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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupids, Please bear in mind this is going to be a long email but I will be very grateful for constructed advice. 4 months ago my partner broke up with me, had been together almost two years but had been good friends for four years prior to that. This was a LDR and were and hour away but saw each other regularly. This had been a joyous relationship for most of it and I honestly thought I would eventually end up settling down with him after university. A part of me should hate him, not for breaking up with me but how he played my emotions like a violin for two months before finally snapping my strings. I noticed a swift change in his behaviour 2 months prior to breaking up i.e. not being his affectionate self, lack of cuddles kisses. I asked him had his feelings changed and if he no longer wanted this relationship just to say. He said it was stress from work.Two months had passed, nothing had changed in him, I asked him two more times through this period about his change in behaviour and he kept saying it was work but he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I asked him whether he was just saying what I wanted to hear so it wouldn't affect my studies because and if so it was the last thing I want him to do and he looked me in the eyes and told me that if he didn't want to be with me he would tell me. After really trying my best to focus on my studies and trying not to worry about our relationship I packed as quick as I could and raced home on my car to see him. When we saw each other he seemed really happy to see me gave me a big hug and said we have all summer to plan things together, things seemed to have become better in him and that in turn relaxed me. He cuddled and kissed me and that night we made love like we used to and I went to sleep that night feeling for the first time in a while that things were healing. The next day I came to see him and he acted complete opposite as soon as I walked through the door. Later that night he ended it with me, I asked him how long had he known he wanted to do this he said about 2 and a half months. I asked him why did he drag this out, and he said it was to spare my emotion so i could focus on my studies. I said how could he do this to me when I told him earlier if he was doing this for that reason that it wasn't working. We'd promised each other that we would be upfront and honest no matter what. Then I asked him why had his feelings changed so quickly, he couldn't answer, he said that he was fed up of the long distance, that when he needed me sometimes it stressed him i couldn't, that he wanted to be single and do his own thing. He said that he felt like all he has done in the last couple of years of his life was jump from one relationship to the next with no break. I accepted this and just left. I was so hurt, all those times I had told him he loved me when i meant it and for to say it back knowing he didn't mean it. I used to hurt me knowing how he felt about us and for him to make love to me made me feel so angry and used.I've deleted him off my face-book and I haven't talked to him since that night. I've had a lot going for me, I passed with good grades, got a job, more time for friends etc. I got a job position waiting for me after my final year of university and I do find myself hardly thinking of him. I'm enjoying what its like to be single. I find out from a trusted mutual friend the other week that his relationship status on face book said he was with another girl 2 weeks after breaking it off with me. She is only turned 17, lives two hours away and cant drive so that means he's doing all the travelling. This made me a little angry as the BS he gave me contradicts this. Even though i keep myself as busy as i can I still find myself wondering now and again why things turned out this way, How could a relationship that I thought was so full of happiness turn bad so quickly, and how could this person turn out to be someone who was completely opposite to the man i thought i knew. It pisses me off sometimes. I just want to forget.
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 "my partner broke up with me, had been together almost two years but had been good friends for four years prior to that. This was a LDR and were and hour away but saw each other regularly. This had been a joyous relationship for most of it and I honestly thought I would eventually end up settling down with him after university"
I don't think we are ever happy to be broken up with no matter how it was done, and he probably is being sincere when he says he didn't want to ruin your studies by upsetting you, and it took him two months to make a decision to break up.
I am not trying to turn this around on you as your big mistake or your fault, but I want you to think about something so that you can possibly choose better the next time.
See, I wish I understood this about men when I was in my 20's, but I didn't. Men come to commitment differently than women do, and women make a huge mistake when we over invest in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Being a girlfriend is a job description, it is a trap, it is a trap for you and here's why.
Women put a lot of stock in the "events" that happen during their "relationship", they think time put in, vacations shared, family met, friends shared, activities shared, sex and intimacy all mean that our boyfriend is on the same path to happily ever after that we are, and they do a pretty good job of managing our expectations by keeping us sweet and telling us the things they think that we want to hear, but here's the deal. Men do not see "events" as meaning the relationship is moving towards happily ever after and commitment, oh they know that is what you want to happen, but to them these events are merely markers on a timeline spent simply dating you.
Men do not commit unitl they step up and claim you as the ONE, the one they want to live forever after with, not calling you a girlfreind means something...that they are so far away from commitment that it's time to get out, but calling you a girlfriend does not mean he is commited to you and the relationship as in happily ever after. So what you do is you risk you very own love life by being and exclusive girlfriend to a man who is simply dating you.
Now there is the matter of sex, and exclusivity of sex is what the man is offering, and most of us women especially can not handle sharing a man we are dating sexually with another woman, and men know this and feel the same if they truly care about you, so you can agree to that agreement to be sexually exclusive, but you need to let him know up front that you aren't interested in being anyone's girlfriend and that you will be talking to other men and possibly even going out on casual dates with men because until you and he have decided to make this a forever deal, your heart belongs to you. And that you understand of course that he isn't ready to make that decision and he can take as long as he likes, but until then he can't dominate all of your time or even all of your heart...because you are on your life's path. You will understand it to mean that if he dates other women that he has made his decision about you and you will move on. He has to understand that the woman is the prize here, and that you will not chase him or follow him off your path to happily ever after should he become confused and get off that path with you...you won't be following him around in his indecision and you will be living your own life.
In taking care of yourself in this way, you can be loving and soft to him on the outside, but you are strong on the inside and you will not be taken advantage of, have your time wasted, or allow being taken for granted, or mistreated in any way. And you will allow your heart to remain open to other interesting men who come your way who might actually want the same thing as you do and will step up and claim you as the ONE sooner than two years or in your case really, six years.
You really have to be protective of your happiness, and have a timeline for a relationship to progress through the stages of intimacy, you don't have to share what that timeline is, but realize it doesn't take a man six years to commit to his ONE.
He pretty much was true to his character here. He chose another woman who he can be distant enough from without commiting fully to her, she's 17 for one and lives two hours away. How do you know he hasn't been dating other women in his own backyard, too? You don't.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 "Even though i keep myself as busy as i can I still find myself wondering now and again why things turned out this way, How could a relationship that I thought was so full of happiness turn bad so quickly, and how could this person turn out to be someone who was completely opposite to the man i thought i knew. It pisses me off sometimes. I just want to forget."
Because people aint Jesus, people aren't geniuses that always know the right thing to do... most of the time we muddle alone, our heart, mind and emotions thinking different things..
My story babes... so you know that I can totally understand.. 18years of love, laughs, and friendship.. Then I got sick, I changed, I got anxiety and depression and could no longer be the same woman. He left, for a year, found a new woman.. but before that, it was a year of pure pain... if I didn't love him so much, if I wasn't sure he loved me, I would have given up.
So he left, and left me with bad memories... 1 year of pain, of bad treatment, harsh words, of being ignored.. but 18 years of love and joy.. I thought it was one of them things.
He left, but he missed me and he came back.. for 5 short months.. he came back, but his behaviour was hurtful.. full of criticism and not much love... but I thought.... sigh.. relationship is difficult, we can work it out.
Then he met a girl, he's with me, but she was better, she's what I used to be and more... (she looks exactly like me, with more money, a calmer personality and a better temperament and job) and he left again.. my heart broke, it seemed like such a game.
Nope, not at all... I love him still and he still loves me (he couldn't actually say he stopped loving me) and he still phones me and comes round (until I told him to fuck off) We are friends, 18years of happiness and friendship is too much to throw away.
He's not perfect.. I've done 5 years waiting for him to leave me and go to her or come back home.. It took him 5years to realise, yes, he loves me, but love is not enough. She offers more and he can be happy with her. With me. yes there is love, but there is also pain, pain that he can choose not to suffer.
Love doesn't conquer all, and people don't know it all. You were too fine, too special for him to walk away. But day, by day he knew it wasn't right, it wasn't what he wanted. If he could see the future, he wouldn't have caused you so much pain.
But he is human.. he may love you, he may not, but he knows deep in his heart that things weren't right for him.. If he loved you less it would be easy.. He could walk out without looking backward once. But we are human, we love, and then we want more, we want more but we don't want to hurt nobody. He wanted to stay but couldn't and that's why it feels like he's messing you around.
The fact that he found it hard to leave is a testament to how special you are. If he loved you less, then he could go and there would be no pain left behind.
You've been loved and left.. learn these lessons, rejoice for the love that was shared, and get strong enough to share it with somebody else. I'm sorry you suffered like me, but you was loved and was hard to leave.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 August 2010):
 You know, I think you know this intellectually, but he did the best thing for you by breaking up, and especially because you saw him on Facebook with a 17 year old. He has a weakness for never being able to be alone and possessing immaturity.
You, on the other hand, have a great job, a bright future, good friends, and you deserve a guy who will love you and doesn't have issues. I know your first emotion is anger and disgust at how it all went down, but he will ultimately be the one tortured by his character flaws, while you are primed to take on the world. Brush him off like gum on your shoe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): he's a jerk that's all there is
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