A
female
age
41-50,
*isledgirl
writes:I'm a divorced mom of 2 children. Single for almost 3 years now. I am tall, thin, athletic, and would consider myself a 7.5 – 8, however, six nights a month doesn’t really allow a lot of free time to date.About 7 months ago, I met a very cute cop, he responded to a call in my neighborhood. He flirted, I flirted back, and he asked for my number. We started texting, talking... all day every day for a month. Every one of my free nights he would take me to dinner, drinks, we’d go to Home Depot in the middle of the day hand in hand. Relationship was a very nice, taking slow, meaning we had only kissed. FFS, we were even talking about children! He asked me if I wanted more, he was totally on board with that. He knew I was divorced and have young children so I thought he was respecting my situation, and as a result was taking slow. And anyone in my position knows how hard dating is as a single mom – no free time, especially very little private time. Until I met him, I was resolved to the fact that I would not find someone to give my heart to, and was focused solely on being a mother. And I was okay with that. Then when I wasn’t looking, bam, cute single cop that I just happen to meet one night. Must be fate, yes? No.After 4 weeks and 2 days, one night he said "I shouldn't be doing this". I asked why. He replied 'I'm not single' I asked 'girlfriend?' (because there wasn't a ring on his finger)... and he replied 'married'. I backed away, went in my house and cut it off... I was crushed, completely crushed. it was the night before Easter, I was in a great mood, completely smitten, and was falling for him. Correction, I had fallen for him. I'm was so hurt. After nearly 3 years I finally found someone that made my heart skip a beat, and a month in tells me he's married. what the hell???!! I break it off, full stop, goodbye.He's married, has 3 children and is still pursuing me. I've seen him a few times over the past seven months... and I keep pushing him away, but then I have my weak moments. I love the way he holds me, kisses me. And then again, I tell him, 'this is over, don't text or call me anymore'... and then a month later I run into him somewhere again, we look at each other, and it resumes. I was driving today, and his cruiser was across from mine at an intersection…. So I am having a weak moment yet again. As he just texted me.I have no delusions that he will ‘leave his wife’ for me… I’m not completely stupid in this situation. My question is this. What’s the real reason he didn’t wear his ring? Why did he pick me up at my house and take me out on dates in the town where we both live? Dinner, drinks, to Home Depot in the middle of the day… (again, all that happened prior to me finding out he was married) Is he trying to get caught? Is he trying to ruin his marriage? Is he trying to ruin his reputation in this town? I already know it will ruin mine as well. Can someone please explain why someone would do this, and even now, still pursue me? He presented himself as single. He knew I was single (divorced) and have young children. Why? Tell me why? I want to be smitten, to be held, to be loved. I fell for him, hard, and it’s hard to come back from that.I’d appreciate any feedback. Feeling very vulnerable right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2016): It's simple, he takes his ring off so it's easier to lure women in. As a single mum he knew you wouldn't be able to see a lot of him so 6 dates in a month is easy to pass off as work or drinks with the boys to his wife. He told you after a month because he knew he'd got you then and he also felt he'd get caught out sooner or later either by you or his wife. It worked well though didn't it? You keep coming back for more.
You need to stop all contact as you will continue to hurt yourself, your reputation will be mud and there's no future in it.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (8 October 2016):
 I think he is an experienced cheater and you're not the only one he's cheating on his wife with. He is using your vulnerability to get some action on the side. He knew exactly how to play you and he enjoys the thrill of the chase and the sneaking around. I think you will end up getting hurt / disappointed by him. It's OK if you want to be with him, but don't put all your eggs in his basket. Date other people. Allow yourself to open up to other guys who are single and able to offer the same thing he is giving you on a full time basis as a partner. Don't put your life on hold for him. Get out there and start dating other guys.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2016):
 You know I find your situation very sucky for you but also very curious. I'm sorry if I seem a little hard on you, but you are part of this mess, YOU made some bad choices here too.
YOU are allowed to let emotions rule you to a point where you claim to have "no control" or "weak moment" about keep seeing him, but he... is not. Wouldn't you call that a double standard?
He withheld VITAL information (that he was married). Yet you now continue to IGNORE said VITAL information, so how is YOUR behavior any better than his at this point?
You don't give a SINGLE shit about his wife and 3 kids and obviously, neither does he!
I don't see you have any high ground here at all. Your affair is BASED on a lie but you CHOOSE to continue to be the mistress. Why is that? YOU get something out of this.
But back to him...
My guess is, this guy has cheated MULTIPLE times. He knows the drill. He might not wear a ring for many reasons, one of them being safety. Another is that AS a "successful" serial cheater he knows most women would pick up in that.
As a single mom, you are an "easier" target in some men's eyes. You will be a LOT less available than a single woman with no kids. So you won't expect as much as the single gal, as far as his time. Basically... you might settle for less.
People like this guy, who probably is a serial cheater, has perfected his "hunt" for "prey" in the form of what type of women seems easier to manipulate. Actually, it's kind of classic narcissistic tendencies. He does what he wants, who he wants and when he wants. He is VERY good at reading people.
My question to you is this, HOW can you still claim you have feelings for a piece of scum like this? Think about what he is doing to his wife and kids for a moment. He puts his WIFE at risk for STD/STI (not saying you have any, but he wouldn't give a single F about that would he?) Nor would he care about your health, your reputation or your safety. My guess is the minute this comes out and his wife finds out, YOU will be painted as a crazy stalker psycho who pursued him.
You had the smarts to tell him I'm done, so why not stick to that? That fact that YOU have been single a long while is not an excuse. YOU as a single mom should think of your kids. Do you really think this affair in any way shape or form will benefit them?
Take some responsibility here.
BLOCK his number, if you see him in the street you keep on going. Regard him as a guy with the plague. Nothing he has done has been honest or from the heart, it was ALL a scheme to get in your pants. Maybe that will give you a little more perspective....
Learn from this. Now you know that NOT every guy out there is who he claims to be. So go slow. Get to know a guy, after all, at some point HE might be introduced to your kids, so he NEEDS to be SAFE to bring him, he NEEDS to be a quality man.
You (INITIALLY) did nothing WRONG here. You met a guy, you flirted, you gave him your number and started getting involved. It kind of sounds like how MANY real relationships start, except.... in this case he wasn't truthful, he wasn't single. He played the part of a busy single guy to get you soundly hooked. AND IT WORKED!
There is NOTHING to stop you from cutting this affair off - RIGHT NOW. Block, delete and IGNORE. Trust me, he will find someone else to prey on.
If you continue this affair, it is as MUCH on your head as it is on his. Because you KNOW now that he lied and manipulated you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 October 2016):
 Oh sweetheart. This is so sad. And so hard. And so unfair. Sending big hugs. You already know that the only person who can answer all these questions is the one you have fallen for. I hate to tell you this, but the reason most men cheat is because they CAN. Pure and simple. They can have a lovely wife at home, fabulous sex life at home, lovely kids and home, yet they will see another woman they fancy and some of them just have a sense of entitlement, that they have a right to have whatever they want. WRONG on so many levels - for you, for his wife and for his kids. You say you have "fallen" for him. HOWEVER, and this is a BIG HOWEVER, You fell for the man you THOUGHT he was, not the one he turned out to be in reality. He is a cheat and a liar. Bottom line. No matter how expert he is at holding you and kissing you - and remember he does the same with his wife and possibly with other women - he is still a liar and a cheat. If he were to leave his wife for you and form a relationship with you, could you ever trust him? I bet you couldn't. Wonderful as he seems, he is not free for you to fall for. You sound like a lovely lady. Find yourself a lovely man and leave this lying cheat to go back to his poor wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2016): Unfortunately I was in a similar situation in my 30s. Like you, divorced, I was somewhat disillusioned with dating until I met a guy where I swim. We went out to lunch and on a few evening dates. I only found out when a women who I became friends with at the pool told me. I was stunned and confronted him but all I got was the usual "My wife doesn't understand me" and "I'm just staying for the kids" - all the usual BS. I stopped all communication. He then started coming round trying to make out he was madly in love with me or something - again all BS.Why do people do it? Boredom, attention seeking, a rough patch in their marriage or a need for some excitement etc. Not everyone cares about their reputation and it's still true that women are viewed more harshly when it comes to affairs.Like you I was very upset as apart from anything else he seemed like a nice guy looking for a relationship. The thing that enraged me the most was the lying. Not just about his status but in EVERY conversation we must have had about his whole life and any future we had.Please don't fall into the trap of letting this guy make you think that you are so special and he's so mesmerised by you that he cannot control himself. He's a grown man in his 30s with a wife and 3 kids not a teenager.Also remember when you're tempted how it must be for his wife. Either naively thinking her husband is at work or with his mates when he's sweet talking another woman. Or, if she's aware of what he's up to, tearing her hair out with anxiety or in denial because she feels trapped.You're right to think he won't leave his wife and even if he did you couldn't trust him knowing he might be off at the drop of a hat.You deserve so much better than this, a man that respects you and can give you commitment. He isn't that man because he's deceitful, selfish and living in a fantasy world.
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