A
female
age
36-40,
*iningAway
writes:Here's my main question:**Why can't I be happy and content with my life as it is, and not wonder about the possibility of things working out with my ex from so long ago?**I had a relationship that lasted for about 3 years...over four years ago. We broke up due to some small issues (ie he wanted to stay close to home after school, i wanted to move to a city...we were both too young to know what we really wanted, and didn't really know what relationships were about yet).After the breakup, which was mutual, we both moved on and have had other relationships. He's dates a few women, and I have been dating someone else for 3 1/2 years. I love my current boyfriend. We have a lot in common and get along well. However, I have never forgotten or gotten about my ex. We've kept in touch, always as nothing more than a friendly "hello" or "what have you been up to". We've come across each other while visiting family since we're from the same small town and exchanged a hug and a hello as well.The two men are very different people. They are in the same industry for work, but otherwise aren't alike. Each one brings out different aspects of my own personality that I like. I can be silly with my ex, and we have a lot of fun together...whereas my current boyfriend and I can have great intellectual conversations and are very comfortable with our relationship, don't fight, and like just being around eachother.I have an illness that brings me a lot of pain every month, and while my ex would comfort me...my current boyfriend doesn't show emotions as well and doesn't know what to do. Maybe this is part of it?Since our break up so long ago, my ex has moved to a new location (large city) and has gotten his life figured out. He has a lot going for him and always remembers my birthday and to send a quick text to tell me so. I have matured a lot as well, but am driving myself crazy with this question in my mind!I do love my current boyfriend, but don't understand why I can't let go of the past relationship.**Why can't I be happy and content with my life as it is, and not wonder about the possibility of things working out with my ex?**I'm not obsessed with him, but as my current relationship may be heading into an engagement within the next year I really need to figure out what's wrong :( I want to marry, but I want to be content and not wonder.I've had other previous boyfriends that I never have thoughts of**...why is this bothering me so much? Why do I feel like I actually still love my ex?**Please Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nicole90 +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I think that might be a sign that things might work out. I recently was prompted, who knows by what, to write to my ex and tell him that I still had feelings for him. We have started talking and who knows what will happen but I put myself out there just in case it's what is supposed to happen. I feel that we can only take as many steps as we can until we must leave it up to fate to regulate what happens. I would take all your exes words to thought and remember the good and bad about your relationship and if the good outweighs the bad then go for it. Also don't forget that people can change and become better.
A
female
reader, PiningAway +, writes (17 November 2009):
PiningAway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have an update...
My ex sent me a message...with NO prior talking between us recently,saying he wanted me to know he loves me and needed to tell me before I got married, engaged etc. and that he will be there waiting for me if things don't work out with whoever I'm with.
...what do I do with that??
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A
female
reader, nicole90 +, writes (20 October 2009):
I would suggest seeing what your boyfriend thinks of taking a break. Then ask your ex if he is wondering as well what might have been. If your boyfriend doesn't want to I would suggest finding things in that relationship you like and focus on that.
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A
female
reader, PiningAway +, writes (19 October 2009):
PiningAway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso Nicole...yes, I believe my ex does feel the same way.
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A
female
reader, PiningAway +, writes (19 October 2009):
PiningAway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for the feedback! Very different views...
Nicole90: My ex was the only person I've ever been around, including any friends or family, that I've been able to feel comfortable enough to be silly and fun with. I typically have a hard time "letting loose" or showing excitement.
CaringGuy: I don't believe I was comparing lives...I was saying our lives were uncertain a long time ago, whereas now we're both settled a bit more. The reasons that we broke up are things that have since changed or have become non-issues. We are both mature adults now, with relationship experience under our belts. I don't believe I've picked up on mistakes with my current boyfriend, just wrote a couple things that have been a problem in our relationship. My current boyfriend is just not very free with his emotions. I have brought up my concerns over how he reacts when I'm in pain, but he just says he doesn't know what to do. My ex was with me through four surgeries and was much more able to show emotions. However, I don't believe it's a deal-breaker.
More feedback is very welcome. Thanks again!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 October 2009):
I think you're making the mistake of comparing your life to his. His life is different. It always was. And you're doing the same things with your current boyfriend. You're comparing him to your ex, picking up on mistakes instead of focusing on the point. You and your ex had different ideas and different aims. So by splitting up, the truth is you did the right thing, because it wouldn't have worked out. Focus on all the good things with your current boyfriend. You say he doensn't understand about yoour illness. Tell him about it. Expain to him that you need him to understand and tell him why. Then he will understand and be able to help you. The most important thing is tht you stop comparing your life to his. Your life is your own, and his life is his. That's it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, nicole90 +, writes (19 October 2009):
My best friend is going through the same situation. What i advised her to do is tell each guy what she is feeling/thinking. Its not bad to think what could have been. What you might be longing for is the youthfulness that came with the previous relationship. Is it more comfortable to you to be silly or do you like being silly. To help you answer this question you can ask someone who knows you pretty well if they think you're more silly or serious. Its a hard situation because you don't want to leave the current boyfriend to see what might have happened then not be able to come back to that relationship. The reason you might still feel like you love him is because you do. Love isn't something that can be forgotten. Try to find good things in this relationship that put you where you want to be in the future. Also, is your ex feeling the same? If so, it might be something to take into consideration. hope this helps!
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