A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband who is very controlling turned me against members of my family because he obviously is jealous, now that I have got in touch with these people again after 3 years of not speaking.My husband does not like it but I am much stronger now and have told him a few home truths about his own family and how dysfunctional they are and users etc.. Well he doesn't like the things that I am saying, is this because he knows it's the truth?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 OK so after your update it's LOT more clear why you doubting your husband, and I have to agree with WCA...
WHY are you with this man? Why pick a man over your own son?
I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. You family has done nothing yet you gave them up for him, so he was isolating you. And now that you feel stronger you want them back and he doesn't want that... But really if you are getting stringer, maybe you need to find a bit more strength and leave him!
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (11 May 2016):
And you are still with this horrible man, why?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): I am the original poster. Yes he has been very abusive to me in the past and the no contact was because each time I visited these members of my family like my mum and my son, my mum in particular he would call a white bitch, because he is from a different country. And in the end I stopped visiting my family because he would start a big argument with me and harass my family. He would accuse my mum of wanting money from me which is totally wrong and the reason why he must have thought these things is because his own family do that to him and his own mother never stops asking for money. Also he is very jealous of my son as I have looked after my son unlike him he has had to work for his mother and father since a young age, and as soon as he receives a wage they would be contacting him and wanting his wages and I could tell my husband is well annoyed about that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2016):
So if your family is fine, what was the 3 years of no contact over?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): I avoid being critical of my boyfriend's family, no matter what I see. Unless they do him harm, or he asks my opinion.
If they say or do nothing that effects our relationship, their ways and shortcomings are his to deal with. He's your spouse and you took vows that made them your in-laws. They're his blood-kin; so they're not going anywhere.
By the way, what can you tell him about his own family he doesn't already know?
What you tell him may be the truth; but the truth loses it purpose when you are comparing your family to his. Then it's putting his family down in his face, and places him in a defensive position. What he allows them to do to him is his choice.
You can't be controlled unless you allow yourself to be. If you act in defiance or simply do as you please; you're in charge of yourself, and master of your own fate.
Sometimes people want to be controlled and submit to willful overbearing people seeking protection. Running from their own weaknesses, and looking for someone to take care of them. Naturally the one given such authority will become drunk with power. You have to put people in their place the moment they show aggression or bully you. If their strength is what you sought and committed to; that is what the relationship will be founded or established on. If you show assertiveness, confidence, and insist on equality; that is how the relationship will develop, and the foundation it will be built upon.
I hear time and time again, how people claim their partners are too controlling. If you really put their relationship under a microscope, you'd see they were unmatched from the very start. The weaker of the two sought out the other for safety and security. Eventually you'll decide you've had enough, when they try to call all the shots. Submissive people easily get controlled.
You are making up for lost time. Now he's in shock. You're not the person he's used to. Continue with insisting on your equality, but you will not gain it by putting his family down. That's how you turn your spouse into an enemy.
You have to be tactful and choose your words carefully. Truth used like a club isn't effective-communication with a spouse, or your romantic-partner. You may have become a little over-zealous, now that you're "feeling your Cheerios!" It's an American breakfast cereal; that used to have a commercial featuring a little guy, who suddenly becomes powerful after eating his Cheerios! Google it!
What's the point of saying anything to him, if it isn't improving the relationship? Isn't that the point of the truth? To help improve how you treat each other, and help your marriage? If he's an insufferable dick, why waste your time trying to recreate him? Especially, if that is who he has always been, yet you married him anyway.
If the facts amount to him being a lousy husband, the truth is you need to consider getting a divorce. Once people mature and become set in their ways, you can tell all the truth you like. It won't change things. You're trying to change him, he's resisting. You're closing the door of communication; and you may be dealing with someone who was a bad match from the very start. You know him better than we do. If you're trying to change him, you've got to have an open-line of communication that educates him. Not just knocks his brains out.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 My dad was traditional and used to think that once my mom was married to him, he belonged to his family and it wasn't right that she still visit her family. My mom fought back for her right to remain close to her parents, even if it meant causing conflict in the marriage. That issue was 30-40 years ago. It would be very painful for me to see that today there are still men who control wives to this extent.
He doesn't like it because you were implying that his controlling behavior was caused by his dysfunctional family. You were suggesting that he owns up to the fact that he mistreated you all these years. He's no longer the omnipotent man who can do no wrong. Now he has a weakness that can be traced somewhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): I am the original poster, just would like to reply to honeypie.
My family members are fine, no arguments, no taking money from me, etc..
But his family take his money and don't repay him, physically fight and argue between themselves, take illegal drugs and are always drinking , steal etc.. There was nothing wrong with my family members. He is jealous of any friends I also have.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2016):
Is it because I'm telling the truth?
Not necessarily.
If you husband PRIOR to you cutting your family off watches them treat you in a disrespectful, cruel, rude, toxic or mean manner - maybe he knows they they haven't changed in those 3 years, and it won't be long till they are back to their old games.
You however made it out to be a competition in who's family is worst. Now his family MIGHT be crappy too, doesn't mean you "won" something or that you were "telling the truth".
TALK to him, listen to him. Figure out WHY he doesn't like it, I think you will find it's more because HE doesn't want to see YOU get hurt again, more than him wanting to control you.
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