatever, he jumps to go. He hardly ever invites me. I'm fine with him having guy time. The problem is for last 4 months (since his mom passed) we have not went out alone at all, except a dinner and a movie. I ask and hint to him all the time, he's "too tired or doesn't have money". But a friend will call and he's gone. I do so much for him, laundry, his cleaning, homework, scheduling classes. And I love doing it, I just feel unappreciated. When we first started dating and for so long after that, I would get flowers or notes or special treats of candy or whatever just because. I would get posts on social media (yes I know it's childish)but it was heartfelt, I get none of that anymore. He talks about a future and marriage, but will threaten to leave or not talk to me at the littlest things. I was in counseling after our breakup and was finally after 6 months starting to feel ok. Then he messaged me and wanted to talk, he was apologetic and took blame, and after much consideration, we got back together. I went to counseling a few times after but have not been back. I took the tools and advice that were given to me and use them. I have grown so much. I'm 2 semesters away from being a special education teacher, his mom was also a special education teacher. We had a great bond and I miss her too. But he won't talk to me about her. I really don't even know what question I'm asking here, lol. Maybe just venting? I'm overwhelmed and don't know what to do? Is this just a part of grieving or something else. I love this man with all my heart. I know I'm still young, but like my mom always said, I have an old soul. I'm not into partying and such. Yes I like to socialize occasionally but I would rather spend time with him. What can I do ? What should I do ?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2016):
 When I read your post, I can tell you are a VERY loving and caring GF, but you can't quite see the woods for all the trees.
You write:
"I do so much for him, laundry, his cleaning, homework, scheduling classes. And I love doing it, I just feel unappreciated."
Are you nuts? Why are you enabling him to take NO responsibility for himself?
YOU are not his mom. Don't try and fill her caretaker/parent role in hopes that it will fix him.
I AM sure he is grieving. It's been 4 months since his mother died. It's been over 5 years! since my mom died and I am still (to a point) grieving for her. So yes, he is definitely grieving, but he might try and pretend he isn't. All this going out with the guys and leaving ALL the chores to you, is his way of distancing himself from REALITY. All he wants is fun. YOU are not fun, you have expectations of him. LIFE/SCHOOL isn't fun, again because there are expectation of him.
When YOU do EVERYTHING for him, you are enabling his escapism. You are ENABLING him to take ZERO responsibility for his life and future and... for his mental and emotional well being.
YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM!
He might not BE ready to reach out and seek help in dealing with the loss. Yet. HE has to "get there" at his own pace.
What you are doing IS not helping him, OK?
Like doing his homework. OK you might be "helping" him graduate, but what then? HE didn't do the work, he didn't LEARN shit from the classes. YOU did. So what he ends up with is a GPA that IS NOT HIS!
I know you care deeply about him, but you are overcompensating for the loss of his mom, yet you are doing no one (least of all him and yourself) any favors.
You need to STOP and let him sink or swim. Support him emotionally if he will let you, but DO NOT enable him any more.
And I agree with SVC - pull back from doing ALL the work in the relationship. See if he starts to pull his weight there too. If not.... maybe YOU need to consider that it's not working AGAIN. That long term it might not work at all between you two.
You can LOVE someone and NOT be with them. Specially if it's dragging you both down.
Chin up. And DO the right thing for you, AND your BF.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2016):
 If he has not had bereavement counseling (available from the hospital/hospice and/or the funeral home) then he should get some of that. It sounds like he's trying to find coping mechanisms to mourn a very deep powerful loss.
To be honest you can't fix that for him. You can suggest he get counseling for it but he probably won't want to hear it from you.
Doing his cleaning, his laundry, his HOMEWORK and scheduling his classes is way more parental than a 21 yr old man needs.
STOP doing it. STOP babying him.
IN fact, if he's not pulling his weight in the relationship now then YOU need to stop rowing the relationship boat and see where it goes.
In other words, if you don't call him, how long till he contacts you (and not to do his laundry, cooking, cleaning or homework)
If you don't ask to do something does he ask to do it?
If not, he's coasting and the resentment you feel will continue to grow and build until you blow up and leave with bad feelings.
better to end it as mature communicating adults.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 March 2016):
 "I do so much for him, laundry, his cleaning, homework, scheduling classes" Stop! He needs to grow up and stand on his own feet - you are mothering and smothering him.
"threaten to leave or not talk to me at the littlest things" he is emotionally blackmailing you to get his own way.
"I'm fine with him having guy time" Nope - you are not fine with this - you are his PLAN B..
He has everything he needs without needing you as a girlfriend.
Are you satisfied to be the forgotten at home girlfriend while he parties with his mates?
His actions tell you exactly how he feels about you.
...............................
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