A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I have a question. Please can you enlighten me on this.I have had a series of bad relationships with emotionally abusive men. I know this is to do with my self esteem which I am currently working on by going to see a therapist every week, but my issue is this. Why cant't I distinguish between love and sex? When the sex is good in a relastionship , even if the man is bad , I tend to stay, even though he may be treating me terribly. I always remember the sex, and go back for more, even when I am down and fed up with him. Please can someone tell me if sex is only good when you have feelings for that person? or can it work like you do not have feelings for that person, but the sex can still be great? How does this map out? I know this is the root of my problem, and want to know how other people view it? Does a person only have good sex when they have feelings for them? I have had good sex with people that I do not have 'love' feelings for, so how can this make sense? or does the sex feel better when you become emotionally attached to someone? This has not been the case for me, as I can detach to, and still have a great time. I am currently trying to extract myself from a man I know is bad for me, but the thought of him having sex with someone else drives me nuts and makes me feel sick. even though I should not care, and it pulls me back to him. I always think of the great times we had in bed, and that is mostly what keeps me. Why is this? it;s not 'normal' and healthy I know, but I have always found him physically attractive, even though I have to leave him. This is not the first time it has happened. How do you seperate the two things? or are they one thing and develop from love? How does this work?Can feelings develop from good sex? or is it the other way round? I am unable to undersatnd the difference , and my jealousy and sex thoughts are keeping me trapped in bad relastionships with emotionally abusive men. Thanks. M xx
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emotionally abusive, jealous, self esteem, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): it is virtually impossible to meet the same type of character again and again. I don`t intend upsetting you,could you somehow be mixing up "emotionally abusive" with "objecting to certain behavior"? Often,when the other side of the story is told it paints a different picture.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. it seems only a couple of readers. eg: Victoria and Daneiel got the questions properley. This is a complex area - not just ' sex' for sex sake. Thanks anyway. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): I would find it very personal to let a man, who I have no emotional attachment with, see my body and to mix bodily fluids. I don t know how some women can spread them self without any feelings to that man,no respect for their body..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): If feelings develop through sex it is more likely to be the female. The male is only there because its guaranteed. If you are not able to keep a man waiting,you are less likely to be able to seperate the good from the bad.By the way you say it,its like sex is your main focus in life and if its that bad your behavior will be that of a man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI all, thanks for your answers. Anon- I;'m afraid you have the wrond end of the stick., It runs a bit deeepr than sleeping around ( whic I don;t), but thanks for taking the time to answer . No watered down, Yes, I had not thought of that re: I will put up with anything to get it, and that these men are actually picking me!! definetley something to think about. Victoria, yes, there are lots of equations, nothing is that simple , and i have experienced that same. Daneil Pew - yuo are right in saying I cannot beat around the bush and need to leave. Thank you all for your insights. They are most helpful. :o)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): "Why cant't I distinguish between love and sex?"
There are many reasons, and your therapist is the only one who can help you.
However, they can't help you if you don't really open up, and I do mean "really" open up. That means no lies, no evasions, no hiding anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): For your age you sound very mixed up. You can detatch your feelings just to have sex,or do you accept being used because its all there is on offer? If you want a man who is respectable,then why dont you be more respectasble? If this is you,then there is no way a nice guy will ever feel secure with you,he will see you as an easy screw.I hope you dont have any daughters that your lifestyle could reflect upon. Carry on with your therapy before a reputation stops anyone wanting anything more than relief. There is more to relationships than sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): How jealousy hurts,it cuts both ways. If you have sex, dont expect your ex wont.You say a series of abusive guys,if you show your jealousy,it could be they will see you as being emotionally abusive too. I believe that sex becomes better all the time if you love each other and you learn what each other like. I find it impossible to go to bed with a guy without some emotional attachment,and I don`t separate love and sex. I notice girls who do it too quick attract guys for the wrong reasons. I don`t know why everyone is described as emotionally abusive? surely not every one of them? There`s an element of confusion as it comes across that you sleep with guys for sex hoping its good so you decide who to fall in love with. Why is everything to do with sex?
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here!  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Besides your #LOWSELFESTEEM. You’re getting what you want which is SEX, not caring about what you have to go through to get, which is sad! Once you learn to love yourself all this will change.Abusive men are very good at "picking" women who will be more accepting of abuse. Your not picking them perse, they are picking you.
The inablity to seperate sex and love for women is evolutionary. At the beginning of time there were no paternity tests, i's in the soul of a woman to love a man after having sex with him to ensure paternity. I believe that it is unnatural for a woman to "not fall in love" with her partner.
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A
female
reader, victory202 +, writes (8 February 2011):
 I have experienced great sex with a man who treats me poorly and yet I loved him. I've experienced a poor sex life with a man I did not love but he loved me. I have experienced great sex with a man who loved me and I loved him. I have experienced poor sex with a man who I loved and he loved me. So you see it can go many different ways. If you are not being treated right run!!! because there is no point going to therapy if your gonna let someone mistreat you. Do you enjoy being treated like the special, beautiful woman that you are? sex is great but it only last but so long, a man who treats you right and excites you can give you feelings that you will feel even when you are not with him. I also learned that in order for any sexual encounter to reach its highest potential both people involved should be open to teaching each other what they like. So dont be scared about not having great sex you know what pleases you and nothing creates a bond between you and your guy like showing him how to make you weak with desire for him. You dont have to seperate sex and love, thats why when we fall in love its with one person, one whole person, there's nothing to seperate. Those times that you had great sex, did you feel anything for that person? Your normal, you keep going back because the sex is great!!! After having great sex try leaving immediately after see if that helps. I find laying around in bed, pillow talk etc etc can create an illusion and make you think and feel things that are not real. Nothings wrong with getting great sex it can be hard to find sometimes, try thinking of it as the drive thru at a fast food restaurant get it and go!!!!! At least until you find a guy who is worth your time and wants to treat you right and contribute to your happiness.
Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 A man may be the wrong person to answer this question, because men don't have any trouble at all distinguishing sex from love. You know, sex is sex, the physical act only, and love is love, and it may even not include the physical act. This isn't something a man needs to even bother thinking about.
I have met some women who are quite capable of distinguishing sex and love, and they actually do. You say you're one of them.
In my experience, sex does not give you feelings. It might make you wish for more sex, but feelings come from elsewhere. I think this is the case for everyone. I've heard that women give sex to get love, and maybe this is your case.
Don't worry: many, many people feel what you feel about their loved one having sex (not even the great kind of it) with someone else.
But, if you're aware that the man is bad for you, you just need to think straight and do whatever it takes to leave. Don't beat around the bushes.
Good luck.
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