A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: MOD NOTE: 2 posts combined together.Why can't I tell my wife that she looks hot?My wife of 20 years hates it when I tell her that she looks hot!! I don't understand the difference between a come-on and a compliment. How come she thinks that I'm asking for sex every time I grab her or tell her she's hot? I tried telling her that her hair and make up look great and she still thinks I want something. I must admit that in the past I have been quite physical about my affections (grabby) but I'm trying to understand what she needs emotionally. She tries to explain it to me and I don't get it. I want a kiss when I leave, and sometimes she's busy and acts like it's inconveniencing her. She'll kiss me, but she will give me a disappointing sigh, like I'm irritating her. My wife is a very beautiful woman, and I am still very attracted to her. Sometimes it's hard to just leave without a hug and a kiss. Am I wrong to expect this all the time?I have been married for over 20 years, I still don't understand about her emotional needs. I guess I'm an idiot, but can someone help me understand? She has tried to explain to me what she needs from me, and I don't get it. I give her compliments, and she says that they come out like come-ons. That's not how I mean to sound, but I guess I don't understand the difference. I might tell her that she looks hot!!! and she thinks I'm trying to get sex. Sometimes if I hug her or say that her hair and make-up look nice, she gets irritated. I know that I have always been kind of a horn-dog, but why is she taking it the wrong way? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): are you sure your wife is not cheating on you. if my hb was always trying to touch my arse, being intimate with me, wanting to do it all the time with me i would be in my element. playful sexual banter? what more can a wife ask for. she not even wanting to give you a kiss when you go off in the morning. come on, if my hb doesn't give me a kiss when we leave each other, i am mad. whatever her needs/wants are, do not overlook a potential affair. her emotional needs not being met? you are trying, surely she can see you are trying to understand her. what young, sexy beautiful woman doesn't like affection and sex and well intimacy.Mister, if she is not giving it to you i believe she is giving it to someone else. check for closeness with male colleagues, faamily members. check her email, FB, cell. what about a close female (any lesbian tendancies??). does she go out on specific days, specific times. whatever it is you have to unearth it, don't be like millions of spouses thinking they are doing something wrong and no matter how much they try to rectify it just isn't working. please post us an update on the situation. keep those eyes wide open. you will be surprised at what you may find.
A
female
reader, Holli'  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 I'd talk to her, explaine to her so she understands how you really feel, I think a come on is more flirty a compliment is just a way of showing a loved one how much you apreciate them, it's suppose to make them feel good about themselves.
Good luck. Hope I helped.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 You may be attracted to your wife, but I don't think she's attracted to you. Therefore your come ons (or compliments) remind her of this fact. Her reaction to you is a symptom of a much bigger picture. Take it from someone who has been there.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 January 2010):
 I'd have to agree with marriedlady. If your wife can't take a compliment like that, and can't understand why you're attracted to her after 20 years of marriage -- and take advantage of that -- she's probably having an affair.
I can't imagine any woman who has a loving husband, not taking those compliments and simply smiling. A kiss or a hug takes a second, but if a woman has already left the marriage in her mind or heart, it takes an eternity in her mind and its unwelcomed.
You better start asking some hard questions my friend. Take your head out of the sand here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): I think that some of the suggestions that Birdy has given you might be what your wife is looking for. However, there is something that I just don't get. What is wrong with a man showing sexual interest in his wife? It doesn't mean that he wants to boink her on the spot. I show sexual interest in my wife several times a day, but I couldn't have sex that often even if she wanted it. I show all types of interest in her, not just sexual, but she likes it when I tell her she is hot or I like her butt or love to hold or cuddle her. If I don't kiss her enough then she will kiss me or hug me. We cuddle in bed and have mild foreplay without sex. I don't know. I guess I'm just lucky to have a wife who takes it as me liking her in every way and not some type of insult. If more women understood and appreciated a man's thinking and appreciation of her physical aspects then both would be much happier. Perhaps my wife is unusual, but I have dated women in the past who have appreciated it when I expressed enjoyment of their outer beauty and not just their inner beauty. I just don't understand why a woman would find it insulting that her husband thinks that she is hot. Fortunately, not all women think that way. There are those who like complements on their sexuality or even like to get a pat on the ass and a kiss on the neck. Things like that don't indicate that the guy wants sex on the spot.
To the OP, I have no idea why she is annoyed by your interest in her outer beauty. Perhaps you never show interest in the other things that she has to offer - her love, the things that she does for you or the children if you have children, the fact that you are lucky to have her as a wife and things like that. If all of your complements are physical or sexual in nature then I can understand why she would be annoyed. If you give her complements of all types and show that you appreciate all of what she offers then I don't know what you can do about her aversion to physical references.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): oh the games that people play. read this...womensinfidelity.com
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 If you "grab" her while telling her that she is "hot" - that definitely feels like you are turned on and looking for sex, sorry to point that out, but that's just how it feels to me too.
A compliment that expresses how you feel about your beautiful wife shouldn't include grabbing or the word "hot". You would be far better off using the word "beautiful" in expressing how wonderful she looks - without words that can be misconstrued as sexual advances.
Or leave out references to her appearance entirely! For example - "I am so glad that I am the lucky man who gets to have you to come home to at night. You are on my mind all day long and I miss your company when you aren't with me." Neither of those two comments had anything to do with here physical appearance.
She wants to know that even if you DO appreciate what's on on the outside, that you Love and Appreciate the person that she is on the inside. It sounds like she wants you to notice her "Inner" beauty when you tell her that you love her.
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