A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:why do women let me finger them and have sex with them but they wont give me a blowjob. I have gotten blowjobs from women without even asking, these females where either friends or strippers or random drunk chicks and the strippers didnt even make me pay.. I was at a friends house helping her move in and when we where done we had some drinks and she gave me a handjob i think she wanted to have sex but we where both tired. I drove my cousin back to her college 1500 miles any ways she gave me a few handjobs and blojobs without me asking. The first time we had been drinking started making out etc we didnt have sex though. The problem is women that im actually in a relationship with wont do these things i broke up with my last GF because we lived some ways away i would go out of my way to see her she wouldn't even give me a blowjob i told her i would even settle for a hand job but she didnt want to after i drove an hour to see her after she begged me to come see her. So i just went to bed the next morning we made out i fingered her she wanted to have sex but i wasnt in the mood i felt like if she cant do one simple thing for me i dont want to be bothered. Did finnaly get a handjob before i left but she complained when i came pretty soon i eventually broke up with her because i felt like she was just using me for sex.. well same thing goes for my other relation ships every Woman ive ever dated was willing to let me sleep with her on the first date,something ive never done even if i spend the night at their place the most i will do is finger them and i expect to get something back besides sex, because i feel like they want to have sex with me to satisfy them selves and could care less about my actual feelings. My current relationship ok so ive been involved with this woman for a few months now I go out of my way to see her and spend time with her ive asked her for a blowjob she wouldnt do it i let it go for awhile so i asked for a handjob eventually she wouldnt do it she said its wierd but shes willing to have sex anytime she begs me for that. I just feel when your in a relationship you should do stuff for your partner even if you dont want to.For example i hate kissing literally hate it cant stand it at all its gross an disgusting but every Female ive been with loves to kiss even in the morning before they brush their teeth,, i try to numb my mouth with listerine or strong gum before i do any kissing,but i do it because they like it. i hate germs and that seems like the best way to spread them. so my question is why are women less likely to give a blowjob or hand job when your in a relationship with them.
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male
reader, oldfatandhappy  +, writes (23 February 2016):
I'm from a different generation, and obviously things have changed. When i was dating, holding hands was a thrill. Car windows got all steamed up if we held each other, kissed, and talked for hours. I remain happily married to the only woman who ever saw me naked, and our first sexual experience was on our wedding night. We had been married 25 years before the concept of oral sex ever entered my mind, and although I was curious, I never asked, because it sounded demeaning, and seemed like an unthinkably selfish request. However one night she did it for me. She's always had a sort of ESP where I'm concerned. Later i returned the favor. I didn't hate it, but it wasn't something i would want to do unless she wanted I t. She said it made her er feel self-conscious, and she didn't want me doing it to her. About six weeks later, I asked her to do it for me again, but this time the shock of something new was gone, and I was more aware of her perspective. She was giving her best effort to please me, and it felt incredible, but as she started gagging, i stopped her. I said, there's no way i can believe you're enjoying this, and I will never ask you to do anything that is not as enjoyable for you as it is for me. I've never asked since, and she's nerer offered. Part of me regrets i cut things off so completely, but sex is only one small aspect of our relationship. My needs are adequately met, and all the extremes we might have ave tried dont come close to the wealth of joy she gives me every day.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Not a huge fan of handjobs, but the lack of blowjobs in a relationship would be a dealbreaker for me.
I make it clear what my expectations are early in a relationship. Not in any ham-handed or demanding way; I've just found that every girl who dates seriously asks (usually around the two-month mark) what you want out of a relationship. I break it down into a few simple points, and slip the blowjobs point in there: "Loyalty, honesty, affection, lots of sex including blowjobs, respect, and the understanding that I won't be changing my lifestyle. For that, I'll happily be the best man I can be for you. What does that mean to you?"
Some variation of that, anyway. The key part is not in saying it, but in acting on those expectations. She lies to me, shows a lack consistent or egregious lack of respect, tries to make me change, or stops giving head, I bring it up and talk about it. If things don't change, I leave.
Being prepared to walk away for good, without doing so trivially, is the best way to ensure people take you seriously. If I'm clearly serious about the lying or lack of respect, for instance, and if I'm always honest and respectful, then she'll consider the rest of it serious.
That, and kissing her while we're both sitting up, then leaning back and putting my hands behind my head always seems to give the clear message that I want head. Most of the time she'll respond either by obliging, or by lying on top of me for more kissing. I'm fine with either; so long as I'm secure in the knowledge that I'll get head sometime in the near future, I can choose not to worry about the immediate future. Either way, that kind of body language seems to be a turn-on, which solves the problem by making her want it, not by making it a demand.
As to why women are less likely to blow a guy later on, I think it's partly that people are more concerned with "getting" than "having," so they're willing to give head to get a boyfriend more than they're willing to give it to keep a boyfriend.
The other part is that women are more likely to give head to a guy they are crazily attracted to, and novelty is part of what makes a guy attractive - any guy can be mysterious and exciting if he's new; a woman's imagination is better than almost any real man's life. As a woman gets to know you, you become less mysterious; if you don't have an exciting enough personality or life to make up for the lack of mystery, she'll be less attracted, and less inclined to give head. The answer here is to cultivate an attractive personality.
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (27 June 2011):
 You need to learn how to communicate your desires to your girlfriends. Women don't want to be "fingered" as a reward for giving you a bj. Make her breakfast, wash her car, clean the house, etc. etc. Tell her how much you enjoy receiving oral, and ask her how she feels about it. If she hates it, well then, you need to take that to heart. But stop asking for it, and start doing some nice things for your women. They will find a way to reciprocate. If not in the bedroom, then some other way. Meanwhile they need to know what your desires are without feeling like its a requirement to date you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): You have a very low opinion of women and also i dont think its fair for you to want to get all these blow jobs and then say that all women are after is sex.. Hello !! all you seem to be after is blow jobs.
Not ever girl is comfortable with oral sex and no it is not acceptable for you expecting someone to do something that they don't want to do, you will be very lucky if you manage to hold down a relationship..
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 We've seen this old joke on here many times, but I think it fits:-
Why is the bride smiling as she walks down the aisle?
Because she knows that she has given her last blow job!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I think you'll find a lot of women hate giving oral as much as you hate kissing. Even those that like giving it can see it as work.
Most girls will give it to ensnare a guy, we guys do that kind of thing too, paying for meals and stuff like that.
As Drew said there are lots of girls who will give sexual favours in return for other favours because there are a lot of guys willing to take advantage of that. But both the guy and the girl lower their sexual standards that way. If you're expecting a girl to do the same in a relationship then you have the wrong idea about relationships.
It sounds to me like the kind of girl you're dating OP. You see you yourself engage in quite lurid sexual acts with women who don't really give any deep value or meaning to sex. No offence but getting handjobs and blowjobs from random girls and strippers for random things isn't exactly classy of those women or you. You also state that the girls you date would sleep with you on the first date. Everything points to the kind of woman you're dating.
It seems you date girls and get with girls that view sex as cheap, they give it the first night or they just give you a hand job for no particular reason.
OP these are the kind of women who give it because they feel they have to, when they no longer feel that, you no longer get it. (Not always of course) Once that obligation is gone they no longer will give it. OP the girls that give it so cheaply are the ones that are least likely to enjoy it. They'll equate those things to the times they gave random disgusting guys those things in return for favours. They remove the enjoyment factor and they cheapen the act because their experiences of it is with random douche bags they don't really care about and perhaps don't even like.
In my opinion OP, it isn't the girls fault but your own. You enjoy the cheap thrill of strippers and women that are pretty much prostituting themselves for favours. This is what you do. But how do you expect to find a girl who will give you those kind of things out of love and the sheer willingness to give you pleasure and gain their own enjoyment from doing that for you?
OP of all the girls I've dated the ones more likely to keep giving hand and blow jobs were the ones who saved those kind of things for relationships. The girls who only gave those kind of things to guys who truly deserved that, who earned it and they had a deep emotional connection with.
The girls who do it for favours or to get you hooked pretty much always stop. But the ones who only do so for love and because they gain their own pleasure for giving it never stop. I'm with my girlfriend ow 6 years and she needs no prompting for this kind of thing I find myself telling her I don't want one more often than I have to ask. She is nothing like the girls you say you date. It took us months to get that far but once we did it has never stopped. But are you really the kind of guy who will wait? Are you really the kind of guy that will accept taking things slowly and working up to sex? Because honestly OP, while you may say you are and while you may think you are your behaviour says the opposite. I would never accept a sexual favour as payment for anything. I would never let a random girl do things like that to me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Drew that is a sad story, but yes. That's a woman prostituting herself for favours, and sadly it's common if the woman has no other means to pay you, but also if she has been "trained" by her surroundings into thinking thats what she needs to do to survive.
However, accepting to be paid with natural favours puts the man into a box as well. It's not been focused on so much, as there is no name for it. There is a name for the prostitute, but not a name for the buyer, who still participates at an equal level as the prostitute. He lowers himself. That is what you do if you accept sexual favours as a reward, you lower yourself to a certain level. You put sex at a certain level too.
This is some of what I am curious to hear what the poster thinks about, what are the thoughts around this scenario that Drew told us?
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (27 June 2011):
 I find your disdain for kissing oddly fascinating. I don't think i've ever heard that before! I can understand it, but it is still quite different! I'd be interested to know what other method you might use in foreplay, if not kissing, to get a girl riled up?
At any rate, for a vast majority of women i think blow jobs are an incredibly unpleasant experience.
I've found it's a tool that is used in the early stages of courtship to really lure a guy in. Once you are in an established relationship, it tends to disappear from their arsenal.
I've always been of the mindset that I don't want to force anyone to do anything they're not comfortable with, know what i mean?
You talk of these women who blew you for favours done.
See, i've known that type of girl, too, and to me they are usually very low on self-esteem, or very desperate and don't have any other way to pay you.
For example, one day i drove a friend over to the bus station as she was heading on a trip to go visit her boyfriend.
While there a young girl sat down and started chatting with us. Turned out she had run away from home, and really needed a ride down to the library up the road to use a computer.
Well, i told her i could give her one. Along the way i asked if she was hungry. We stopped at a fast food place and i bought her a meal. She wolfed it down, and when we got back into the car, she leaned over and tried to unbuckle my pants to blow me!
I stopped her and told her she didn't have to do that. She then asked if she could come and live with me, and she'd make it worth my while.. I was floored.. I was actually over in the USA at the time, and told her there was no possible way as i lived across the border in Canada.
I drove her back to the bus station after the library, and an acquaintance she had apparently been traveling with came running over and said they had a house for the night, and that they should go "pretty up". When i saw her last, she came walking out of the bus station-washroom looking like a prostitute, and i saw the guys she was going home with.
I felt SO sorry for her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 June 2011):
This view of sex is what appears to be the problem. You treat sex as an exchange in favours, and so do these women you've gotten it on with on a whim. You didn't ask, but had been driving them around or help move, etc, and I really don't know why as it's not something I'd personally ever do, but they decide to reward you I guess. With a handjob or blowjob.
It appears that these random women have treated sex as an exchange, as a payment for your help. Actually prostituting themselves, oddly enough. I don't see why a woman with self respect would do that any more than a guy with self respect would, but in either case that appears to be whats going on. And so you have been trained into thinking that this is how it works, this prostitution and exchange of favours is how sex is to be treated.
Therein lies the problem. Try to tell me how you view sex, try to think about it and write it down. What is sex to you? Who do you want to have sex with? Is it just an act? Does a person need to earn it? As you said, you didn't want to have sex with your then girlfriend because you didn't feel she gave you anything in return, or had earned herself that privilege.
So, to you, is sex something you need to earn?
This view of sex is also seen in that you ask for blowjobs. You ask for handjobs. Should this ideally, to you, be something you need to ask for? Should you, ideally, do things in the relationship that you can't stand? It's nice of you that you kiss even when you don't like it.. but should you?
Another thing is, are the women you date/are in relationship with, aware that you dislike kissing? When treating sex like something you can buy and exchange, like if it was money, it makes sense that you expect blowjobs, handjobs, whatever you ask for, in return for your hard work. You kiss even if you dislike it. You drive places, you do favours, you expect something in return. And you ask for it, because why shouldn't you?
So, I understand how your logic works. But you are you aware that this is how you view sex? Do you think this is the right way? Are there other ways it could be viewed?
I will get back to you on this after you reply.
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