A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He was in a three year long relationship with his ex girlfriend that ended just a couple months before we met. He was still getting over their relationship, and I was aware of this but we decided to continue dating because we really hit it off (and he refused to admit he had any feelings for her). She would call him occasionally during the first few months we dated and he says they only had friendly conversations. Then apparently after we'd been dating for five months, she calls him saying she wants to get back together and wants him to wait for her to finish school two states away. He told her he was in a relationship with me, that he was in love with me and that he never could be in a relationship with her ever again, which of course made her cry. She stopped calling him for awhile, and the last time he spoke to her was supposedly about a year ago, and was just a friendly check-in conversation. I don't know why this still upsets me, he says he hasn't spoken to her in about a year, and that she's always been the one to initiate contact. I do believe he would never get back together with her and that she is not a true threat. However it still upsets me that when we first got together, I clearly was not the sole focus of his attention as he was still occasionally having to deal with her. I feel like after being with him for two years, in a great relationship where everything else is perfect, that I just need to let it go. But why is it hard for me to let this go, that every time she gets brought up (by me or him) I still get upset about it? He says it was hard to get over her because they were together for so long and that it felt almost like a divorce. He did take his time in telling me he loved me (7 months and I had to say it first) but other than that we've been very committed to each other, I know he loves me, and we have basically spent every day together since we met. Do I just need to forget about it now for good, since it's not really a "present" issue anymore, or is it normal that the whole thing still sort of weirds me out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Thank you! I think I just needed to hear it from someone else, that I just need to get over it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): You got yourself into a really tuff situation.....Look, I am going to just give it to you straight...no sugar...no cream. Your boyfriend is still in love with his ex...plain and simple. There isn't anything...nothing you can do about this. Great sex will not make his feelings for her go away, a child will not make his feelings for her go away, you being the best girlfriend in the world will not make his feelings for her go away. Your boyfriend was probably on the rebound...so when you say that you guys "hit it off"....it's not what you think it was. Maybe in your mind, YOU hit it off with him, but it doesn't seem to be the same case with him. He care about you to a certain extent, but there is no way he can love you and sitll be in love with his ex....just look at what he has told you...your boyfriend has told you point blank that it's hard for him to get over her---what more do you need? It's not your boyfriend or the ex that is causing you stress...it's YOU..you are your own worse enemy in this case. You chose to get involved with a guy who had just got out of a relationship with a woman clearly was head over heels for.
You are "weirded" out by this entire ex situation because, somewhere, deep within your soul, you know that your boyfriend still loves his ex and the love he shared with his ex, is not the love that he shares for you. You might deny it, but I think you know my observation is right. Plainly put, your bf isn't over his ex and he may never get over her. It's been said that time heals all wounds, but that just isn't true for everyone. Some people get over they're ex's and others do not.
It's time that you start looking at things for how they truly are, rather than how you would like them to be...if you don't, years down the line you may end up heart broken. I can imagine you don't want to just up and end the relationship with your boyfriend...and I am not suggesting that you do, in addition, I just want you to know that your bf may never get over his ex....he may never love you as deeply as he loves his ex. Spending everyday together shouldn't be looked upon a sign of true love soley for there are other aspects that must be included when TRUE love is involved.
I was in a situation almost two years ago with an ex that wasn't over the mother of his child. I thought that waiting around for him, being a good woman to him, giving into his desires, would be my ticket to his heart....guess what? The ticket was voided because, it was expired from the very beginning..meaning, he never loved me, he never wanted to be with me, he just used be a rebound...as a emotional blanket to help him "heal." Actually, he was waiting for her to come back to him and finally after almost eight months of dating on and off, he ditched me for her and treated me like pure crap. It was the most heart breaking feelings in the world....it took me almost a year to get him out of my system. I had to attend a therapy class, I cried almost everyday, it got to a point where I couldn't stop calling and emailing him....I had never felt such an emotional break down before and I didn't know how to handle it. I am glad to report that I am healed and in a new relationship (hopefully all goes well..only time will tell), but I am one of the few people that is able to get over an ex and cut off all contact never feeling, thinking or wanting the ex every again. If I saw my ex with a family memeber...believe it or not, I would not be upset, I wouldn't have a problem with it....this is how I know I am over him.
I wish you and your boyfriend the best and I hope in the end, you make the best choice.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Look: he's been in a committed relationship with you for two years now. Yes, it may have well been a difficult breakup for him, but when she (eventually) contacted him in hopes of rekindling things, he told her clearly that he's with you now, and nothing doing. He is "yours" now, and she's the "loser" seeing as how she didn't "get her man".
You say he took his time - seven months - about telling you he loved you. Nothing wrong with that, ya know! If any of us want or hope for a good long-term relationship one of the ingredients is to take the time to get to know one another and discover whether you're truly compatible (unless of course someone just wants a quick fling and flings usually burn out sooner rather than later).
You know she's not a threat to you - so don't bring it up in conversation again! What more is there to talk about as far as she is concerned? Enjoy what you and your boyfriend have, and put her to rest........maybe you can recognize that you are a little insecure and find reassurance in knowing that hechose YOU.
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