A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been together for 1 and a half year. We are at the same age (~20). It’s our first real relationship and it was really strong. We are comfortable with each other, since we spend a lot of time together (we live together).Before i continue, i have to mention that she has problems with her family. They don’t care about her much. Her father used to hit her when she was younger, they didn’t give her attention at all. They hardly give her money to go out or even to visit a doctor for a health issue! That's why she has to work.I live alone in an apartment in the city, away from my family because my university is in the city.We had many problems in the past. She is clingy (can't stay alone) and gets really really mad when she is mad.We both made mistakes in the past that we both understood and used to apologize to each other.Sometimes she is really wrong, but because i love her i immediately forgive her and i try to cope with her behavior.Lately, it seems that she gets mad over very tiny things and, in her way, either by not talking to me at all or by being moody and mad and avoiding me, she compels me to apologize. Tiny things as like, last night i tried to help her boil some eggs, and for unknown reason the eggs broke in the saucepan. Then i suggested to cook her something else. She then started getting upset and i said i accidentally broke the eggs and i didn't want to. And she got more mad because i didn't apologize and say sorry. (I know this example may seem stupid to some people). I personally didn't find a serious reason to apologize. Maybe i am tired of apologizing all the time for little things. Maybe i can't cope anymore with her egotism...While i try to talk to her in a very nice way and i try to communicate with her, she never calms down, she is yelling at me and is talking to me in a really bad way.She doesn't realize what i do for her and she doesn't appreciate anything anymore. (example, i spent my last 2 summers in the city with her. She is working and is almost the whole day away. I spend my whole day in front of the TV or computer, waiting her to finish. All my friends are on vacations because it is summer.I am really frustrated and i don't know what to do.Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 You find out a lot about a potential mate by seeing their interaction with their family. You should sit her down in public (like a restaurant) and have a long talk with her about how you feel. You do not have to apologize to her, but you need to be thorough in telling her how you feel.
I'm not sure if she can change, unless she's willing to grow beyond her family dynamic. It can happen, but it takes a massive effort for her to realize who she's become and desire to change.
The question I have to you is, can you live with her as she is? If she doesn't change, or if she changes, then reverts back to her current treatment of you, can you handle it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): Be careful. Her behaviour could indicate that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. The clinginess, fear of abandonment, emotional and verbal abuse is very indicative of it. It is often caused by a dysfunctional and uncaring childhood, so that applies to her.
My advice: look up information on the internet about Borderline Personality Disorder so you can judge for yourself if this is the case and you realize what you've gotten yourself into.
I have been married with a man who probably suffers from this, and it is very difficult. After 8 years I will be divorcing him, because the clingy behaviour, mean/sweet cycle, rage attacks, suicidal behaviour etc. just became too much.
Good luck! I wish you a lot of strength...
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