A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has type 2 diabetes and cant get it up for me. He takes the pills to help with that and can sometimes get half way hard by that. But he has not been able to finish with me for about six months. My thing is he can get him self hard and finish if he is watching porn. I don’t understand why he cant with me. He says that he loves me and enjoys having sex with me but it just leads to frustration because he cant finish. It ends up making me feel like less of a woman because of it. I know that with diabetes you have problems that not the part that makes me as frustrated. It is that he can with him self. He watches porn almost ever day. I can not compete with the woman in the porn. When we try to talk about it he just gets made at me and tells me that I am a prude. Is the real thing not better than watching it on the internet? He has been taking medicine to keep his blood sugar down for about six months. So I thought that would help the problem. But I guess that I was wrong. Does it ever get better? Why can he get hard and finish to porn but not me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): What I'm about to say will naturally be controversial. It may also sound harsh.
Watching Porn is a very self indulgent, selfish, self-centered sexual activity. When your husband is engaging with a pornographic substitution sexual partner he focuses only on his own needs, feelings, emotions, wants, desires, actions, fantasies.
Pornographic substitution sexual partnership is extremely addictive! It progresses just like alcoholism and drug addictions progress. Just as with narcotics, one is always too much and ten thousand is never enough. If your husband is watching porn in the way you has described, then most likely, he is addicted. Just like with any other addiction, unless he gets help, he probably will not stop.
What can you do to "protect" yourself?
Remember and affirm that you are not defined by his actions. You are no less attractive, no less beautiful, no less valuable, no less desirable, no less precious because he has chosen to indulge in a self-centered activity.
While it is a problem that affects both of you, it is not your problem. Because of this you can not fix it. He has to choose to make the necessary steps to change, whatever they are. Before he can do that he has to own his "stuff". Unless he is willing to own that he has a problem that is destroying his relationship with you, and perhaps his marriage, then he will not do the work to change his habits and to abandon this destructive behavior.
Having a moral standard does not mean that you are a prude -- even if your husband says so... even if pop culture says so!
You do not have to live up to the "girls" on the video! Think about it--- look what they are doing with their lives. Is this something you want to "live up to?" Today, most have had plastic surgery, they are air brushed and spray painted. I would much rather be a nursery school teacher, a pilot, a homemaker than to have live the lives of any one of these women/girls. You do not have to live up to "her"!
The truth about porn:
It destroys lives!
It destroys marriages!
It destroys relationships!
It destroys marital intimacy!
It destroys marital trust!
It destroys families!
It destroys women!
It destroys men!
Indulging in porn when one is married is the same thing as adultery.
People who are narrow-minded enough to think that sex is merely a physical act will disagree with me. Sex involves all of the senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, and sound. It also involves the emotional and psychological.
For those who disagree, think about it this way: Husbands, imagine your wife invites 500 men over to your house. She undresses in a very seductive manner and then proceeds in very erotic behavior. The men are allowed to watch and to listen, however they may not touch. They can do their own "thing" while watching "the show". This is live porn. Just because modern technology provides the electronic means to record it and bring it into our own homes doesn't change the substance.
Porn destroys the intimacy between a husband and wife because it involves bringing other individuals into the relationship. In most cases, the spouse of the person involved in porn feels devalued.
Of course, I can hear every man and woman out there who has engaged in actively watching porn saying, "I did not have sex with that man/woman!"
Engaging in sex with "porn" substituting as a partner allows your husband to:
Be the one always in control... he can create whatever vain imagination he chooses to.
He doesn't have to "open up emotionally" to you during the most intimate moments.
It doesn't require him to be concerned with your pleasure while sharing in the act of love-making.
Don't buy into all of these people who are telling you that you just need to be more understanding, or you need to watch it with him, or having a little romantic date will change everything!
That is the same thing as saying, "Your husband is a drug addict. You just need to be more understanding. You just need to do the drugs with him! You just need to have a little special evening and everything will be all better. If you pressure him to stop, if you demand that he gets help, if you stand up for your rights, if you refuse to be a victim of your husband's addiction, then you will just compound the problem! If he bought the drugs, and took them to get high, but just took a little bit, how would you feel? Of course it would be better for him to get high! (OF course, I'm being facetious and mocking here! It's easy to see how ridiculous these excuses are!
People who do not want to deal with their own stuff want to try to tell you that you should not require your husband to deal with his!
In response to the poster who stated, "Do you make him feel inadequate when you do have sex? Do you treat him like his feelings count and he's not just keeping you up at night (I assume.)First of all, we know what "ass-u-me" means. Does this person not get that you are the one being made to feel inadequate? Do they not get that you are not getting the pleasure of consummation of the sexual act with your beloved husband.
What does consummation mean though? Is it just intercourse, is it foreplay?
Reading and understanding what consummation means might help you and others like you to understand why this form of coitus-interruptus is so disturbing; why it leaves you feeling frustrated even if you yourself have an orgasm. Perhaps this is why it leaves you feeling "cheated" when he "consummates" (windsup, completes,finishes, closes) with pornographic substitutes.
Noun 1. consummation - the completion of marriage by sexual intercourse----
mop up, windup, completion, culmination, closing - a concluding action
2.consummation - the act of bringing to completion or fruition
fruition, realisation, realization - something that is made real or concrete; "the orgasm was the realization of a the couples passionate work"
orgasm, sexual climax, climax, coming - the moment of most intense pleasure in sexual intercourse---
fulfillment, fulfilment - the act of consummating something (marriage vows and promises, marriage expectations)
mop up, windup, completion, culmination, closing - a concluding action
Every time we "consummate" our marriage, we are in essence reaffirming our wedding vows! We are fulfilling our marriage expectations, not just our marriage "duty" but to have it to be made "whole".
When a husband and wife consummates their marriage through orgasms they share the most intense pleasure in sexual intercourse--- and they have closure (for the moment at least)to the sexual engagement.
I hope that your husband will admit that he has hurt you, that he has made you feel "less than" and that he has devalued you. I hope that he will admit it, and ask you to forgive him. It is not your fault that he is engaging in pornography, any more than if he was a drug addict. He needs to "own" his problem. I hope that he will seek your forgiveness, and I hope that you will have it in your heart to forgive the hurt that he has inflicted on you.
I also hope that you and your husband are able to regain whatever love and passion you first had. I hope that you will not let his problem, his addiction, define who you are. I hope that you and your husband will be able to get the help you need to be able to not only save, but to grow your marriage. I hope the joy of the marriage bed will be restored to the both of you.
My brother died due to complications to diabetes. I watched him struggle with diabetes and it's ravaging of his body. It was a horrible enemy that he had to contend with. I know that diabetes is a very difficult disease. I hope and pray that your husband will be able to control his diabetes, and that he will have healing.
Finally, I hope that one thing that I have said will help and encourage you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): Why don't you join him when he is watching his porn? wait until he is erected.Take advantage of his erection and get rid of your frustrations.
GOOD LUCK
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (4 October 2008):
 WiseOne is right, I think. He's conditioned himself so that he can only be completely aroused by (and satisfied by) pornography. Because you've been in this rut so long, he might also feel nervous about trying again with you which will make it even harder for him to sustain an erection. So now you're stuck in this loop- whenever he tries and fails to have sex with you, he'll be more nervous next time. Sounds like he's settled into a porn routine so that he doesn't have to deal with your sexual needs, he can just focus on his own and not feel any pressure about pleasing you. It's a selfish move on his part, I can imagine you must be sexually frustrated yourself after six months.
Porn seems to be hurting rather than helping the situation in your case, it has become his crutch, his go-to whenever he feels horny. YOU should be his go-to. And to answer your question, yes, for most men the real thing is infinitely better than porn (of course!) but for men with emotional, psychological or other problems... porn becomes preferable as it is low maintenance and he has to invest no emotional energy into it, it will always be there.
I think he should give up the porn completely, so that the two of you can reconnect and work on your bond (beyond just sex). I'm sure he won't agree to that though since he calls you a prude rather than engaging in any reasonable discussion about your problems. Marriage counseling might help. Or maybe just individuals counseling for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): He probably has no idea why you feel the way you do. You say that he watches porn every day, is he casually looking at it or is he actually masturbating every day? (I admire his energy if that's the case.) I've been there in prior relationships- but in those relationships porn was something you may pull out from time to time as a couple to spice things up- have you tried that? I take it that he has not stopped trying to have sex with you- so he can't be completely uninterested in it. Do you make him feel inadequate when you do have sex? Do you treat him like his feelings count and he's not just keeping you up at night (I assume.)Have you actually asked him how he is doing with diabetes? That is a big black monster to deal with and just following the motions doesn't always work, you can't just take a few pills and it goes away. It's always there on his shoulder, every single day. It means following the drug regimen, the diet guidelines, and depending on severity- exercise. The exercise needs to be done rigorously, and often, which is going to take away from his "energy" that he may normally have been spending on you. Has something changed in his life that has reduced his will to follow the regimen in the last six months? How is the rest of the relationship? For that matter, does he keep you happy in bed? Are YOU satisfied notwithstanding the fact that he doesn't "finish" with you? That could also play a role in his feelings. How long have you been married? Has it always been like this? Have things gotten better, or worse? When you talk to him about it are you accusing him of anything? To answer your question of why he can finish to porn and not "you"-Men are visually stimulated. Women seem to be emotionally stimulated. If he was to masturbate to completion NOT watching the porn, what would you feel? He can't finish with you, there may be emotional issues as well as physical issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): wow...I feel your frustration! My ex-husband (we didn't get divorced because of this problem, he was an alcoholic..just wanted to make that clear) took medication for high blood pressure and had the same problem. I think your husband just feels it is much easier to "do it himself", no stress, no frustration. I don't think it has a thing to do with him not wanting to be with you, or have sex with you. My ex expressed that it was just too frustrating for him "starting and stopping over and over again". I have talked to single guys in the past and many of them have expressed that "doing it themself" can be far more relaxing than having sex with a woman, that they just don't feel like the hassles... But I would certainly be hurt/concerned over him watching porn every day if he's to the point where he won't even try with you anymore? My advice is to try a heart to heart again and express your feelings..and promise him you do understand, try to make a romantic date, and lead up slowly. If it doesn't lead to sex, make sure you don't get upset, that just causes the man even more and more pressure and compounds the problem. BTW, I'm 47, was married for 20 years, went through what you're going through for about 6 years...so I hope I helped you?
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