A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm looking for some advice regarding girls I am at college with we are all between 24-26. But I have came on crying the last few weeks. I am a single mum my daughters father was abusive to me and I found support through the church as I don't have much family either,I do have beliefs but don't force them on people just say what is right for me and the girls at church treat me as an alien for it, like example they are going on a night out and I said I'd rather not go and get drunk its not for me and plus I have a kid and they went all weird with my saying get a baby sitter, surely u have someone, but honestly I don't and I don't want to just dump her on anyone, and then they asked me about Halloween and I said I don't really do anything for it plus the church won't like it not judging them at all if that's what they do fair enough, I just say its not for me, but what they don't get is the church have gave me so much support and even helped me get into college surely I should be giving something back, and taking their advice on subjects of not going out and getting drunk especially when I have a young daughter. So why are the girls being horrible to me, anything I say they give each other wee smirks or roll eyes or ignore me,I just have tried being nice to them and not once tried forcing my beliefs on them, I always say it works for me but don't mean it will for everyone ect. I don't know what I am doing that is so wrong to them!they is a girl in the class who is really good on the course and always gets top marks and I really like her but they say things about her like she's a snob a know it all, why bother with her? I just don't know what their problem is as I got along with them at the start.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Yeah well, no disrespect meant to your church, any church, or any church people, - but would not a very nice way to show you support be if some of your correligionaries/ fellow church goers volunteered to babysit for you once in a blue moon, so that you can go out and have a break and enjoy yourself ?Like any people your age ? It does not mean getting wasted if that's not your thing ( I do not drink either ), but you can still enjoy a night out and laughing and joking and dancing or eating or seeing a movie and the company of other adults ?... Now ,THAT would be support, more than making sure that you stay home and don't do evil, " pagan " stuff like Hallowen.
Anyway- I agree with the other posters, these girls are not mean, in fact they tried to include you in their outings, and they insisted to have you come along ( which you resent , but I bet the intention was amicable ). It's just you are in very different places in life, having veri different priorities and lifesyles, - you don't match. You have a lifestyle that for them is strange, surprisisng and unusual, they don't quite get it , that's all. It's not like they are persicuting you for your church going ways, if in fact they ask you to join them it means they like you. It's just that you have too different values and habits , and you believe in things they don't. Now of course you don't have to change your beliefs for them , but neither they have to change theirs for you. If they think that drinking is not such an horrible sin, and neither it is leaving your kids with a babysitter- they may be right or they may be wrong, but surely that does not make them " mean ".
A suggestion, too. You say that you do not force your ideas on anybody , and I believe you . In the sense that I am sure you don't climb on a soapbox and start preaching temperance and the evil of drinking and dancing etc. But, in a way , when you start explaining how you won't do that because it is against your beliefs as a religious woman, a mother, and a serious person- in a way you imply a critique, it's like you are saying : I do this because it is right, you do the opposite because you are wrong, and you are wrong because you are a bunch of wanton superficial pleasure-driven little beasts.
Don't bring in the church or your morals or your role as a mother, just say no thanks, I have other plans. No thanks, I don't fancy that. No, thanks, I guess I'll pass . Thank them, smile and let them go on their merry way without too many explanations.
I am -sort of - in your shoes often, because I am a mature lady but I suppose I look younger in body and, most of all, spirit, so I happen to be invited to join parties and nights out arranged by MUCH,much younger coworkers, neighbours etc.
Now, my clubbing days are over since a while, - and I have also stopped drinking. One changes tastes with age, I had my fill of the night life, it just does not do it for me anymore, in fact now I can't believe how much good time I have wasted ... having a good time. NOW, my idea of a really good time is going to see a good play , an excellent movie, a great opera or ballet... or even staying home with a great book. But if I say " eew no, I'd rather be at the dentist's than in a crowded, noisy club full of sweaty,obnoxious drunk people " - well, I say MY truth but , don't you think it would necessary come off as
judgemental, boorish and elitarian ? the fact that I do not enjoy anymore this kind of entertainment does not mean that people who do are stupid, evil, or wrong. It's just a difference in tastes.
So, when you say " I am not coming because my church says that... " you don't even notice, but it comes off as intolerant and indelicate- as if you church necessarily knows and does the right thing- ergo you know better than anybody else.
Leave church or morals out of it , just say " I am more of a going-out-for-pizza type " or " I rather go out at daytime " and leave it at that. I am sure this will eliminate , or massively cut down, smirks and eye rolls.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 November 2013):
I think they don't sound very tolerant, and you sound like you're too sensitive. It's a bad combination for a friendship, so I would stop worrying about them and seek new friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): OP I'm not judging you or your choices. Just highlighting how in modern Britain they're going to be viewed as odd and these girls are not against you it sounds like they think your customs are strange.
To me it honestly sounds like you're having a hard time dealing with their reactions to the fact you can't go out drinking much or that you don't do anything for halloween.
In my mind you're too black and white in your thinking, they either like you or they don't. Like you need them to accept these things without batting an eyelid, but that's not going to happen. Tonnes of people don't anything for halloween, but your reasons are rare, you're probably the first person they've come across who thinks that way. You're really that taken aback that they react that way?
You make it sound like they don't accept you because of that when they probably do.
Now I can only work with what you've said, maybe they're just two stuck up bitches, and if that's the case then why do you care about their opinions? I mean if they're saying those things about that other girl then maybe they're just catty.
Either way OP, you accept you, or at least you should because that's all that matters. You know you don't have to have done anything wrong for people to be bad to you. You sound a bit like other people I've known who were abused and got trapped in a cycle of blaming themselves for things that had nothing to do with them. In my experience of growing up in that kind of environment you get into the nasty habit of thinking it's your fault because most of the time they're nice people and when they're not they blame you. It sounds stupid but they're nice to everyone else so it's easy to get trapped into that thinking.
OP don't worry about these girls, don't wonder why they are the way they are or how they behave. Just do the sensible thing and be cordial but keep an emotional distance if being around them doesn't make you feel good. That's the beauty of life, we get to choose who we interact with and how we do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2013):
 If these girls at school do not attend church or have children they are in a very different place than you are even if they are the same age.
I think it's just that you and the college girls are in different places in your lives and it does not mesh well.
Folks without children think hiring a baby sitter is just that easy... it's not.. when my kids were little I had no sitters except family. I get you not wanting to go out drinking and leaving your child.
And I admit I was also confused and did not realize you were married to the father.
The girls are not being horrible to YOU on purpose.. they just don't agree with things that pertain to you (church life and such) and can't separate the two.
The truth is it's NOT personal. As you get closer to friends they find they can say more and be more honest and open and this is what is happening here.
THEY WANT to spend time with you because they like you but they need to do it on the group's terms. I'm betting one on one they may be different.
Don't let it stress you out.. just point out you are a mum and as a mum you must behave a bit differently.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you have mis read what I wrote I said I am a single mum because my daughters father was abusive to me and I did marry him but needed a lot of support to leave him. Also u missed the note of having NO babysitters is why I can't go out drinking, what going out and getting wasted and leaving my child is the norm these days?? What the heck? And as I said the church has supported me since I left my daughters father it is a place of support for me, some people decide to go and get drunk, run up debt and all sorts when they are struggling to deal with things, I find the church helpful to help me deal. And please don't dish a network of people who have done nothing but to support me. I leave church feeling postive and happy, I spent a few hours with these 2 girls and a feel like rubbish I'd say the ones at the college are the negative ones.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): OP they're not being mean, you're being over-sensitive.
You've chosen what is a bit of a weird lifestyle, with weird customs they're going to react with a bit of surprise when they hear the kinds of things you believe and your reasons. They're not doing so to hurt you, or be mean, it's normal.
You're choosing to live outside of societies norms OP. You don't celebrate halloween, you don't socialise the way women your age do. Your pretty strict about religion yet you have a child out of wedlock which is perfectly fine as far as I'm concerned but is a little strange for someone so religious.
OP they don't think you're forcing your beliefs on them they're just a bit baffled. I would smile and smirk too because those things are strange to me.
OP they've invited you out, tried to get to know you but you insist on remaining outside their group. They're not going to keep trying when it's obvious you're not interested and/or just too different. Try not to be too upset by people who think your beliefs are weird or your lifestyle is strange, when you chose to live outside of the norm that's going to be something you'll always face. Not only that but if you don't learn how to cope then how is your daughter going to cope with growing up different. How are you going to teach her that she can't celebrate halloween with all the other kids and she shouldn't be upset by that if you yourself can't handle people's reactions to it?
With all due respect, you need to grow some backbone. If you don't have thick skin then being "different" is going to be exceptionally tough for you OP, not to mention your daughter needs to learn this from you too.
Try and stick to having friends from your church that believe the same things as you. You may also want to consider what kind of church only helps under the premise that they restrict their life only to their rules. That's more blackmail than charity if you ask me. The bible doesn't say help people only of they follow your rules and do what you say, Jesus helped anyone who needed help without demands or expectations. Isn't that why people love him so much? Then a church that demands those things doesn't exactly follow his teachings and is therefore irrelevant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTypo girls at college not church soz x
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