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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm having major problems in my marriage with my wife because of my father-in-law. The guy is a creep. He's a playboy and loves carousing around with women of all ages. My wife on the other hand still calls him regularly and sees him regularly and says that she loves him. Apparently he's always been respectful and loving to her and gave her a good childhood. At least thats what she says.Whenever I try to show her what a loser her father is she ends up sticking up for him!!! We then get into a huge fight in which she sometimes cries. Its probably our most contentious issue.Why can't she just see what a low-life he is. I mean why does she insist on having such a person in our life? How can I convince her to see her father as the loser he is? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 December 2006):
 He may be a loser. He might not have a great idea of how to be a good man. If it's a touchy subject though, why do you bring it up? It will only start problems. Unless this guy is affecting your relationship directly, let him do as he pleases. If he's single he's entitled to date who he pleases. I'm not going to say you've got personal issues to deal with but he's done something to you that bothered you and you'd be better off to figure out what it was and deal with that fact. As for your wife, that's her dad. Unless he's a total CREEP, she's probably going to have an attachment to him that you can't break. Be careful blood is thicker that water.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): Apparently he HAS had a positive influence in her life - you met her and fell in love with her and got married.
We're not "siding" with her; we're trying to point out what is likely to happen if you continue on this course.
And yes, once married, your spouse should come first. You, however, are pushing your own judgment about her father onto her. In other words, you are putting your agenda of disapproval/dislike of her father BEFORE HER thoughts and feelings about him. Or, to put it another way, you are putting YOURSELF first.
Why is this issue so important to you that you cannot see this? Why can't you stop insisting on getting your own way (to drive a wedge between her and her father)? Because that is what you are attempting. Beware of alienating her from him! Because, my friend, if you succeed, the price you pay may be that she will hate you as well.
Is that what you want?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): Yes, Spouses come first but the spouse also needs to be understanding, supportive, willing to go the extra mile, forgiving...forgiving.
Listen. Who are you to "show" your wife how much of a loser her Father is. And ouch. She loves him. He is her Father and although far from perfect and even further from perfection in your eyes...she chooses to love him as is.
I imagine that your wife is very sensitive, very trusting, very honest and open and these are the traits that drew her to you. DER!
So why are you NOW dead set against changing her. Yes, you are.
Why are you putting your relationship in "kill mode" by unfairly asking her to choose YOU or HIM?
This usually is a sign of major insecurities and controlling issues. I said usually to give you an out; I showed mercy.
Have you thought of couples counselling? No...not brainwashing but counselling. I think it is in order.
Why do you feel threatened by her Father? You don't? Hmm, denial isn't going to solve your issues.
Do you hate your Father? Are you perhaps projecting your non relationship of an absent Father figure unto your wife?
When you married your wife; I gaurantee that she was not signing on for tossing everyone out of her life for you because you deem it necessary to satisfy your own hidden agenda.
You are not being fully honest when you come on here and ask for support in HATING a man your wife deems worthy of her love.
Hey..aren't you a man she deems worthy of her love?
Please Say Father Christmas left you gift certificates for some individual counselling and do say that you are wise enough to get the two of you into some couples counselling ASAP.
*Looks at the huge and nasty chip on Dude's shoulder*
Take it easy and work on being more forgiving so you both can begin enjoying one another and loving one another the way it was intended.
Oh...do pick up Stephen R. Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" and read it WITH your wife.
Hope Your New Year's sees you more happy and fulfilled in being a loving Husband your Wife so needs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): I'm surprised that you guys are siding with her and not me. I mean after marriage doesn't your spouse come first, instead of your parents, especially a loser like my wifes father? I mean seriously, what positive influence can he have in her life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): The other "aunts" are right: your wife's father IS her father and she loves him. You will almost certainly earn her enduring resentment by trying to alienate her from her Dad.
You are implying, too, that her judgment in regard to her father and the way he lives his life, is poor. This is bound not to "sit" well with her, you know.
You criticize him for dating a lot of women. Well, so what? Unless he has one steady woman friend and is not "supposed" to be seeing anyone else, what does it matter? Surely it is between him and the ladies he goes out with!
Stop trying to convince her. Just drop the subject entirely, and stay away from the odd critical remark about her father or lifting your eyes and sighing (even if you don't actually make a remark) when she mentions him!
When you happen to see him, at least be polite.
In short, don't be so judgmental.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (26 December 2006):
 Your wife is very close with her dad, there is nothing wrong with that.
Regardless of what/how he is as a person, he is still her dad. Blood is thicker than water.
Please try to respect your wifes wishes to have her dad in her life. You cannot change this. Even if you did, with her dad gone, she would resent you forever.
Why does it bother you so much? If you did not have a close relationship with your parents, it does not mean that everyone doesn't. Try to be supportive and understanding, her dad may not be around for long. But now you have the choice not to affect your marriage.
Sometimes in live we have to do things we may not entire like but have to compromisse with. This is one of them.
You may not like your father in law and so what if he is a sleaze ball, you are not married to him but now he is your family too.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): Irish49 is absolutely right. Trying to come between your wife and her father will only make your marriage miserable. You may
question the morality of your father-in-law's womanizing ways, but the truth of the matter is that he has no obligation to share the details of his romantic escapades with you, your daughter, or anyone else (I'm assuming the man's not married, of course). Your father's private life is none of your business. You may not like seeing a different woman on his arm each time you see him, but you owe it to your wife to tolerate it and keep your mouth shut.
For what it's worth, I think many people would agree that it's perfectly acceptable for the man to enjoy the company of as many women as he chooses, and that becoming a bit of a playboy later in life certainly does not mean that he was a poor father to your wife. She obviously loves him, and for #%*@'s sakes, it's not as though his coming around and asking to borrow money or crash on your couch!
I think the bigger issue here may be an attempt to control your wife. You cannot dictate who she does and does not love, and each time you try you'll only push her further away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2006): There is absolutely 'nothing' you can do, dear and if you are trying to persuade her differently, you are stepping over a line. You need to step back and keep your feelings about her father to yourself. This would be the wisest thing to do because your interference may cost you, your marriage. You may not like him but if you dearly love your wife then the most gracious loving thing you can do best for her...is learn real hard, to accept (unconditionally) that her love for her Dad is genuine and sincere. You may not believe that he was a good Dad to her growing up, but believe me, if she says he was, he really was. Grown-ups like you make choices to mind their own emotions and responses. Acting like a controlling, self-serving, spoiled little boy who can't get his own way, will not improve your situation. You cannot dictate to her who she can and cannot love. Her father is special, irregardless of his womanizing, etc. She's had him in her life...all of her life. Your wife does not judge her father on those behaviours. She doesn't...plain and simple. She judges him on how he treats her. I know you have an issue with respect for him but you are displaying inappropriate disrespect for your wife by putting her in a position to choose. Stop that. If I were you, I would at best for her sake, have a detached, courteous relationship with him. But ...you need to stop turning this into a power game, with your wife. You will lose this game, believe me. Take care, hun.
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