A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:basically, i have problems with my husband, they are:1) he is emotionally abousive to our children and sometimes slaps them. (he whines at them, impersonates them when they whine, calls them stupid etc)2)he is very defensive with me for example if he cooks dinner and the food is still frozen in the middle and i mention it he flies off the handle, the children are not allowed to mention it either. Also the children have to eat up all the food he makes or get shouted at for being wasteful.3) seems to me he has a victorian attitude to child rearing, eg, he believes children should be seen and not heard, they should speak only when spoken to (and certainly not when the tv is on), they should not "answer back" as he puts it even when defending their actions or reasons for doing things and they should "be grateful" and eat things even if they dont like them.4) he has allowed his family to interfere in our relationship and has allowed them to tell me how to grieve when my baby died. he does nto see anything wrong in this and cannot understand why i am upset about that.5) he does not listen to me in general, i am the last person he will go to for advice (in the past i have give him advice anyway and been right). he will not appreciate or accept that i have feelings especially if they do not match his. i have to justify my feelings all the time using phrases like "in my opinion" or "its just how i feel" so that he does not feel attacked, and says he feels attacked by me and the children all the time. after i tell him how i feel he says "thats just rubbish" and forgets about it but continues to do the things ive told him i hate him doing (e.g verbally abusing the kids)6) in the car he is a road rager, swears at other drivers, yells racist abuse, complains and whines about their speed etc7)he has no job due to the fact he was made redundant two years ago and also i got sick so he had to care for me and the children, i am still sick but well enough for him to go back to work. However he just sits watching tv all day or goes on the computer. NOTHING must get in the way of his tv viewing, including the children, the tv takes priority over their needs for him. if i am tending to one child and the other needs help he sends the child to me even though he kmows i am busy and it cant wait. 8) he leaves all the discipline of the children to me which is a good thing considering i dont agree with his ways (e.g. slap first ask questions later) HAVING SAID THAT if i impose a rule or consequence which he does not like he will override it and take over. (example: child draws on the wall, so i get bucket of water and cloth and make child clean drawings off wall: husband disagrees with this method, as he feels i am too soft on the child and i should (in his mind) have slapped the child. so husband will tell the child to stop cleaning and will slap the child and send the child to their room). 9) he tries (indirectly) to get rid of my friends. if i have a lunch date with a friend planned in advance he will suddenly get sick on the day im going so i have to cancel as he "cant cope" he drives mine and our mutual friends away and he disapproves of all of them even though they are all good people. i think its because they will see how he is and help me leave him or something.well i think i have made up my mind that i dont think i love him, i hate the way he is with our kids and i just want to leave. we have tried counselling and the counsellor threatened to report him if his abusive behaviour did not stop, however, as its not illegal to hit your own child where we live he feels he is being unfairly "picked on" in his words. the counsellor told us we would both need to change or "stay stuck" she did a bit of work with me on changing my attitude so he would want to change but it did not work he still did not feel that he should be in the wrong (it takes two) so refused to change at all. i told him it couldnt work we both want different things and i did not want him living with us anymore but as the house is he he threatened to make us homeless if i kicked him out and he even got help to do it. i have decided to get help from family and save up until i am well enough and then leave him, get my own house take my kids and start again alone. trouble is everytime i make this conscious decision i feel guilty, guilty for my kids growing up in a single parent family, guilty for all the misery that is going to happen to them. i feel stuck, between a rock and a hard place. my eldest child says she hates him but people tell me i shouldnt leave just for the kids but for me too. well i dont think i am happy, dont think i love him (what is love anyway) ans dont want my kids to turn round when they are my age and ask me why i put up with him and why their life sucked because of him. i just keep feeling guilty for leaving him, he has tried to kill himself i think he id depressed. also the younger children love him and i do not want to deprive them of their father, i certainly dont want him getting custody/residence of them and i know his family will tell the kids lies about me and try to turn them against me. (they have done this before). i am plaugued with worry about life as a single mother, one of my children is disabled and i cant go out to work and leave him, but feel wrong to depend on the state, so many things keep me in this position of guilt where i feel i cannot leave and i just need to know how to overcome it. what does the guilt mean? how can i get over the guilty feelings and just make the leap and leave without making my childrens lives worse when all i want to do is make them better?
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female
reader, kristie2021  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Oh dear, you put those baby's first dear. Get out of there, and just leave. Let him go out and "play" with his friends for a couple hours, when he leaves, either pack your things and the children's and leave the house, or do the exact same thing, except pack his things... get a order of protection against this man first, and if you can make sure some law enforcement are there to make sure this man is escorted out of your house. I don't know how all those things work, but please do get out of there.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 August 2010):
 Your kids hate this man, they are not stupid... start feeling guilty for staying with him and making them suffer this way. Divorce him, you will get the house and he will also have to pay you money. Your kids will celebrate and kiss your feet and thank you as soon as you get rid of this wicked man.
Kids aint stupid, they know when someone is bad and they want you to leave him as soon as possible, they won't be happy until you get him out of the house.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): If you leave him you will not be hurting your kids. It doesnt matter if the younger kids love him because as they get older they will be exposed to his violent behaviour. Most of the time the mother will get custody of the children. If his family tells lies about you when deciding who gets the children then I suggest getting the counselor that warned him about being reported for abuse to testify or something like that for you if you get divorced. Trust me you will be hurting your kids more than helping them by staying with this man any longer. I hope you get out of this relationship for you and your children.
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (28 August 2010):
 Oh dear :(
You would be putting your kids first by leaving. You say they'll suffer growing up without a father, think how much they'll suffer if they stay in an abusive enviroment? Even mental abuse like the insults from their Dad can knock their own confidence. If I had kids, I'd rather them grow up with one parent believing in themselves than living with two parents and never realising just how special they are.
Save up, get better, agree with friends or family so you definitely have somewhere to go to. Then up and leave. Tell your kids you're staying with relatives for a while. You might even want to wait until your husband goes out, then leave him a letter explaining why you've left (but not where you've gone). Maybe later on you can come to an arrangement where he sees his kids for a few hours at the weekends but only when you're there?
You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to get you and yourself out of a now loveless, abusive marriage. The kids are probably already hurting being around him. The separation will be painful, yes, but at least you get your kids out of there. Your family will always be there for you, and they're probably worried about you. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave, just make sure you've got somewhere to go.
I really hope this helped you :)
xxx
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