A
female
age
41-50,
*nonymous_Chick
writes:Dear Cupid Friends,I have posted here before in the pass with same problem "My Husband"! I meet my husband in March 2009 married him May 2009 I'm 30 he's 49 now it's a 1 year 7 months later and I'm struggling in our marriage! I feel like I been treated very badly when we first got married I had to deal with his ex girlfriend and there unresolved issues and them talking behind my back and her telling him to leave me get the marriage annulled! He becomes guilty and confused because of the way he ended it and she has cancer so he tells me he does know if he wants to stay or go back to her.. He's texting her while I'm right there so I'm going crazy with disbelief crying and feeling lime crap! He then decides he loves me and all she wants is his money and security. He asks me to forgive him which I did.. Next I had to battle him with porn addiction which I didn't know about prior to marriage I would he's looking at porn on his phone porn he damn near drove me crazy! I begged him stop cried prayed and he would still try to do it behind my back just sickening.. Not to mention he just not too long before got out of a 15 year marriage full drama fighting cheating and porn addiction... I'm running back and forth to lawyers to help him find his kids because the ex wife is bitter because they divorced she ran off with the kids. We fighting about porn he was always comparing me to his ex wife saying I reminded him of her because of my attitude, I had to stop working because I could not be a live in nurse and be married so no working and I make the money is constantly thrown in my face! You just like my ex she never wanted to work.. I did not know I was marrying a selfish ass hole! He provides for me I and give me access to all the money and mess he does something stupid he trys to buy me but out side of that he does not kiss hug rub or touch me unless were having sex he said I'm not a mushy person I don't show my love that way! He has said alot jacked up mean things to me and all I did this whole marriage is cry and cry! As I right this he's in another room like always no communication he's doing what ever in another room and I'm alone I have to beg for a kiss beg for a hug beg him to go any where beg for attention. I tried to talk and if he does not feel like answering he won't! He laughs with him friends on the phone and at work but with me he's an ass I feel like this is some form of control.. I love my husband dearly and I have Bern fighting for my marriage but I can't do it alone I have asked for counseling but he says he will but never go. I had an emotion break down due to all this it gave me anxiety Im better now but I was messed up for the last 6 months depressed in bed which I got no support just encored and told to snap out of it! I do eating thing for I'm good to him everytime we get in a fight he always plays the divorce card or you can leave never can we talk it out he just goes silent he knows I don't want to leave so he plays the threat game.. I at my whits end trying to figure him out and what the problem is I'm in Counseling my self.. I was a happy beautiful nice body no kids 29 year old women before this now I'm stressed depressed and tired. He never wants to go any where just staying the house and when we do he's looking at every women with a big butt and a tight clothing! I have a beyonce body why are you looking at them! I'm crying right now because after all the crap I went threw with court and lawyer getting cussed out by his ex wife the kids are coming next week and he told me when he picks them up I should home because he does not want to spring me on them soon as they get off the plane. Please Help I don't know what to do..
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at work, depressed, divorce, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, his ex, money, my ex, porn, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Well, that's a starting point. Do go back to school and /or get a job, not just to please him but because it's very good idea in itself.You'll feel much better and more in control of your life, you'll get some self esteem back, you'll have a project on which to spend some of your mental and emotional energy, other than nagging and controlling your man ( who maybe deserves being nagged and controlled :) but this is not the point, the point is that
acting the way you act you push him away even more ).
Right now it's like your entire life is all around your relationship so you are much more sensitive to anything wrong between you. If you can focus your attention on something else, it's not like your problems will disappear by magic ( particularly the porn addiction ) but you'll regain some lucidity and perspective to deal with them in a constructive, not destructive way and make rationally your final decision, whether to stay or to go.
Remember- you can't ever really change other people... the only thing you can change is yourself and how you interact with them...
A
female
reader, Anonymous_Chick +, writes (16 December 2010):
Anonymous_Chick is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice Cindy I still really do love him your right about going to school I promised him I would go get my nursing license or get a job.. I know he's disappointed in me because he feels the not working is just a reflection of his ex wife.. He said he married a bright funny happy full of life woman not a nag after I became depressed I went down, he said it turned him off, yes I'm a nag & and a little controlling but want my marriage to work so I tried to change him! I knew he had alot of pain from not seeing his kids & a bad 17 year marriage but I tried to fix it by loving him going to lawyers helping him fight.. I married a man 19 years old than because I loved him & I always dated men 10-15 years older than me my whole life & we married quick we knew what we wanted.. We had a blow out last night he has so many emotional flowing because he felt like a failure because he left his family but his ex wife gave him no choice with her not working bankruptcys losing to houses cheating fighting someone had to get out so he did and she kept kids away. We argued because I felt hurt about not going with him to the airport after thing we been threw he said this is children and you have any then it escalated in your actin your age & I don't if I want this marriage anymore we got married fast didn't get to know each other maybe we rushed it he tired if me nagging him telling him what to how to do it, I want change him I need to stop telling him to go to counseling he will deal with his own demons... My jelously & controlling and arguementive ways & he complexed and I don't really know him.. Crying and balling telling I love him but he said I don't know if your really do, I been telling you to go to school or get a job you have done nothing we talked about and he gives a person a enough room to hang themselves.. I was depressed for 6 months behind this marriage porn no affection being compared to his ex wife.. He said he has never been a lovey dovey
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 December 2010):
You met in March and married in May same year ?
Wow:
Kids,don't try this at home. It's dangerous.
Anyway, this explains many things but does not solve them, of course.
So : it's not clear to me if you still love this man and are just frustrated because it seems you can't make things work between you, or if you have definitively lost all feelings for him.
In the first case, there is something that you could do to work on this marriage, beside going to counseling ( good idea ). That's getting your own job and your own money, whether you need money or not. Go back to school if you have to, to complete your education or get new credentials, or try a different field. You need to gain back your respect for yourself , even more than his respect for you. Once you feel you are not just your own
live in maid, or a dead weight anyway, once you become a person again , and not just a wife, in his eyes and most of all in YOURS, the dynamics in this marriage are inevitably gonna change. Maybe for better , or maybe for worse - at least you'll get the push you need to leave this comfy but very unhappy nest.
If you don't love the guy at all. anymore.. why don't you just divorce ? If you have no income, he'll have to provide economically for you, I guess. Even if less generously than now. In any case , no love no affection no respect a heavy porn addiction... that's too much to accept in exchange for some security.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Two questions...
1) Why would you date someone 19 years older than you?
2) More importantly, why would you get married to someone you only knew for roughly 3 months?
I'm sorry, but you kind of brought this on your self to get involved with someone who has so much baggage to deal with, so fast. My advice would be to just leave - there seems like no hope here and it's too much to deal with. You're still young and there's a world of life out there to enjoy.
Besides, do you really want to be with someone who, when you're 50, can get senior discounts?
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