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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I know it's long, hope someone wants to read it though..I really want to get back with my ex boyfriend who I had 5 years ago (at this time i was 15 and he was 19). He was my first love and I was his, we had a wonderful relationship and we were so in love with either, but after 6 months being togheter, I made a HUGE mistake wich I regret everyday..I choosed another man over him and I know, it was a very BAD mistake :( I tried to get back togheter with him after this happend but he was really hurted by me. I knew how much he loved me, he did everything to me and I was a total jerk doing this to him, I was young and stupid :( So to make the history a ''little'' shorter, he met a new girl after some time (about 7-8 months later). But I have always tried to make contact with him on msn or by texting and calling him under this time because he is a very special guy to me. We spoked with either sometimes, mostly me because I really wanted him back, but at this time he was in another relationship. (He stilled would answer some of my calls and texts though) But I think i was to pushy against him just because I felt so bad and I wanted him back, so then he told my mom that I needed to quit contact him, so I did. After that I was going abroad and we didn't have any contact for about 5 months or something. He and his new gf broked up (their relationship didn't last very long, but I still don't know what caused it) Me and my ex started talking this year again (2011)and he replied nicely to me in msn but then again, he brought up what happend with this guy 5 years ago and he gets angry about it, why would he still do that after all this time? It is nothing that I'm proud of! I also met him one time this June when i was going home from a club but still he avoided me and wouldn't talk to me, only to my sister and my friends. My sister told him to atleast give me a hug and he agreed to that. So the next day I wrote him a mail on fb and told him that I was happy to see him again after all this time (he didn't respond back), at this time I was blocked on fb by him (I wrote the msg from my moms fb). But for 2 months ago he unblocked, but blocked me again after some days later, I think just because I always gets so pushy and start writing him a lot of messages (I know i shouldn't do that, It's just hard when you want someone). Well at this time he got online on msn and he wanted to see me on my webcam (I agreed to that). We started talking for a bit and he was nice to me and he also told me that my hair looked nice but then he just told me he was busy and later he logged off msn, it's just like he changes from acting hot and cold towards me, why is he doing that all the time? Why can't he just talk to me? I'm a changed girl and I would never ever do what I did again, I really love this man and I miss him all the time, It's really killing me inside :( I have sent him some mails where I have explain my love for him and everything that has happend between us (I know he have read them aswell). But i dont know, he called me up and told me to leave him alone and that he dont want me, also being very rude to me =/ But I just want to know, if he dont have any feelings for me then why is he acting this way, I mean if he really don't have any feelings left for me then why is he always need to be so angry with me? I told him to forgive me but he wont! Is it his pride that makes him this way? (He is also very STUBBORN!) Why is he starting to talk with me and now just completely ignores me? What should i do? I really want to get back togheter with him, he is a really good man and I love him so much..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): Poster writing..Thank you for all the GREAT answers that I have received! :)Well..I talked to my ex on the phone the other day and his mood was kinda up and down. I texted him why it have to be this way between us and that I don't want anyone else than him, so he called me up. I told him again that I really wanted to get back with him and how I really feel, but still I don't think he really understands how I feel. He just told me mean stuff like, I hate you and that he likes everybody on this earth except me! I know he doesn't really mean that because he told me some years ago that he hated me and then he told me he was sorry for his bad actions and that he didn't really mean that he hated me. (But again he is doing this). He also said that he didn't want to hear me crying or ''fake crying'' (I was sad on the phone), and that you think i'm stupid, you have been 1000 guys and now you want to be with me?? He really hurts my feelings by saying this because I know I'm a good girl, and this was like 5 years ago, and when you are 15 years old you dont take anything serious, you want to party, hang out with your friends and guys etc..And I wrote to him in one mail (some months ago) and told him that I was young and maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship at that time. So he told me on the phone that he never loved me and that there is a difference between like someone and love someone =S And he also said that he was young aswell! The same thing that I wrote in my mail? Why is he being this immature? I know he just trying to hide his feelings, because I know he really loved me because if he didn't, then he wouldnt do all the things he did for me when we were togheter, he was a truly gentlemen and he treated me like a princess :(:(. So I know he does not really mean it. Then later, I think he was going somewhere while we were talking on the phone, so suddenly I hear this girl in the background, he told this girl ''do you hear?''(If she heard me on the phone) and I asked him, who is there? He didn't respond, then I started crying because it really hurted my feelings that a girl was there with him, and I told him that, I didnt think you would do this to me when you know how much I feel about you, I said that I hated him and that he and this girl can go to hell and then I hung up the phone. I was angry and sad at the same time =/ Since then I haven't talked with him. He made me look like a fool! Why does he want to hurt my feelings like this, he know how much I care about him and he do this to me! =( I won't contact him anymore, if he wants to talk to me, then he have to come to me. I won't be chasing him anymore after he did this to me (I know I broke his heart once, but he knows how it feels to be wounded and now he is doing it to me). I have been crying so much because of this, I know we aren't togheter anymore, but he didn't need to have a girl beside him when he knows how I feel about him. This really hurted my feelings and now it's enough..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 That's simply what happens when you break somebody's trust. You become a different person for them. A person that they may still have some feelings for, that they may still feel attracted to- so they are occasionally tempted to still be around and have trouble cutting all ties- and yet , they know it would be foolish to get back with you , because they cannot trust you and without trust no relationship can thrive.
It's not just about hurt pride, or being stubborn. It's choosing with your brain , not with your heart and senses,and it is , contrariously to popular believe, quite often an excellent choice.
He may very well have forgiven you, in the sense that he does not bring you ill will, does not hold a grudge - but he has not FORGOTTEN. He wisely remembers you aren't the safest bet for the kind of relationship he wants .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): You dated this guy for 6 months, and 5 years later you're still trying to get him back? This isn't love, it's obsession, and by continuing to contact him you're stalking him.
Even though you're sure you want to marry him, he's made it more than clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. You should've realized it the first time he asked you to stop contacting him. And he's asked you to leave him alone how many times now? Sorry to be so brutal, but you need to accept it. If you don't respect his wishes, he might take out a restraining order against you.
Why are you so obsessed with this guy, anyway? This isn't healthy, either for you or for him. Please invest in some counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): This is the poster writing.
So there is nothing more I can do for getting back with my ex bf now? I just don't want to give up all my hopes, I know I have to stop texting him everyday, but it just so hard. This is the man I want to marry and have a family with one day. I really wish we were togheter again :(
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 Sorry but there is no chance of reconnecting with him. He's not hot and cold, he's all cold. You broke his trust. Sometimes it's possible to fix these things and sometimes it's not. This time it is not possible, not now, not in a year, not ever. I had a friend who cheated on his first love and she dumped him. For 6 whole years he pined for her, begging her to forgive him and doing all the exact right things. Occasionally she'd take him back to purposefully torment him (for instance inviting him over while she was hooking up with someone else, etc...) before he finally gave up and moved on. Save yourself the further heartbreak and leave him alone.
I know it's hard to move on, but the only way to do it is stop checking his facebook, stop messaging him. You won't be able to do this through willpower alone, take up a hobby, sign up for classes (dance, knitting, whatever you're interested in) go out with friends. Occupy yourself. It will be hard at first, but not as hard as pining over him forever.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 he is acting this way because he really doesnt have any positive feelings towards you anymore.
Your broke his trust and hurt him very badly. THEN you literally stalked him.... none of these are signs for a healthy relationship. Yes he has feelings for you, he feels hurt, anger, pain and fear. None of those feelings are good.
He has made if very very clear he wants nothing more to do with you. NO romance, NO friendship, NO contact!
To be honest I would be furious if an ex of mine was still getting in touch...who I had asked not to contact me, blocked on social networking sites, and resorted to speaking to their family about their innapropriate contact. I mean, instead of letting things lie, you have even resorted to useing other peopels accounts in order to contact him! Its WRONG, and its frightening.
I'm sure he responded to some of your texts, it sounds like he has explained over and over about how hurt he was and how there is no future for the two of you.
Yes he unblocked you on fb for a little while.... this was because you said it was nice to see him again and didnt put pressure on. The minute you were unblocked, you went right back to your old ways. The same with msn and the webcam. It seems to me that he has been trying to get you to understand he is no longer interested.
He isnt blowing hot and cold, he has made it very clear. Your swinging from desperate ex, to nutty stalker!
I'm sorry for being such a harsh aunty, but you really needed it laying out. Your behaviour is unacceptable at best, and frightening at worst.
I suggest that you stop contacting him NOW, and that you speak to someone about some counselling. You need some support and counselling to help you get over your guilt and your obsession with this man.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (21 December 2011):
 I think youve done everything you can its been five years if he hasnt gotten over it he probably wont. You made a choice to cheat on him. Choices have consequences.
I think you tried your best its time to move on if hes going to hold this against you for eternity thats his choice. What else is their for you to do/ If hes to prideful to forgive you then he doesn't deserve you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Cheating is incredibly hard to forgive, even years later. It breaks all the trust in the relationship, and without trust there can't be anything else. Yes, it can be fixed, but not without a lot of hard work and dedication on both sides. It sounds like you're willing to put in that hard work, but he feels like it isn't worth it.
Maybe he does have some sort of feelings for you still, and that's why he keeps talking to you. Since he keeps bringing the cheating up though I'm sure he's still angry about it. Or maybe he only agrees to talk to you every once in a while so you'll stop sending him messages and trying to talk to him all the time. After all, by your own admission you "start writing him a lot of messages" on FB, and you even used your mother's FB to send him messages when he blocked your account. That's not just pushy, that's bordering on being kind of a stalker.
How much of you 'wanting' him is really wanting a relationship with him though? Like I said, in order to fix what happened when you cheated you both need to work HARD to re-establish trust. Do you want the hard work and making sure to toe the line until he trusts you again, or is what you REALLY want his forgiveness? It sounds like you're still incredibly guilty about it, and won't be able to get over it until he decides to forgive you. Also, have you been in any other relationships since then? He was your first love, and if you haven't had any other that could be another reason for your pursuit.
Maybe you really SHOULD just leave him alone, if only for a while so you can figure out what your real motivations are in getting his attention focused on you again. It doesn't seem like your actions are healthy for you or for him.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 I'm so sorry but he still doesn't trust you so he can't give himself completely to any type of relationship with you at this stage. You will have to accept whatever crumbs of friendship/contact he offers as you are in no position to demand anything.
All the best hope it works out for you!
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