A
female
age
51-59,
*hippy2
writes:I cant get over this HELP! My bf starting seeing someone else when my mother was dying and I was out of town. I know I should not want to be with him and in my head I can see that he was using me and wasnt kind. But I miss the playfulness and sense of humor that we shared and doing things together.We werent to matched sexually either cause I wanted to explore and wanted it more and he was kinda uptight about that.But now he has the woman he met living with him! He and I were together 4 yrs and he has been texting me all along since May when my mom died. I don't get it - is it that we both cant give it up? He texts me for sex and I say no but i did give in and see him twice. - no intercourse. What is wrong with me? He now has been texting me and we have sex text but he never even follows thru with that? I told him he cant possible care for her or me.Or even himself for that matter.How do I once and for all end this agony? I just want to do the fun things - we traveled well and could talk for hours - but now I see how he lies and is not a good father to his children and deals drugs AND why is this woman living there? Is she just a maid? I know they have sex My therapist and friends say it doesnt matter I am a good woman and he is manipulative and he is poison.Do you all agree? Shouldnt I have some hope 4 fun?My heart just can't let the good stuff go - I had gotten out of an abusive marriage before I met him.Thanks so much for any advice
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Just cut contact with him. If he persists, tell him you need to be left alone now.
Frankly you need to take time out, wait as you said, and when the time is right find someone who's normal and has all the character traits that show you he's worth your time and effort.
This man that you're describing he will do nothing but tear you down over-and-over again. He's poison as you, your friends and your therapist all said.
A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (11 October 2009):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your thoughts. He actually txtd me today to see if I could meet him when he left the house!
Then HE called me and proceeded to tell me about what THEY did last night and that he had to hurry cause THEY all had plans tonight! THEY being his kids (12 and 14 yr old girls) and him and her.
His girls want to live with him - cause he spends money on them instead of fathering and he told me this woman has moved in to help him. She is looking for a job close by - she has only known him since May - she doesnt work now. He met her online and she is from out of town. He has a custody hearing in November
He said they are not serious - just dating. Huh? I said so you are telling me that you want to stay in contact with me and have her live there and play house so you can try to get custody of the girls?
He thinks that is OK. I do want to travel with him - he and I have gone to Jamaica the last 4 yrs.
So you are saying that I should just cut contact. How do I do that exactly? Do I tell him that on second thought I deserve better? I only live 5 houses away - which makes no difference really - neither of us stalks the other.
OK everyone tells me HE WILL NOT CHANGE even if he realizes he loves me - He has been so disrespectful that I could never trust him. But I keep thinking what if he does want to try the things that he sex txts me? Cant I ever be his friend? Should I want to?
I just am not interested in dating anyone else - I guess that is ok - I should get to love myself and savor the wait and be ready for someone to adore me - I have many talents and am pretty and can do all kinds of things about the house repairs and such. Lol
Please tell me HOW to cut contact - Does it have to be forever? I guess so - No trust and I met him at a bad time as you said -
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 October 2009):
The problem here is that you met him after you came out of an ausive relationship. When people leave abusive relationships, their confidence is so low that they have a terrible habit of finding someone else who is just as abusive. You have done just that. You got away from one bad guy, and walked into the arms of another. You know that this guy is hurting you, you know that he's bad. Even your friends and therapist are warning you that you're getting hurt. I know that you can't let the good stuff go. But look at the bad stuff here. He's LIVING with another woman!! He texts you for SEX and nothing else at all. He's using you for himself and that's it. You're the one left picking up pieces here. He's not worth another second of your time, so stop all contact now! You're a fantastic woman and you deserve better than this. Take your time going through your feelings with your therapist, understand yourself, then when you're ready, you'll find a great guy who'll actually love you. Don't be this guys toy. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 October 2009):
What you just said sums it up:
"[B]ut now I see how he lies and is not a good father to his children and deals drugs AND why is this woman living there? Is she just a maid? I know they have sex.
My therapist and friends say it doesn't matter I am a good woman and he is manipulative and he is poison."
You sound like a perfectly good and decent girl, one that any decent guy would love to be with. You want to explore, you enjoy traveling, having fun, laughing, playfulness. You're the kind of woman a man would experience so much joy with. And instead the man you were seeing is a user, ignores the needs of his children, deals drugs, lives with a woman who he is using, and wants to have sex with you too.
Your therapist and friends are right ..... HE'S POISON!
I am so sorry for you. There are so many men out there that would not only appreciate being with you, but would probably adore you to no end. Your ex is definitely the loser here. Not you.
Forget about him and move on. Your entire life is ahead of you, and the sooner you get away from that wretched poison the sooner you will find a man who will dedicate his heart to you.
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