A
female
age
51-59,
*lackdalia
writes:I have been married for 15 years and have 2 beautiful children with my husband. Unfortunately, my pregnancies were not easy, 4 pregnancies, cyst removal on one of my ovaries, 2 miscarriages between my 2 successful ones, no natural birth only c-sections. When i am pregnant is it a total nightmare, i get very sick and i have to stop working... After 2 children i decided it was the end for me, no more. My husband always wanted to have a big family (4 kids) but with the difficult pregnancies i did not know how it would happen. To make sure i would get pregnant again my doctor installed an IUD the Mirena wich got me very sick, terrible periods of 10 days long, for over a year, they installed it twice but no success i couldn't take it anymore i had to remove it... I asked my husband to do a vasectomy, he refused (of course)I used mechanical contraception but after 6 years, i got pregnant AGAIN and i wanted absolutely to have an abortion. I forgot to mention that during my last pregnancy my husband was unfaithful with MANY WOMEN and when my son was my born we got separated for a while (few months) i was devastated and the children were so young, i did not know how to handle it. With the help of conselling and a couple therapist we worked it out but it was VERY HARD to trust him again. After all these years i do not regret all the efforts we made to save our marriage. But i did not want to have any more children again. When if found out i was pregnant again, I decided to have an abortion and told my husband. He said that if he was in another country he would FORBID me and FORCE me to keep the child but he here has no choice, no rights. During the weeks i was waiting for my apointment my husband was very sweet and supportive but the day before the apointment he changed completely and was cold, mean and distant. When i returned home from the abortion (i went alone)he made things very difficult for me and i cannot take it anymore. I do not regret making this decision, i did want to have another baby. I called a private clinic to have a tubal ligation since my husband refuses to have a vasectomy... Why making our lives a nightmare when we have already 2 beautiful children and why he doesn't want to understand i have been through a lot, it is enough now? I told him that if he continues this way there is no reason for us to be together anymore, i will leave. I do not see any other solution, can someone help me with some advice?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Take him with you next time you go and see you gynaecologist, they can explain due to your medical history why another child would be painful to you. He may not believe you, but he'll believe it when a doctor says the same thing.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 April 2010):
The problem is your husband doesn't understand the pain you went though. You were the one who was actually pregnant, suffered the miscarriages, is sick, and to top it all off had several affairs. He actually seems to have very little affection or care about you at all. I happen to think that on this occasion you were right to have the abortion, because there are obviously problems in your marriage, and I think your life could have been put in danger give the problems you've already had. You are being sensible, and you're thinking about the children you have. What he said about being able to force you to have the child in another country isn't true either. Those are just words. It may be worth you looking at having your ovaries tied off to make sure you can't get pregnant again. It might spell the end of your marriage, but to be honest your husband seems to have no love or respect for you at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is so strange to me because I am in a very similar state. I had terrible pregnancies (we have 2 kids too) just like you, and was told I would probably hemorage and die along wih the baby if I became pregnant again. My boyfriend wants more babies, and it upsets me because I feel that he doesnt care about the risk to my health. He doesnt want a vasectomy and i am too young to convince a doctor to do permanent sterization on me. I have also resolves that if I become pregnant i would have an abortion. he acts like he would support me, but i know deep down he wouldn't.
The cheating is a whole different story. I'm sorry to say this to you, but it seems like he has no respect for you or concern for your well being (physically & emotionally). You are a team and you have to be on the same page. if he wants to have tons of kids and you are finished after 2, then a compromise must be reached. Obviously in this case, he has to accept that he will only have 2 kids, and be thankful that they are wonderful and healthy! If he cannot live with that reality, than you two may have fundamental differences that can't be resolved. He needs to decide. period. Let him know that if he loves you he has to accept every bit of you, including the bit that cannot have more children.
I wish I had a genius solution to offer. We agreed that I would get a copper IUD for a few years, and if I still don't want more kids he will get a vasectomy. I was looking into permanent b/c and came across a new alternative to ligation called Essure. It seems too good to be true but it is. if you are considering permanent sterization you should do some research on this product.
http://www.essure.com/
Good luck with whatever decision you make. remember that the most important thing is you health and happiness.
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A
female
reader, Polaroid93 +, writes (14 April 2010):
Your husband can't understand what you went through. He just gets joy at the end he doesn't have to go through it all- you need to tell him that
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 I feel you should get your tube tied. Why are you asking your husband for a vasectomy if he has express to you his feeling on this topic. He obviously wants more kids and you getting the abortion was probably a hit below the belt because as a couple I feel it was a decision that was to be made between two. You want no more kids because of your difficulty in pregnancies than you should go ahead with the tubal ligation you don't need his signature and because of your age you should have no problem getting a doctor to perform this procedure you. A marriage is about trust, appreciation, love, respect, and I think you two are lacking in a lot of area that are vital in a marriage.
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