A
male
age
36-40,
*imbo85
writes:my wife and i have been together for 6 years now. ever since we've been together either her sister, her brother, or her mother is living with us. we've been by ourselves for 5 months out of the 6 years of our relationship. her mother is 41 and she can't support herself. shes addicted to pain killers, shes an ex crack head and takes advantage of me cause she knows that all she has to do is talk to my wife and she'll get me to let her stay. well i just got rid of her a month ago and we have been alone with our two kids for a month. now shes homesick cause she moved to tennesee and she wants to come back. my wife says that she has no one to help her with the kids and shes the only one that will help her. i told my wife when she left that i had enough. that when she leaves thats it shes not coming back. but now she wants to come back and i told my wife that if she comes back i'm leaving i can't put up with it no more. when i told her that she started crying and telling me i'm selfish, and i don't think about anyone but myself. i want to hold myself to my word but my love for my wife is making it hard. what should i do?ok now her mother is not living with us thanks to you guys and it's great right? yea, now what like not even a month later now her sister and her boyfriend doesn't have a place to stay and my wife is asking if they can stay. now they've stayed with us alot in the past and from expierence i know that they never leave. he never gets a job and shes always procrastinating about her rent should i lay the same rules now as i did for her mother? if they come in, i'm leaving. i mean really what is it about this damn family that my wife and i can't just simply be alone? i love my wife with all my heart i just can't seem to just let it go and let things like people moving in with me bother me as much like i used to. i just it to be me, my wife, and my two kids. but i'm starting to think that that is accually never going to happen. i don't know. what should i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, 2b couns  +, writes (10 October 2009):
I would say, you need to sit down and talk to her, tell her how important it is to have your own privacy, how much you love her and want to be with her, and her alone, re-secure her, offer her help around the house and with the kids, it seems like she likes her family being around as if they are giving her support and helping her with the kids.You should tell her this is your house too and how would she feel if you had your family around all the time, remind her that you have made your own family now, which she needs to concentrate on that. You cannot overload the house with other extended families, and that she can visit them when ever, but your home is you, and her and your kids rights, where you need to have peace, relax, chill out with your kids as a new family. You need to do things more together, may be she’s been left alone for long time of week, i.e. you working long time, being away from home, coming back tired, so you may prefer a nap, or you do more of your own activities, going out with your own friends and leaving her behind. If you would get more involved with your family (wife and kids) do things together, then she won’t need her family around.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): I would say, you need to sit down and talk to her, tell her how important it is to have your own privacy, how much you love her and want to be with her, and her alone, re-secure her, offer her help around the house and with the kids, it seems like she likes her family being around as if they are giving her support and helping her with the kids.You should tell her this is your house too and how would she feel if you had your family around all the time, remind her that you have made your own family now, which she needs to concentrate on that. You cannot overload the house with other extended families, and that she can visit them when ever, but your home is you, and her and your kids rights, where you need to have peace, relax, chill out with your kids as a new family. You need to do things more together, may be she’s been left alone for long time of week, i.e. you working long time, being away from home, coming back tired, so you may prefer a nap, or you do more of your own activities, going out with your own friends and leaving her behind. If you would get more involved with your family (wife and kids) do things together, then she won’t need her family around.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (9 October 2009):
I remember your previous post, and I am beginning to have a question for you... Is your wife a first generation immigrant? Perhapse from an asian country? This sort of familial obligation is not normal for this westernized culture, but that is not necessarily so in other places in the world.
I would, however, tell you the same thing I told you before. You have been MORE than generous, and have thought of your wife FIRST for the last 6 years. Tell her exactly that. To her face. It is HER turn to put your marriage and your life together as a couple first. Make that point very clear.
If, in the face of those thoughts, she still insists you are being selfish and cries, then she is deliberately manipulating you.
In such a case, I would personally be very, very angry. Love of my life or not, nobody has the right to treat me with such blatant disrespect. While I am not in any way a violent, nor verbally abusive person, I can be very unpleasant if I have to be. You very well may also need to learn to be unpleasantly stern in insisting that YOU are worthy of HER respect.
If she cannot learn to respect you as an equal, a partner, and as the single most important person in her life, then you need to separate and very seriously consider divorce.
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