A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok.....this is a realllllllly long one but m DESPERATE for help.4 yrs ago i got in touch with this awesome guy n we really hit it off. he is 3 yrs elder to me.... n we've been togther for over 3 n half yrs now....n its always been in a long distance relationship. we live in two diff cities bout 5 hrs away n my family doesnt know abt him n i cant meet him out often if he even does come to town. however we spend every nite talkin to each other over the phone for atleast 2 hrs.he's d first official bf in my life.... but he has had a gf before me....of course he would since he is elder to me... but i've always been insecure. so so insecure.i asked him abt her n he said dat with her he didnt know what ove was.....kissin her was a mechanical thing....it never meant anythin.he kept telling me dis stuff n i believed him. 2 yrs ago his ex started callin him again n we had a major row over it n i asked him to choose.n he chose me.....but she called me n said that he's had phone sex with her....when my bf particularly denied it a million times even tho he swore on his dad bout it....he said he was never serious bout her.....dat it was just a fling.today i went thru his account(yes i know his passwords) he has allowed me to freely check up on dis stufff whenever i need. i found a folder in his account named after him...so i went thru it....it has all d mails dat he's ever sent her....now when i had earlier questioned him regardin another account havin all her mails in them in a folder named "trash" he said its so dat i can keep a watch n not fite with him over it.fair enough till there.....een i believed dat if it was somethin to be hidden he wud have deleted the mails.today i saw mails sent durin the period they were goin out n all of them are:how am i goin to live without u?marry me sooni'll never leave u alonesuch type of mails.m really confused.....i dunno what to think or what to believe. i really feel dat he loves me alot....n i trust him as well bt wat if its just a fling to him now also??i mean he hasn't made a folder keepin all my mails with him...m i not important enough to him??what if she was his one true love n m just temp till she comes back into his life.this guy is my everythin...m quite family oriented n i dream of us bein together forever....gettin married soon. but m feelin really really scared.please tell me what to do. this guy has been my first kiss...n i lost my virginity to him as well..... in the past 3 n half yrs we've had phone sex multiple times but rite now m feelin lik shit.i see only two possibilities before me.... marryin a random guy just to end the pain....or kill myself.please tell me what to do....why did he lie to me bout the way he felt for her? today he says he loves me bt tom if he tells some other girl dat i was nothin then??m really stressed out n i have my term end exams soon.tell me how to talk to him?? how to handle this situation....what to think what to feel. m so stressed my entire body is trembling.please tell me what to do.please. any advice is welcome.please
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, crispap  +, writes (25 October 2009):
The emails you found "how am I going to live without you?" and all that were things HE sent to her or mail she sent to him? If it was all her than you may not have anything to worry about. Just because she is obsessed with him doesn't mean he has any real feelings for her. He may have kept the folder just because it makes him feel good and confident to have proof that other women want him. He may be insecure or even wanted you to see them to make you jealous.
However...if HE was sending her mail than that means he is not over her and has you as a backup just in case it doesn't work out with her. If that's the case you need to pull away and show him that you are serious and that he WILL lose you if he doesn't make a choice! Even if you have to Pretend that you met someone else do it! If he get's scared of losing you, begs you back, and deletes her from his mail and life then you will know that his feelings for you are true. Be yourself, be beautiful, and confident and make HIM want YOU! Even if he has some feelings for the other girl he will soon forget them if things are good enough with you, but only if he really cares for you and is worth it. NOT if he is cheating and lying to you!
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