A
male
age
41-50,
*ooking out for a friend
writes:This is a bit of a strange one. And to some it might sound bad on my part.I want to try to set the scene so everyone has a better understanding.A few years ago my next door neighbour moved in with his girlfriend. We both stay in semi detached homes. Quite a respectable area. Anyways, as with any neighbour you get to know one another. They seemed to be a really nice couple. I got to know him reasonably well. He'd come over for a cuppa' and a chat. We'd go to the gym, etc.Then about six months ago I started to notice he was there less and less. He was leaving really early and working really late hours. He would work all weekend. I started to assume that he was up to no good which was bad of me, I know. He could be genuinely working. Anyway, we spoke a few days ago and he told me he was going away for a week to see family. He said that things weren't very good between him and his girlfriend. And again this sort of set alarm bells ringing. I thought he was maybe going away with another girl. But I didn't say anything. Then last night when my wife and I were in bed we heard her laughing next door and another guy. We heard some muffled talking, then you know what. My wife and I know that he's away. Anyway we tried to justify it and said maybe it was the tv. Then this morning I was coming back from the shops. I've got the long weekend off. And here was this guy standing outside the house. Door was open. Then she come out and off they went holding hands. I was totally thrown by this. I thought it was him that was having the affair when in fact it was her all along. The thing is he's back in a few days. He's really a mate now. Do I tell him or do I mind my own business. I don't like to see anyone being cheated on, but I don't want to start any trouble either.
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male
reader, M Proops +, writes (4 November 2013):
Well he's already told you things are not good between him and his girlfriend.I think you should tell him what you actually saw when you next meet.I would hope someone would tell me as well if I was in the same situation.
A
female
reader, rock202  +, writes (2 November 2013):
I think it depends on the kind of the person you want to be. I know I would feel as a total cheat looking up to his face again and knowing something which is maybe very important for him and not telling him. Yes, you might not know all the details, but there is a way to say what you heard and saw just as a matter of the information which he would use in a suitable way. And, yes, there is a big chance that you will be guilty for something - hurt people tend to find somebody to blame. But that is the price of being honest and is up to you to decide where you want to be. The result of you telling him can be dramatic, but what he does with your information is solely his responsibility.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 November 2013):
My instinct says tell him, as I'd want to know. But he has his own instincts and when someone is having a second relationship on the side there are usually signs. If he chooses to ignore them that's between them.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Don't get involved in their relationship, you might end up getting blamed. How they choose to live their lives is up to them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Stay out of it OP and just enjoy the show.
They're not friends, they're neighbours. You owe neither of them anything and you have no right to interfere in their business.
For all you know he's doing the same. Or maybe they have an open relationship. Or guess what, he may pick up a knife and stab her to death or not believe you and stab you to death. It's happened a lot OP. You know? Stay out of it.
You may feel bad knowing, but it's not your place. He'll find out in his own time and if he asks just say not that you've seen. If he was a life long friend and you knew the kind of he would be in that situation you may have cause to say something. But OP, people get very messed up during break ups, they do crazy things and you only have to open a newspaper to see the worst of those. Don't put that kind of thing on yourself.
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A
male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (1 November 2013):
One of my golden rules in life is to never get involved in other peoples relationships. It won't end well for you and what they do in their own home. Well, is their business.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I don't think your acquaintance with your neighbor is intimate enough for you or your wife to be interfering. You're only "friendly-neighbors," speculating and drawing conclusions without supportive facts. You're snooping about and already misinterpreted "his" behavior. That's an invasion of your neighbor's privacy. Friend or not. This matter is none of your business. You are only nosy observers spying on your neighbor's private lives. How would you feel if it was the other way around? Their marriage and private lives is not a televised soap opera; intended for the general entertainment and viewingby the public.He didn't hire you or your wife as private investigators.He may have full knowledge of what's going on, and may be in the midst of divorce proceedings. You don't know the details; because he doesn't consider you close enough to share confidential information with you. I think you would be better off confining your concerns to your own marriage. If you're wrong and you approach him, you may have more than egg on your face. It may be a fist. Even if you're right, he would be appalled that you've been snooping. You'd be a better friend and neighbor, to let matters just run their own course.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I think you should stay out of it.
he knows things are bad...and it sounds like you are friendly neighbors not neighbors who are friends...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Is he actually a friend of yours?
Would you go out and have a beer with him? Do you do friend things together? Or are you just neighbors that get along?
If he's a real friend of yours, and a close one too, then you can tell him. You'd be obliged to tell him, actually, the way I see it.
But, if he's just an associate, someone you get along with, who you wouldn't exactly invite to your wedding, then no. Don't speak of it. He probably is already aware, after all the girl made no effort to hide this man or cover it. He admitted they were having problems, could be he's planning to move and was leaving to check out places. Maybe he's been away so many nights because he's crashing at a friends couch.
Unless you're actually a very close friend (which it doesn't sound like by your description) then don't meddle. It'll be seen as rude, none of your business, and will be humiliating for him. No one likes their dirty laundry being washed in public. So unless you're inside his close circle of friends, you're classed as "the public".
My advice: Stay out of it. None of your business. If he asks, you can tell. You can also check in on him, and test the waters by asking him how things are. But unless he brings it up, and opens up to you about it, don't tell. He might suspect it, and it sounds like they are breaking up anyway. Better to not say anything then.
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