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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello. I need your help in figuring out my boyfriend's actions today.Here is what happened.I texted him this morning at around 11. I said "good morning" to him like usual. But there was no reply. Usually he replies pretty quickly. I then sent him another couple of texts at around 2 p.m. Still no reply. Eventually he did reply to me at around 3. I asked him what he has been up to today. That it isn't like him not to reply to my good morning text or other texts. He said he has been with his mom all day. She is visiting him the next few days.Well, I drove by his house at around 11 this morning and his car was not in front of his house. So, I hung around in the library across the street from his house. I saw that he got home at 1 p.m. and he was by himself. So he was out for at least 2 hours by himself that I know of. It could have been more as I had gotten there at 11.So, why did he tell me he was with his mom all day? When he was obviously out for at least 2 hours (or more) ??? Why did he not tell me that he was #1. Out? and #2 What he was doing when he was out? And #3 If he was out, why did he tell me he was with his mom all day? Was there a lie of omission there? Is he hiding something? Lying about something? I have trust issues as my previous boyfriend cheated on me. I was with him for 5 years and found out from the girl he was seeing. I have had a hard time trusting guys since then. And my current boyfriend knows this and that is why he is usually very timely in answering my texts and he does what he can to alleviate my worries. But today he did not answer me right away like he always does or at least in a reasonable time frame. And he did not tell me he was OUT and in fact said he was with him mom all day?Now, my red flags are flying all over the place and I am beginning to worry he was out with some other girl.Am I too worried about this?I would like to know how to bring it up to him when I see him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 May 2016):
 OP you miss the point.... this is not about game playing (which is what you are doing with the "I waited" attitude.
IF he texts you and you want to reply then do so. But what I meant is YOU don't text him first with "good morning"
YOU don't pay for things
YOU don't suggest things
YOU don't start things.
just sit in the back of the rowboat and let him make the choices but do not play games.
live your life for YOU not for him...if when he asks to do things you are free then say yes. NEVER change plans you have to do things with him.
but do not start the "he texted me, I've read the text, I want to reply but I will wait to appear less interested" game....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2016):
 I don't know and don't think that it is necessary to " play games " or " play hard to get " to get attention from someone ( who HAS an interest in you, of course ).
But I am sure that attention flows more freely, warmly and spontaneously when you give them breathing space and time and freedom to show their attention and appreciation. Not when is demanded or extorted by nagging or guilt tripping..
If you man-mark them too tightly, well... I bet that Sylvester too gets a lot of attention from Tweetie, but it's the wrong kind of attention : they pay attention to how to get you off their back !
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 I think you need to deal with your own issues before being in this relationship. Yes you got hurt in the past, but that is not his fault, and yes he has a wall up but this could be because you are insecure and clingy. I honestly think you need to sort yourself out before you continue on with this relationship, you openly admit you do not trust him, so is loving him really enough?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): Hello. It is the original poster of the question.Thank you everyone for your comments and advice.Well, SVC, I did stop rowing the relationship boat yesterday. He told me he had a few errands to run in the morning til early afternoon. But otherwise he was home with his mom. He then texted me a kissy face. And I texted a kissy face back about 40 minutes later. Usually I reply right away but I made sure I let a little time elapse.Then he texted again to say hi and wanted to chat with me. I saw his text as it came in but I decided not to reply right away (as usual) and make him wait. I replied an hour later. I always jump on his texts. This time I waited to reply and my reply was very brief. Usually I am quite wordy.So he comes over today and brings me lunch and was super nice and attentive and told me how happy he is with me and how lucky he is etc.I guess holding back a little does help. It is just too bad that this is necessary to get a guy's attention.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 ... Couldn't he have been out with his mom and then gone home without her???
I think this sounds like a bit too much drama over nothing. Has there been any other episodes that makes you question his truthfulness? This seems like such a little thing that could have so many logical explanations, that I don't get why you would assume he is lying to you over it.
I see from your follow-up that you have been cheated on before, but that does not make it right of you to treat every new boyfriend as if he's also cheating on you. Until you are ready to trust someone again, you should not be in a relationship at all. He doesn't deserve being treated this way, and a lack of trust from your partner, and accusations of lying or worse... well it breaks you down. It hurts a lot!!! If you have been treating him like this all along, then that could be why he is pulling-away, or why he was hesitant to give you his heart completely to begin with.
You say he is putting up a wall, but the wall is there on your side too. Your wall of no trust. You need to break that wall down before a man can enter your life again. Or else you will end up in the same place as now.
I think some aunts have been rude to you. It's NOT crazy to get worried and then add the time-lines. You were at the library and happened to notice your boyfriend. Accusing you of spying is mean-spirited, we don't know if that was what you were doing or not, and I am going to believe that you were in fact not. If he usually replies to messages, and then this one time didn't, then that is grounds to worry. It doesn't mean you are a person who demands answers right away or is controlling. You were worried as it was out of character for him.
Believe me, I know how perfectly normal reasoning can sound controlling and what not when put in text and without context, but having experiences of my own I know to not judge. He normally texts you back, then this day didn't, and every one of the people on this site would have felt uneasy about it as well. Not necessarily thinking he was cheating, but thinking something feels off.
I had a boyfriend once who just suddenly stopped answering my calls and didn't text me back, which was out of character for him. I did the mistake of asking dearcupid what they thought might be up. They all said he was dumping me and just didn't want to face it and that I needed to open my eyes because I had probably done something bad to him and that I deserved it. People can be so judgmental. Truth was that my boyfriend at the time had mental breakdown and had tried to kill himself. I went over to his apartment uninvited (against all advice on dearcupid) and got him to the emergency room and hospitalized.
So, whatever you read on dearcupid, always follow YOUR GUT, and don't rely too heavily on the opinion of others.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 May 2016):
 Your follow-up has made it crystal clear that this relationship isn't right for you right now. You don't trust your boyfriend and in your attempt to hold on to him, you're pushing him away even more. He isn't into you, you don't trust him, I don't see anything holding this relationship together. You can't push him to hold the relationship, you just can't. He either does it because he cares just as much or he doesn't which means it's over.
OP you have to accept that there's nothing left to it. Please stop doing this to yourself because you're just hurting yourself more and more. You have to heal from the wounds of your past. Give yourself time. You're not psycho and you're not crazy, you're just going insane because you're trying really really hard to convince yourself that everything is fine and you're not being cheated on again. It's the hurt talking.
Accept that this is over. This wasn't the guy for you. You don't have to push or chase the right guy. Things won't be quite as difficult. Trust me. Just let it go. You'll breathe much easier
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 You demand immediate answers to your calls and texts, or a damn good explanation why. You drive by his house to check his alibi and when he isn't there, you camp out across the street to spy on him. You take note of his comings and goings and become suspicious any time he deviates from the expected pattern. And you're wondering how to bring this up to him without coming across as a psycho.
Hmm...I agree that's a toughie.
I would suggest that if you don't trust him, you break up with him and not engage in creepy, stalking behaviour.
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A
male
reader, Militaryman1234 +, writes (11 May 2016):
 Dear OP after carfully reading both question and follow up this is what I feel I need to say and highlight.First I believe your behaviour you outlined is unacceptable and boarder line crazy. And when several aunts either kindly or bluntly addressed this issue you choose to completly ignor them and went on the defensive on your follow up about "his fault his fault his fault"Another thing that hit a cord with me was you said he has a wall up that you Cant get past. Well I want to highlight something you said in your original question "I have trust issues as my previous boyfriend cheated on me" this is a clear omission of your own wall put up. How do you except to get threw someone elses wall if you Cant even bring down your own. I believe alot of the concerns and doubts on his part stem from your unpredictiable behaviour OP. I dont mean to insult you but merely make you self aware of your other then normal actions.. Honestly judging by everything you said I urge you to not even be in a relationship right now. Take some time of to focus on healing what damage you have had in the past. Realize just because one man hurt you doesnt mean every man will. Once you can bring down your own walls you can start working on climbing other peoples walls.. I Honestly wish you the best of luck OP
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 May 2016):
OP based on your follow up of:
"He is to blame too. He never makes me feel safe. He keeps his distance a lot. He's always been this way. He does not show affection to me openly. I am always the one who grabs his hand first or rests my head on his shoulder or kisses him. He does not tell me he loves me. "
I can tell you that you are rowing this relationship boat all by yourself.
Stop calling him.
stop holding his hand
stop saying "i love you"
stop kissing him first
stop rowing the relationship boat and see what happens....
it will help you figure out that it's time to leave a man who does NOT return your feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): It's the poster of the question.No, I don't trust him. And he knows it.It is so hard to trust any man after having your heart torn out by a cheater. There is no worse pain on earth to have to go through.It really isn't all my fault. :(He is to blame too. He never makes me feel safe. He keeps his distance a lot. He's always been this way. He does not show affection to me openly. I am always the one who grabs his hand first or rests my head on his shoulder or kisses him. He does not tell me he loves me. He seems to always have a wall up and I just can't get through it. I do not feel like I am his priority a lot of the time. Lately he has been acting more distant than ever and has expressed doubts about our relationship and I feel he wants to end it soon. I am the one pushing him to hold on. So, I am hyper sensitive to all of his actions. And I read into them. How can I not at this point?I am just not sure what to do? I love him and I don't want to lose him. But he is not treating me as I need to be treated. I don't think he truly values and loves me. And I keep trying to fight for his attention, his love, his validation. It is all very exhausting. So, maybe you can see now why I am so insecure. I am with an emotionally unavailable man. He does not seem sure of what he wants. And I am left feeling unsure much of the time. So my thoughts always go to him possibly hiding something like another girl.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 May 2016):
I am not sure I got the timing right. If you texted him around 11 .... don't tell me that you texted him a few minutes before 11 and when he did not answer instantly you proceed to spy on him right away !?
That's extreme. Very OTT.
You haven't even considered that your BF may very well have come back at 1 after dropping off his mother somewhere else, at a friend's or a shop or a beauty salon...anywhere.
You haven't even considered that when you ask people what they have been up to, normally they won't give you the run down by the minute of every single activity, just the gist- and in good faith too. If you ask me "what did you do Sunday" and I tell you, not much, I have been reading all day- of course I have not literally been reading all day; I may also have showered and cooked lunch and watered my plants and called a friend etc.etc.etc. and if I am omitting these bits it's not because I want to hide stuff from you, it's because I am not in jail and I am not supposed to be accountable for every single minute of my time.
Your bf may very well have been mostly busy with his mom, - and the rest of the time he did his normal stuff, shaving, eating, walking the dog ,whatever, so he could not answer your text right away. Of course you woud have objection to that too !, because probably you feel that his absolute first priority in life must be to answer your texts right away, no matter what, in order to defuse your anxiety and stave off your paranoia.... and, as probably, he sees it differently and feels that if for once he has to attend to personal stuff he should be free to do it , without having to wear a sort of electronic anklet in the form of text exchange !
Only, he did not come out and say it , because he knows you and he knows the awful interminable fuss you would do and some times one is just in no mood for fuss, so a little white lie comes handy.
You do need to calm down. Big time. If you carry on like this maybe you can keep the competition at bay... but inevitably you will also turn him off and scare him away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): Oh dear. This doesn't look good at all. You've come across a bit in need of some counselling for your trust issues. I want to offer a bit of sympathy because I do have the potential to go a bit crazy. If my boyfriend doesn't reply to me for several hours I do wonder, because I've been through this in the past. But having those thoughts and acting on them are very different things. I would never do what uve done and I'd never accept if someone else did it either. Please think before you act. If you caught him cheating by snooping, or if u found out by being told, it would all hurt the same way. Being overbearingly suspicious is only going to end things really quickly. I think other aunts have got it right, that you do need some help, but I think they've said it in a very harsh sharp tone. I do understand that it's hard to trust people especially if you've been hurt before. But everything you're doing will drive yourself mad and you'll end up hurting both of you. I'm not sure how you can tell him you trusted him so little that you stalked outside of his home all morning to wait to see where he was. If I was him... It would make me say goodbye to your relationship. I don't think you really have a right to demand to know where he was. And there are definitely more important things to address.I hope you can find a way to seek help and work on your issues. All the best X
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (11 May 2016):
Sorry, I very much agree with anonymous.
You are behaving outrageously. You have no right to park yourself across from your boyfriends house like a private detective and spy on him. I don't care whether someone cheated on you in the past. That's just an excuse to behave as though you own this man.
Why did he lie to you? Perhaps because you freak out completely and demand to know his whereabouts at all times. That would be suffocating and exhausting.
Enjoy driving this guy, and every other guy you date, far far away from you until you finally decide to seek help.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 May 2016):
Oh God where do I even start?
You are stalking this guy and this is serious business. You drove by his house at 11, saw that his car wasn't there so you hung out in the library, watching out for him for TWO hours! And you'd have probably even stayed even longer till you saw him get back. Do you realize what this makes you? Do you also realize that if a guy was doing this to you, people here would be asking you to get a restraining order against him?
You should also realize something else here OP. He probably lies to you because he's seen that its the easier option than having to justify his actions and have you subject him to third degree interrogation.
You have severe trust issues and you really, *really* need help. I cannot stress this enough. You have spun a mental web out of probably nothing at all, you're stalking your boyfriend just because he didn't respond to your good morning message and now you've concocted all kinds of scenarios where he's cheating on you. Did it ever dawn on you that he may have dropped his mother off somewhere and was getting home from there?
If you don't trust him to even let go of a forgotten good morning message then this relationship is definitely not for you. You're sabotaging your own happiness and are driving this guy away from you, or will very soon if you already haven't.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 Your boyfriend isn't your property. He can do what he likes, and be where he wants when he wants. You may feel that he has an obligation to tell you exactly what he is doing, but there may be good reasons why he has chosen not to. I can imagine several which don't include another woman.
Just let go. You will know soon enough if he wants to be with someone else.
If you have to bring it up with him to ease your mind then try not to sound controlling. Men hate this - probably women do too. He will loathe feeling that you are checking on his every move; tying him to your apron strings.
If you trust him, then trust him. If you don't you have only one remedy - end it.
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