A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So about 2 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been my most meaningful relationship to date, because we lived together. At first it was all a dream. I was crazy in love, we had the chemistry that only happens in movies. And I felt loved and cherished. I couldn't begin to explain how happy I was. And I know he was too. I could see it in his eyes. Anyway, about 3 months after we moved in together he got a new job in this place. And right after that he started getting weird. distant. We went from sex everyday to once a week, suddenly. And it was only if I made a move first. He seemed annoyed all the time, he had 0 time to be with me and he kept making excuses for coming home at 5 am. He made me feel like I was needy for asking him to let me know if he was going to be late. He called me suffocating for wanting to meet his friends. And by the way that never happened. I told him that if he wanted out, all he had to do was say the word. But he refused. I even almost left once and he told me to stay please. I tried everything. I was patient. I stopped asking him where he was when he got home late. I was nothing but understanding when on his only day off he preferred to be with his friends than with me, even though we saw each other so little, even living under the same roof. I ended up hurting so much and sleeping next to a stranger. By the 5 month I couldn't take it anymore. I got drunk one night and went out with my friend. When I got back home, late, he still wasn't there. But his phone was. Drunken me read his texts. Long story short, there was someone else. Next morning when I woke up I broke up with him. I told him I wanted him out of my apartment. He never even gave me an explanation. He didn't even say I'm sorry. He just stood there and let me walk away. That was the last time we spoke. I blocked him everywhere, from facebook to my phone. After that, the next month was a haze of alcohol and sleeping. I left school. All I had in me was to sleep and drink by myself while watching netflix. Then I went back to my mom's house. I still have my apartment but I had to get out of town for a while. I started feeling better. Not much, but a little bit everyday. I started going out with friends. Have fun. Then one day, I met a guy.And I fell hard for him. To the point of obsession. He made me feel something again, and I clung to that with my life because he was the only guy I ever even thought of that way after my ex. But needless to say, the guy only wanted to have fun. He said from the beginning that he wasn't sure he wanted something serious. But I stuck around anyway. How stupid am I? now things are really over with this new guy and I am heartbroken again. Not as badly as I was with my ex. But I feel so unlovable. So unwanted, so not enough. Why can't I ever get what I want? Why can't no one love me? I know, I should love myself more. But how? I just wish I could find purpose in something. In anything. I don't want to be broken anymore. Please someone give me some advice
View related questions:
broke up, drunk, facebook, heartbroken, moved in, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2016):
 You need to learn to SLOW down, you can't RUSH love or relationships. It's not like Cup of Noodle where you just add hot water and voila! Instant love!
Moving in together after 3 months? Generally WAY too fast. Next time, and I'm sure there will be one, wait a good while longer for cohabiting.
Guy #1 Seemed like a lovely fella, but in reality he wasn't. After all, you two hadn't been together all that long before he was cheating on you. THAT is not your fault. That is his fault. And I think you handled that well by kicking him out and blocking him. That is why you TAKE the time to get to know a person before living together etc.
Guy #2 was a rebound for you, you might have known it if you had paid attention, but I think you were still reeling a bit after the breakup. So that happens.
ALL you can do OP is learn from these two events.
1. go slow. GET to know a guy.
2. if you want a relationship and the guy said he isn't sure, let him go because you shouldn't settle for something half-assed.
3. alcohol doesn't fix ANYTHING, drinking might temporarily numb you but the moment you start to sober back up the negative feelings are 10 times as bad, so stop that.
4. while you ended things with #1 in a timely manner and with self-respect and dignity - you NEED to take the time to process what happened and NOT try and cure your broken heart by jumping into a new relationship or do self-destructive things such as chasing unavailable guys ( like #2).
5. lastly? Stop beating yourself up. You didn't make #1 cheat and you weren't stupid for sticking it out with #2, you weren't realistic with #2 but that happens.
Relax. LIVE life, spend time with family and friends. People who can be a positive influence on you and try not to RUSH life. So take a while, focus on job/school, friends, family, hobbies (things that make you happy) and give relationships a break for now.
You said you left school, see if you can start that back up. DO NOT let a guy sabotage your future. Don't sabotage YOUR future yourself.
Set some goals (that are for YOU alone) and work on achieving them, like travel, finish a degree, self-improvement.
You are NOT unlovable, you just ran into two guys that wasn't worth a pot to piss in.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 I'm sorry this has happened, OP, but I think there's a simple solution: stop rushing things.
Take some time to be a single woman. You'll feel more unlovable when rebounding with dodgy (incompatible) guys, than being single, if you accept that being single isn't a bad thing.
When we look hard for things, we tend to get frustrated if we can't find them, so it's good to take a break and try again another time. You need that break; there's no rush to find someone else or you'll just pick people who want different things to you and it will ultimately make you feel worse.
Slow down, focus on different things and don't think about guys for 6 months or so. Just learn to be okay by yourself and you'll find it easier to not obsess over guys, when you've taken a break long enough to feel that being single isn't something you need to avoid at all costs, even if it means being with someone incompatible.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 October 2016):
 Don't beat yourself up over it, you've just been unfortunate to fall for time wasters. You can't force falling for someone so stop trying to actively look for it because you'll just end up never finding it or disappointed for rushing into things.
It sounds cliche but just let things happen, just live your life and let things fall into place
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 Hi op. First of all I think you are being all that bit too hard on yourself labelling yourself as 'stupid' for sticking with guy no.2 I think most people some where along the line have wished for that round peg to fit into that darn awkwardly painful square hole, so how do we find out until we stick around, within a reasonable time frame, to see if it will? You have suffered a great emotional loss, one with out any closure I might add and it would seem that you have not given yourself enough time to grieve. Of course I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, however from what you write I think it would be a shame to allow your ex's deceitful, selfish and cheating nature turned into you r problem thinking your not being loveable or feel as though you are not enough for anyone. You were and are. He was just a douche, doesn't mean you are. Time to be kind to yourself ,get social without being on a mission to find a man, not just yet anyway, otherwise you run the risk of blindsiding yourself with that round peg scenario instead of being confident that when the time is right so will the man be. For what its worth that man wont be the ex should he come a crawling back. All the best
...............................
A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 Darling, you've already hit the nail on the head.
No one can love you until you love yourself. And unfortunately, no one can really tell you HOW to love yourself, because the "how" is different for everyone.
I went through things that are so similar to your story, that while I was reading your question I actually had to remind myself that I didn't write it.
YOU are the only constant that you have in this life. The right person will present themselves when the timing is right. This may seem cliché, but trust me, because I'VE LIVED THIS. Only when I "let go and let God", so to speak, and released my destiny to the universe did my husband come into my life. He found me when I wasn't looking for him. And it was unlike any other love I had experienced. But there were things I had to learn first, things I had to surrender, before I was ready for him to come along.
This may not seem altogether helpful, and I'm sorry. Allow yourself time to heal. Give lots of attention to the people who build you up and love you unconditionally already. Maybe even seek some professional help, if you feel so inclined. There's no shame in that, I've been in therapy since I was 14. Honestly, more people should seek it out.
YOU are the only one who can fix what's broken in yourself. No man can do that for you, and it wouldn't be fair to expect them to.
Be well, my dear. Take care of YOU. 3
...............................
|
