A
female
age
30-35,
*ovejulie
writes:Dear Cupid, I dont know what to do.I have a boyfriend. Hes a great guy and he really cares about me. He has his flaws and faults but who doesnt? I love being around him. He makes me feel loved and special. However he is very insecure and this has caused us many problems. He says he doesnt trust me and I am a firm believer in that trust and communication should be the base foundation to any relationship. I always try to show him I care and I try to be a good girlfriend and be there when he needs me but a lot of what I do goes by unappreciated and lately all he seems to notice is one mistake I made.A month ago, a guy from work developed a crush on me and got my number from a mutual friend of ours at work. I thought he was a nice guy, but nothing else. We talked and he was going through a tough time in his life. He had just moved here and didnt really have any friends, so I offered him my advice and a friend. After about a week, he started flirting with me and asking me to hang out, but I clearly told him that I was happy in a relationship and that I wanted to respect that and that if he wanted to keep me as a friend he should do the same.My boyfriend went through my phone one day and saw messages from the guy at work saying how beautiful and nice I was and about how much he liked talking to me. My boyfriend went mad and I do understand because if I were in his shoes, I believe I would of done the same. He also read my reply to those messages, and he seemed a little releived that I hadnt gone along with it. He then asked me to promise him that I wouldnt talk to this guy again. I promised.I told the guy I wanted to respect my relationship and that itd be best if we didnt talk, as he admitted to liking me. He said okay and about a week later he approached me at work, and apologized. He said all he wanted was a friend and that I was a really cool girl and if we could try again as strictly friends. I wasnt sure what to say, so I told him thank you for the apology and understanding, and okay. Strictly friends. I told my boyfriend, as I always communicate everything with him and I like to be honest but he reminded me that I had promised, and that this way the first time I had ever broken a promise to him and that he didnt know if he could trust me anymore because of this. The guy from work started flirting with me again, and this time I cut things off for good. Didnt talk to him again. Avoided him at work, etc.This was exactly one month ago, and my boyfriend wont forgive me. Now he says he cant trust me and he doubt everything I say, which really hurts. Ive beeb trying to show him he can trust me and Ive been trying to show him how much I care, but he doesnt seem to notice that. All he notices is that one mistake. The past two weeks have been the worst in our relationship. Almost every single day is an argument, and Ive ended up in tears a lot of times. I love him but I dont know how longer I can take this. Last night I made him see how much hes been hurting me lately with his insecurities and false accusations and he broke down and apologized and told him he didnt know what to do and that he was acting this way because hes scared to lose me to someone else. He also told me that ever since I broke that promise to him, he always wonders what Im doing when Im at work around that guy, or when were not together and that usually his mind fills up with negative thoughts (like thoughts of me cheating). Hes also confessed to having bad dreams of me cheating on him and the next day he always tries to make me feel guilty, for a dream he had... something thats never really happened. I dont know what to do and although he apologized he says he cant trust me. That hes trying, but he cant. And im starting to think maybe this is just an issue he has... maybe hes just a very insecure person. I dont know how to deal with this. Please help, what do I do? How do we maintain a relationship when theres no trust?Now, I trust him completely and Im not trying to point fingers, but hes done much worse. On two occasions Ive found pictures of him on his phone with girls (2 occasions, 2 different girls). Theyre "just friends" but those pictures, to someone who doesnt know them, would look like much more than that. One picture he was cuddling with a girl friend of his on the couch and he was kissing her cheek. Another was was something similar. The other girl was behind him, with her arms wrapped around his neck, also kissing his cheek. He stays in their house til late hours (1 or 2 am), watching movies or whatever, and I do trust him and dont believe he would ever cheat on me, as those girls have always kind of been like "sisters" to him... but still, seeing those pictures and sometimes hearing the names they call each other makes me feel uncomfortable. What do I do? Why is it okay that he does these things, but when I make a mistake its the end of the world? I told him
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 February 2010):
This is classic controlling behaviour. You opened up by saying that he's caring and makes you feel loved. Then you moved on and to my horror you said that he made you promise not to talk to certain guys. He's been through your phone. He has major trust issues that have caused problems. To top it off, he has had photos that would indicate that he has even perhaps cheated (do you really believe that in all those photos where he is hugging and kissing them, and then staying over at their houses that he's not up to something?) Take it from another male that he is not kind or caring. That is a front for who he really is. He is really a very manipulative and controlling guy who has no respect for you at all. You even say that it was your mistake. What mistake? Another guy texted you and you didn't reply with anything that would indicate. You're being brainwashed by this guy, who will eat you alive and leave you with nothing but a huge amount of pain. You need to leave him and cut contact for your own good. Trust me on that.
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