A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm with my boyfriend two years, and he is absolutely wonderful. I am very much in love with him and believe he feels the same. We have recently moved in together, and are planning our future together.Although this all sounds wonderful, I seem to have set myself upon a road of self destruction and cannot enjoy this for what it is, and be grateful for what I have.I have become extremely insecure, and while I know I suffer from depression, as I have done for many years, I can't seem to sort this out. I am going for counselling, on a weekly basis, but feel that although it is helping while I'm there, I can not find my inner strength to deal with issues by myself. I was in a long relationship before and was abused, and feel that this may be affecting my relationship with my partner. I can not emphasise enough the love and respect that exists within this relationship. I do want to marry him, but unfortunately I feel I cannot do this until I have freed him and me from the negativity I am thrusting upon us both.I cannot walk down the street without feeling threatened by every other woman. My boyfriend told me, before I was ever showing signs of being insecure, that he only has eyes for me. This shocked him as much as it did me. I don't believe him, although I have no reason for this. The only reason I have is me.It has ingrained itself into my every action. Today he is at work, having started a new job, and the thoughts taking place in my head are torturing me. Obviously he's going to be sexually attracted to every woman he works with. I know this is rubbish...but yet I can't accept that. Due to the nature of my fears/insecurities, my boyfriend is aware of what's happening and how down I am. However, I am taking every ounce of my insecurities out on him, and my fears have become self fullfilling prophecies. I am driving him away, understandably, and this is making it worse. I have become a paranoid mess rather than the once loving and affecctionate girlfriend he adored. After everything I've been through, I finally feel I deserve him in my life. I deserve the happiness he gives me, and I love him and want to give him the happiness he deserves. Yet this path of destruction is in my way.I do not know what to do, where to go, how to dissolve this in my head. I am tired of these thoughts, these feelings, and I am confused.If anyone has any suggestions, or any opinions on regaining my confidence and giving this amazing guy the break he deserves, then please tell me. I need a break too.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Oh yea! Pick up a copy of "Shoot the damn dog", by Sally Brompton. It's a real life saver. Keep your chin up kid, keep struggling on, one day everything will be well. Take care of you, hugs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Hi Babes, I know exactly how you feel. Contact me direct by mail and lets see if we can beat this thing together.
I'd be interested to know what type of counselling your using, some types of counselling can stir old things up and make you sad and trapped in the past. There are things you need to do to keep yourself safe when doing this type of healing. There are other types of conselling, you need the short, sharp method, to put a control over your brain. Search the net for Congnative Behavioural Therapy (CBT) This is a method some counsellors use to put you in control, no matter what you emotions and thoughts are telling you to do.
Anyway contact me directly, or update here. We need you to get back in control of your life and get busy loving your man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Unfortunately you are not alone, you have an illness, an upset and it effects the way your brain works, it also effects your relationship with your boyfriend. Taking him to counselling with you, dosen't shift the burden on to him. Indeed it might be the perfect space to examine what your paranoia is doing to him, and find out how he's feeling. You are not alone, your in a relationship and you will only get well if he is also on board. Your crazy feelings, jealousy, obsession and paronia are all to do with your illness. It's not you, it's not him, it's just that this illness has grabbed your brain and made mush out of it. KEEP SEEING YOUR COUNSELLOR. That is very important, and tell them how your feeling about your boyfriend, they can help you work these things out and feel more secure about everything.
"It's gotten worse. Part of me just wants to give up on everything."........... "but is it really possible for a man to not even check another woman out just because he's inlove?"
Damn, can't you see, this is your illness talking. Your not thinking straight. You know your guy loves you, you know your thinking strange, you know it's getting worse. Please go and see your doctor and tell him how you feel. In the meantime, find anything, ANYTHING, else to concentrate on. You need to divert your mind. Your mind is like a record stuck in a groove, it's thinking about scary stuff, why can't it think about nice stuff instead. How about the first time he met you, what did that feel like, the first time you kissed, how he smelt this morning when he went out. How does he look when he smiles. Divert your attention think of something else, watch tv, read a book, go for a walk or think about the good times you've shared. If this dosen't help, get a piece of paper and write all the bad thoughts down. Then take a break. Go back to the paper and try and see why what you first wrote is wrong. "He may fall in love with somebody else", but then again "He may love me to the day I die", " He loves me now, his with me now".... I hope you can understand.
Your brain is wonky, you need to take control. If you think sad thoughts then you will get sad, if you think happy thoughts you will become happy. You are in control of your thoughts, nobody else. You need to take control, distract your wonky mind, throw out negative thinking. Anytime your brain starts to say stupid things then say, STOP. I CONTROL MY THOUGHTS. I CONTROL MY THINKING. I LOVE MY GUY AND HE LOVES ME. I WON'T LET MY BRAIN CONTROL THINGS. I WON'T GIVE HIM UP. I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS, HIS MINE TO LOVE RIGHT NOW.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Is it possible to renew this so I can hopefully get some more help?It's gotten worse. Part of me just wants to give up on everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Also, maybe I should have included this in my last response, but is it really possible for a man to not even check another woman out just because he's inlove?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): If you read my post Devil Spawn, I certainly have taken the necessary measures. This is not a matter of tough love. It is real and ongoing, and I have already owned my feelings and been open and honest. My point is I already feel I am doing everything I can. I do not know what else I can do, but already I seem to be losing him. He feels he should not have to defend himself at every corner, and he's right. It's very important that he is not portrayed in a negative light. This man is not only my lover, he is my best friend. And the feelings I have for him go past gender, or anything else - He is it for me. It's one of those loves that just clicks, and to lose it, I know nothing else would ever compare. I feel like bringing him to counselling with me is shifting the blame. I do honestly feel it is all in my head, and I actually need to deal with this alone. This is something I'm doing for me so that I can feel what it is like to be loved unconditionally, to be the sole obect of his desires, and to have him. To really feel secure that I have him. Not in an appauling controling way, but in a secure safe way. I guess I love him so much, but it's gone so far and all my feelings are coming out in my interactions with him and it's like I've just turned nasty. If he only knew.
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A
male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Stop doing it. Get some help and councelling, show your BF that you are trying or you will loose him. Boys dont like paranoid messes.
Sorry to be rude but its true. I am sure it is all in your head and he loves you, let yourself be loved and take a risk.
Tell him that you want to become the GF he fell in love with and show him that you are trying. Hopefully that will help.
best of luck to you
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A
male
reader, mustaine6 +, writes (2 July 2008):
It is because of your past relationship. it is NOT your fault.
(this is me assuming, but im probs right), after your past relationship, you were left wanting revenge, you felt angry, you felt beaten, you felt weak. back then you had nothing to take those feelings out on, so you had to bottle them up and they turned into depression.
You don't sound manic depressive, more like me tbh, you feel like its too good to be true, like everyone else is better than you and its only a matter of time until he realises that.
As well as counselling, the only way to deal with depression is to get rid of it, everyone finds their own way of doing this...talking to fellow sufferers/friends, listening to music a lot, taking up boxing...etc.
My advice is that whenever you find yourself thinking about your bf and another woman, blanken your mind, just say STOP and think about something else, anything else but that.
Also, try n spend more time with your bf, treat others how you wanna be treated (e.g: you wanna feel like hes only got eyes for you? make sure he feels the same about you!)
Good luck, depression is never easy. but love is the perfect cure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Its fantastic that you have already taken the steps that I wouldn't suggested before hand. This makes you those many steps closer to sorting it all out.
Now the only problem there is, is your brain. It plays tricks on you. This paranoia, and jealously is ripping you apart. It creates more stress than anything else in your life and soon you'll explode.
How about you go the consuellor, with your boyfriend for support, and tell him everything you've wrote to us. Because this isn't just a you thing, and although your boyfriend is doing a fantastic job, maybe if your planning your future together, you need to be together a little more. Just, supporting each other. If he knows whats going on with you he might be able to help you that little bit more.
But hes only going to be able to do that if you help him to. That is why, you should do it together.
I know thats confusing, I'm tired and confused myself but thats the basis of it.
Its a horrible feeling to be confused, jealous and paranoid. You don't really know what to believe. Which is why your consuelling is so good and useful.
Please, I implore you, tell your consuellor everything you've written down to us and anymore, take your boyfriend if you can for support. Your so scared of your fears coming true that you have to set out to make them never happen. Little do you know that your feeling the steps that lead you into that direction.
But your doing the right thing. You've gone the right way, your nearly there just having second thoughts. With some continuing help from both parties, I think and hope you will be fine.
Keep us posted!
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