A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so me and my boyfriend had been dating for four years and over the last couple of months I noticed he had become distant. He wasn't as affectionate, when we spent time together he would fall asleep or act like he didn't wan to be there and the last couple of times we have had sex I had to initiate it. I felt like he didn't cherish spending time with me anymore. So on Saturday I told him that I wanted to talk about some concerns that I had about the relationship so we went to a park. Eventually, he told me that at 25 years old he wasn't where he wanted to be in life and just needed to get his life together(no car, college dropout, dead end job, still living with college roommates). Regardless of that I still loved in cared about him and tried supporting him find his career path.Then he started bringing up our friendship and how great it was(we were friends for 3 years before we started dating) and suggested that we go back to that. He was very emotional the whole time we were talking, even to the point where I had to console him. I agreed thinking maybe a relationship isn't his best interest right now and he said that he was always going to be there for me if I needed him and he still wanted to be apart of my life. After we talked he suggested that I come over his house but I was so hurt I just wanted to go home so he took me home and watched me while I went into the house. Later on that night, I had a lot on my mind, mainly because my boyfriend has never initiated a break up so I called to make sure what he said was true. He said yes but I noticed he was cold and hostile over the telephone compared to crying his eyes out earlier. I asked was there any other reason for this break up, because I didn't think our relationship was that bad and we normally worked things out together. He told me that he felt smothered and felt like I was never going to trust him(old issues that we have had in the past). He could not get me a valid reason for our break up so I asked was somebody else in the picture?(I snooped his fb and ig page but I can't find evidence of another girl and he still has a picture of us as his profile picture, he also works a lot!) and he no but told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. That hurt me like a ton of bricks. He still suggested friendship and he still wants me to go with him to visit his mother for Christmas and act like a couple around my family, which I think is weird. We haven't spoken since but I'm just so confused right now.
View related questions:
a break, christmas, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (8 December 2015):
 So i dont mean to conflict what the others are saying. But being a guy... I think going no contact with a guy is good if you want to move on ....i get it that sometimes guys give bad reasons to break ups and sometimes you have to respect it. But it looks like he really needs a friends right now and by the level you two know each other i guess you could be mature enough to interact after a break up....because in reality being blocked by a girl hurts a lot. But i dont mean to defend the guy i get it that him saying he doesnt love you anymore hurts but you have to give him credit for telling the truth and for a guy if he really cried then it means something to him and it really hurt him too. Im sorry if i come on to nice ive always been the happy clingy camper in a relationship.When girls love you they love you...but guys they mostly love in hindsight...when everthing is either cleared or more f*cked up. So give him time and decide if you do still love him after the things he said.Give him space and think things trough, decide what you want if you still like to be friends afterwards ,because seriously 7 years is a long time to know someone.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2015):
 I'd say this is a win/win even if emotionally it's hard.
He isn't happy with himself and therefore not ready for something serious anymore. TAKE that as the "reason". Finding his career-path, his future is HIS job, you can't do it for him. HE needs to find his own independence.
And I agree going NC (no contact) is better for the BOTH of you for a while. MAYBE after feelings have died down, you have both moved on, there is a possibility for friendship, but right now? All it will do is hold you BOTH back from moving on. It wold give you (especially) hope that maybe he will change his mind or want you back in the future. Reality is HE isn't happy with it and doesn't WANT to be in a relationship any more. It doesn't mean YOU weren't a good GF or anything with you, this is on him.
I would NOT fake being a couple. That just adds insult to the injury. You don't owe him to put on a brave face so HE doesn't have to explain to his mom why you are not together not more. Heck no!
Go no contact. Block his number, remove him from your Facebook and other chat/social media. Pretend (if that is easier) that he has moved to Antarctica with no wi-fi!
Accept that it's OVER, and then you work on letting go of him.
Spend time with family & friends and DO NOT jump into a new relationship till you are fully over this one.
You are both very young and 4 years is actually pretty a long relationship at your age. But in your late teens early 20's you (general you) GROW a lot. Mentally, emotionally, you have more responsibilities and challenges. Some people grow together, others grow apart. It happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2015):
 I'm so sorry he did this but he was wise to do it now.
to help yourself you need to go NO CONTACT. I find it very hard to stay friends with ex partners... civil and friendly is one thing but actual friends... rarely works.
oh and I do not think he needs a REASON other than "it's not working for me" stop forcing him to come up with a reason other than "it's time for us to end it" which IMO is perfectly fine.
He knows the relationship is not working for him, you demanding that he explain EXACTLY why is not really reasonable.
...............................
|
