A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is divorced with one child. When I met him I didn’t want to date him (he approached me first) because I prefer men who have not been married before, as I have not been married before. I had never dated a divorced guy before him so the experience was completely new. But I got to know him and we just got along so well and now I love him. Perhaps I should not have dated him and I’ve got myself into this, no one else is to blame, but what’s done is done. We’ve been together for 18 months, he’d been divorced 3 years before I met him.The problem is I don’t know whether I will be able to say yes to marriage (he’s started talking about it) because I’m not sure I’ll be able to deal with all the issues re. Ex, child, maintenance. I’ve been told how hard it is and how some people end up divorcing again because they can’t cope or are just plain miserable being a “second wife”. Nobody seems to think it’s a good idea, especially for a single, never married person. But my thoughts have not been shaped only by what others have told me, I had already decided that I would prefer to date/marry someone who was not previously married myself.We don’t live together so I don’t have a lot to do with that side of his life except going out with him and his daughter from time to time, or having them visit me at home. (His daughter and I get along fine at the moment, she’s 8). But I have on a few occasions heard him having massive arguments on the phone with ex, mostly about money, and he ends up so tense and angry it wrecks the mood when we’re together and we’re not even mad at each other! He also has a lot of financial issues. I’m worried about how this will affect our marriage.I think I have done the wrong thing getting into this relationship, because why can’t I just think YES - for better or worse – if the man I love starts talking about marriage?It seems so awful to think that I’d date him but not want to get “trapped” in a marriage – it’s keeping the back door open. The more I write the worse it sounds!!Or am I just too selfish/self-centred/narrow-minded? (I’ve asked my friends and they say they don’t find me a selfish person, just to check, but then again they’re my friends).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): hi,im kinda in the same boat of the post before me. I married a man with baggage and paying for it now.I too said id never get involved with a man with baggage because of the stress etc plus im a quite insecure person anyway.I have a child with my husband, we could just about afford it but i thought well why shouldnt i have a child because my husband has another child. Times HAVE been rough, from when my son was 6months old until a few weeks ago (18months old) so a year, we struggled for money, for many of reasons, but at one point we couldnt afford food or electic, i had to starve for 3days so my son could eat. how bad is that? and had no electic for a day and often had no gas. we had to make 2weeks worth of food last 4/5weeks. meanwhile his ex was going on holidays, had several cars, going out every weekend. how is that fair? Also mutual friends of them both keep stiring up trouble with us saying hes cheating on me with his ex, saying hes secretly meeting her etc and trust me it causes problems. Our marraige is so rocky.i love my husband and that's why i married him. i promised to stay with him for richer for poorer, but theres one major difference - he never told me about his ex and child straight up, i found out after a few months, once i had fallen for him.even though i have nothing to do with that side of his life, its still there in the back of your mind. Id think long and hard about it before you agree to marry him. life with a husband with baggage is stressful and often causes problems in your own r/ship.I wish i hadnt of got into the situation im now in, but im thankful because i have my son.good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): I wish I had thought of this before I married my partner.
I too was just like you, I was young single and did not have any baggage when I met my now husband. He had just come out a marriage, had a kid and a TONNE of debt. I knew all this, but still got into a relationship and STILL got married anyway. Big Mistake.
Life as GF and BF is a lot different to life as husband and wife. right now (as was the case when me and my husband were just dating) things were good, he kept the ex and that side of his life to himself and it was just him and me having great times on weekeneds and some nights during the week. Even when I moved in with him, I wasnt truely aware of what it was like, it was only when we married and joined finances that things got really stressful.
When you are husband and wife (whatever rules you agree to) you HAVE to share your money. You cannot say ;this is mine' and 'this is yours'.A lot of times, I was bailing him out for support for ex and the kid and that made me resentful, we couldn't start our own family because we just couldn't afford it and most annoying is that we couldn't even buy a house as his ex has his house, and all the debt he had meant he quite buy a house with me as he knew he couldn't make the repayments. A lot of resentment was caused by the fact that most of his debt went on making his ex happy: holidays, car, clothes all for her.
Trust me, you don't want to be a second wife. Also, you probably dont want to be a divorcee either so you will end up being stuck. Yes, he is probably a FANTASTIC person, just like my husband is when he is not stressed, but someones personality is not just shown when they are in a happy stress free mood but also when things get tough.
I hope you make the right choice. I cannot tell you what to do, but learn from the mistake I made and countless others that have been the second wife.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Sorry I meant to say 'daughter' not son. Oops
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (12 August 2011):
I think you're being smart. You've got a clear head and are looking at all this realistically.
You're at a point where you have to make a tough decision. Stay with him and possibly get married, which comes with all the baggage. Or leave and see what else is out there.
You've only been together for 18 months, perhaps you're just not ready? Let him bring up marriage, you don't have to accept, do you Marriage is a big commitment, as I'm sure you know, and you're doing the right thing asking all these questions.
What comes through your post however is a lot of reasons why you shouldn't be with him. What are the reasons that you want to stay with him? Are there many?
The question for you is, do you love him enough to deal with the ex, the son who isn't yours, the financial issues and a man who's been married and divorced before? There's nothing wrong with saying that you'd rather not have all this. You have one life and if this is not the one you want, there's still time to change things.
And lastly, give yourself and the relationship more time. You don't live with him and I don't know what your thoughts on living together prior to marriage are but in this case it would be a wise thing to do...nothing makes you learn more about someone than living with them.
Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, whattodoabouther  +, writes (12 August 2011):
You are not being selfish. You are being realistic. This is a man that wants you to spend the rest of your life with him. His issues with his ex and the baggage surrounding that will be lugged behind you like a ball and chain for ever. Lets look at the cons. He has a failed marraige under his belt. He has money issues. In marraige the love can die and its a DECISION to stay and love your spouse for better or for worse no matter what. He's already proven that he couldn't decide to do that. Can the two of you support and love eachother in the way that both of you need? Finances are the biggest problems in relationships. If he has money problems now, what will happen when the two of you start down the yellow brick road? One of the biggest things that has helped me has been to stop thinking with my heart and think with your head. What is best for you? It seems like you are staying on the side lines of this scenario instead of jumping in and then finding out if it is something that works for you. If he wants marraige then ask him how can he love you the way you need to loved? What do you need to for that to happen. If you marry him will your first child together be in reality him? Are you comfortable with the idea of the instantly family just add gold?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 He has financial issues and that's a big assertive reason for saying no, and not because he has baggage. I can think of many positive things about this once married man. He has experience, the maturity to deal with life's ups and downs. He has the courage to go on. He still believes in love and would give it one more try. The idea of marriage as a trap. Marriage itself is not a trap. It is two people who can't connect with each other. I know how you feel about wanting a cheerful person who can totally devote to you. As people play the field they know the ones who are free of baggage are usually the ones who still want to play the field and not want serious relationships. The ones who want marriages are the ones who really need it, such as having a physical illness and needing someone to take care of them, ones who need a parental figure for their children, a financial backup, or a person who had been single for too long and worried about getting old, etc.
You have to make sure it is love that you have, and that neither of you are going into it out of a need. We all want harmony and romance in our lives but money is a big reality. He has to get his finances straightened out before he can relax with the idea that he has you forever.
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